Our precious Friday afternoon time is slipping away, so let's get to your blind item guesses before we all sneak out for the weekend. But first, take another lap around One Lucky Bastard Blind Vice:
Wherein we invite our readers to doff their modesty towels and submit themselves to the full-service treatment of humpy E! gossip masseur Ted Casablanca, and in the afterglow of their vigorously delivered release, take a stab at the identity of his weekly blind item. Cover yourself in the heated rocks of One Lucky Bastard Blind Vice:
The Daily News has a pretty run-of-the-mill feature story today on the perils of interoffice romance. (It's pegged to that burning issue keeping American up at night: How will Josh and Donna reveal their new romance to the rest of The West Wing?) But we admit the story's lede piqued our interest:
This morning, we asked you to solve two potentially easy-peasy blind items regarding a cheating morning show man and a ballistic Hollywood director. No blue balls for you, the answers are in.
It's been far too long since we've played a solid round of speculative finger-pointing. We're won't bother with Page Six's first blind item for this one, about an actress who took fertility drugs, because who the fuck cares? The other two, however, are worth our time:
Time to put your blind item guessing game answers out of their misery. But first, go for another moonlit stroll with One Randy 'n' Rockin' Blind Vice:
Wherein we invite our readers to mentally keel-haul themselves on the front of humpy E! gossip buccaneer Ted Casablanca's pirate ship by guessing the identity of his weekly blind item. Today, we're treated to one of the only activities more common than starlets blowing rails in nightclub bathroom stalls or supposedly straight actors blowing twinks in nightclub bathroom stalls: a musician getting laid on a tour bus. Assume the position for One Randy 'n' Rockin' Blind Vice:
It's time to put you all out of your blind item misery. Before going on to your guesses, check the bathroom stall for One Blowin'-in-the-Stall Blind Vice one more time:
Wherein we invite our readers to liberally coat their flesh in the tacky substance of their choice and roll around in the blind item feathers scattered about by humpy E! gossipist Ted Casablanca. This week, Ted manages to appropriate a bathroom stall, normally the province of his blow-hoovering starlets, for his bread-and-butter, guess-which-straight-boy-slurps-schlong tease. Bite the pillow of One Blowin'-in-the-Stall Blind Vice:
We'd hate to send you off to the joyful annihilation of happy hour without getting to your blind item guesses, so let's close that account, shall we? But first, re-sample the pillow-biting wonders of One Tuchis-Time Blind Vice:
Wherein we invite our readers to allow humpy E! gossip-alchemist Ted Casablanca to transform their leaden minds into gold by puzzling over the identity of his weekly blind item. This week, Ted strays from the "straight actor is secretly gay" dirt, but still manages to squeeze in some anal sex. Flip over for One Tuchis-Time Blind Vice:
We neglected to mention this morning a blind item in Ben Widdicombe's Gatecrasher column:
Last week, Page Six ran the following blind item:
Before we lose any more of this oppressively beautiful, completely typical LA afternoon, let's get to your blind item answers. But first, flip through your blue books and re-check your work on One Slurplicious Blind Vice:
Wherein we invite our readers to submit themselves to the relentless, nonsensical cross-examination of humpy E! gossip-prosecutor Ted Casablanca and guess the identity of his weekly blind item. Get excited, for while Ted returns to the exploits of one of his most cherished characters, these antics involve both the consumption of cocaine and same-sex canoodlings. Pump your fist in time to One Slurplicious Blind Vice:
• A possible ingredient list for the impending child of Jann Wenner and his boyfriend, Matt Nye: Jann's sperm, petri dish, Nye's sister. Mix until the batter is smooth and supple like a young Adonis. [Page Six]
• Kevin Costner's reps deny that he is the Hollywood superstar suspected of fondling his golf club in front of a masseuse at St. Andrews. While they concede the actor enjoyed his time at the golf resort, they deny that Costner is even close to being considered a Hollywood presence. [R&M]
• Paula Abdul claims Simon Cowell has been making her act like a nutjob on American Idol. Well, Simon and the 'ludes, that is. [Scoop]
• The Bush twins were test-tube babies. You needed to know, admit it. [Page Six]
• Because of their published investigation on Scientology, Kirstie Alley tells Rolling Stone that their "cool factor just dropped to Reader's Digest." We'd argue that it wasn't the Scientology piece that did it. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
After big-budget action films that don't lose any coherence when poorly dubbed for foreign markets, Hollywood's second greatest export may be actors who expect that every luxury spa massage session end in orgasm. Over the weekend, the UK tabloids were in a tizzy over the "superstar" whose masseuse-harassing antics following a tournament at the legendary St. Andrews course nearly caused all of the British Isles to sink under the weight of giddy golf puns:
Sometimes you have to cross the pond in order to revel in the sublime. From the UK's Mirror:
We apologize for not quickly posting the answers to Friday's blind item guessing game — but, well, you kids actually have to guess in order for us to post some results! Even if you've not the slightest clue on blind items, we live for you to pull random, nonsensical answers out of your well-sculpted asses.
