After giving a lower forecast for its September quarter than Wall Street expected, Apple saw its shares drop 3 percent today. TheStreet.com's Jim Cramer says not to blame the numbers, but the numbskull PR move Apple made in refusing to discuss plans for Jobs's successor. "Look," Cramer says in the clip embedded below, "I thought the forecast was great. This is all about [Apple saying] Jobs's health is a 'personal matter."

Feel like crying today? Great! Thanks to Natalie Portman, queen of bizarre short films that never fail to please, a new music video collaboration with her homeless-but-hot folk singer boyfriend Devendra Banhart will bring on the tears. Whether they’re from fits of laughter or rage, we can’t say for sure. What we do know? This acid trip of a video starring Natalie as Princess Carmensita and Devendra as her “ratty-assed Compadré,” whose impressive Harry Potter treasure trail peeks out from various loincloths, might just be the best short Natalie has ever been in. Sure, her Gangsta Rap on SNL was epic (“All the kids lookin’ up to me can suck my dick!”), her bare butt saved Hotel Chevalier from putting us to sleep, and the best short film from Paris, Je T’Aime featured Natalie in one of the most romantic visions of Paris we’ve seen to date. But can any of these compare to killer snakes flying out of her eyes, demon avatars best viewed while stoned, or watching Natalie transform herself into an octopus, whose tentacles Devendra “entangles himself in”? Watch this truly bizarre video after the jump.

Barack Obama's advance staff confused everyone when they told journalists not to wear green during their trip to the Middle East. Obama's staff claimed green is the color of Hamas, which is actually isn't really. Though it is the color of Islam in general. So Obama is distancing himself from all the Muslims in the world, which should help dispel those rumors about him being a fist-bumping terrorist by seeming like he's trying way, way too hard, almost like a man with something to hide. Or maybe some staffer just did a shit job of research and thought that was a helpful and clever suggestion. Journos are also prohibited from wearing nail polish and tank tops and from actually asking the candidate any questions, as Andrea Mitchell bitches about in this attached Hardball clip. Chris Matthews is so thrilled that Barack Obama can shoot a basket (he is also shocked that there are so many black people in the military!), but Mitchell seems to think pretend interviews organized by the military are maybe a bad thing? She's not wearing green, though. Don't you hate how biased everyone is?

· When did they let this moaning, twitching, four-legged freak-creature (two white legs, two black with socks on) into the Big Brother 10 house? Look away! It's positively monstrous! [Arguably NSFW.] [B-Side Blog]
· Ben Silverman told TCA today that the Amy Poehler is actually starring in a completely separate project from that Office spinoff. In other Poehler news, Lorne Michaels said that her departure from SNL will be a "big loss." (Rifling around frantically for our Kristen Wiig doll...There you are. Hugggies.) [THR, LAT]
· Patrick Swayze looking surprisingly hunky for someone with inoperable pancreatic cancer. Go get 'em, Bodhi! [Daily Mail]
· The poster for Alan Ball's True Blood makes us quiver with antici. (Count to three.) Pation. [Slashfilm via AICN]
· Remember that time you were thinking to yourself, "If only I had a visual dictionary of a wide variety of baby animals." Well, today is your lucky day. Even Four-Legged BJ Monsters are cute when they're babies! [Baby Animal Alphabet]

Just two weeks after Matthew McConaughey had his first child, he's already lost the pregnancy weight. If that's not reason enough to hate him, there's also this trailer for Surfer, Dude (if you're confused by that comma, just wait until you watch the the video!), a stoner comedy for people turned off by Pineapple Express's high production values and ability to elicit laughter. What's going on here? Well, several famous weed-enthusiasts (Woody Harrelson, Willie Nelson) have contributed their talents to a project seemingly conceived not to send up McConaughey's reputation, but rather to enable it: The entire thing seems like it was shot in short bursts between surfing runs and rent-a-car hotboxing opportunities, by the very same P.A.s who sauntered up to McConaughey in Malibu with tar-stained outline in hand, pledging, "We'd throw paparazzi down for you, brah."

At long last, Dina Lohan has figured out a way to put all those rumors about her fictional former career as a Rockette to rest. In a clever and trademark bout of not-so-subtle child manipulation, Dina arranges for the always-bored Cody to publicize her very own Vegas show starring Dina, her jazz hands, and a pair of leggings that look suspiciously like a knock-off of Lindsay's blow job-ready version. With Ali’s career at its inevitable standstill, Dina decided to show her little ones how a real stage star gets the job done: con your child into playing PR boy for your otherwise blip on glitter-dusted Vegas' star-studded radar, and feign shock and scorn for the cameras after Cody's adorable promotional fliers are hung all over town. And still, amidst all the excitement of Dina’s return to solo stardom, we viewers learned yet another essential trifecta of lessons on how to belittle your son, blow off pony-tailed Carlos Leon-wannabes who just want a piece of your delicious ass and, of course, dance like it’s 1989:

A movie set can often be a busy place—so many people! Doing so many different things!—so a hardworking actress like Rosie Perez can be forgiven if she occasionally slips up on a makeup girl or AD's name. But what about, say, shitting the bed when crediting the star of her current movie, who also happens to be to the writer, on a national TV appearance? Wait—we're not done yet. Now, let's say she doesn't just mispronounce it, but replaces it entirely with a popular men's hair-restoration product. What then? We're torn, ourselves. On the one hand, Perez is just about cute enough to get away with it. On the other, did you really think his name is Seth Rogaine, Rosie? Like, really? Are we next to hear about your exciting guest arc on The Bad Mother's Handbook starring Propecia Silverstone?

Film and television are not just mediums where mere human beings get to show off! They're also for the animals and aliens and all sorts of strange beings who make our lives that much more livable. So who are your favorite furry, or slimy, or scaly, or just plain not-human stars of the big and little screens? Share! My selection-I'm still in a monkey sort of mood-after the jump.

· In a very special Defamer moment, we bonded with Kathy Griffin — er, make that Emmy nominee Kathy Griffin.
· Silverman/Kimmel, RIP. Just don't blame this woman.
· Finally, to Entertainment Tonight's relief, The Chosen Two arrived.
· We spat on those who dared ding The Dark Knight's Bat-armor.
· Fashion-line neophyte Lindsay Lohan took the heat for Miley Cyrus's midriff-baring ways.
· W co-stars Josh Brolin and Jeffrey Wright liked the Shreveport police so much, they planned a reunion in December.
· Not even "Breathe, dawg" found its way to our epochal Two Coreys low points.
· For a few hours, anyway, Justin Theroux was the coolest new screenwriter in town. Alas. Fucking Cody.
· You don't care about Eddie Murphy. This means you, too, Fox.
· Bird-lover Andy Dick just couldn't control himself around fine chicken.
· If you can't hack it at the Spider-Man: The Musical auditions, there's always Colin Farrell: A Dark Twisted Puppy.
· Hey! Where did Sarah Jessica Parker's mole — oh. Never mind.
· Topless Sienna Miller could learn a thing or two from bikini-rocking Helen Mirren.
· Molly McAleer for Best Actress!

We return you now to the Just For Laughs Festival in Montreal—a city reinvigorated by a strengthened Canadian dollar and the recent grand opening of The Celine Dion Jumpsuit and Chapeau Museum. Hours ago, comedy tycoon (we promised we wouldn't call him a monopolist) Judd Apatow picked up a handsome companion trophy to sit alongside his Flackie and prized collection of custom penis-molds of every actor he's ever worked with: The prestigious Just For Laughs First Annual Comedy Person of the Year award.

If you haven't yet done so this summer, there's no time like the present to pack a few bottles, grab a blanket and head down to park for some fresh air and a picnic. And nothing quite hits the spot like a lovely Dirt Sandwich, bringing you all the cool, replenishing nutrients of the week that was in entertainment news. You could people-watch, we suppose, but face it: The exploits of cursed Sarah Silverman, shirtless Mormon missionaries, "double-dissed" Jon Voight, Miley-courting Coldplay and bad-art magnet Howie Mandel (among other too numerous to mention) just yield too much week—ending deliciousness to pass up. So indulge! Resident culinary genius and Defamer videographer Molly McAleer can always make more!

It's the weekend, and that means one thing: Molly McAleer is breaking away from the week of indentured videographer servitude and hitting the clubs. First up, though, a little eye shadow here, a little lipstick there, some typically fantastic anecdotage and, of course, a full rundown of your weekend To Do's. And what a weekend of hard choices it is: She had us at "Choose Your Own Adventure for adults." Or maybe at Nas. Anyway, it's your call now — enjoy!

Even though we’re a day late on this, Dark Knight’ s “ironic” lingerie model Maggie Gyllenhaal appeared on Letterman Wednesday night and charmed the pants right off Dave with talk of everyone's favorite celebrity topic: drugs. Speaking in her standard sweetly candid tone, Maggie told a tale of a nurse whose number we’d really like to get a hold of — seems this kooky practitioner who aided Maggie with a broken toe is more than eager to push bundles of those morphine-patches-disguised-as-"painkillers"—Percocets—on her patients.

Click to viewLured as much by its illustrious roster of Hollywood comedy power-players as we were by Quebec's notoriously lax champagne-room laws and the promise of a poutine stand on every corner, Defamer dispatched editor Seth Abramovitch to Montreal to take in a few days of the 2008 Just For Laughs Festival. Now a quarter-century old, Just For Laughs has grown into the largest comedy festival—two weeks of stand-up, sketch comedy, movie screenings, and street performances. Tonight we'll be front and center for the much-hyped Apatow For Destruction, billed as "a unique night of stand-up comedy as writer/director/producer Judd Apatow assembles a veritable all-star team with one of Canada's biggest exports, Seth Rogen, Craig Robinson, Russell Brand and a line-up of some of the most buzzed about film and TV stars in comedy."

Kristen Schaal-are we all in agreement that she is the best?-did a great segment on The Daily Show last night that managed to perfectly parody a Tonight Show dangerous animal act and satirize the irritating and sexist "cougar" thing that's become the worst kind of bullshit trend. So watch it after the jump!

As we’ve noted in the past, Stinky master of predicting the future of love sounds Justin Timberlake isn’t quite on the level of Richard Pryor or Lenny Bruce when it comes to comedy routines. After failing to elicit laughs at the Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame earlier this year, and trying out the rarely-cute attempt to evade relationship questions on Leno, Timberlake is evidently still fixated on proving he’s just bursting with comedic prowess. His latest stunt? Impersonating Jessica Simpson at the Timberlake-hosted ESPYs, airing this Sunday, by wearing a cheap blonde wig, standing in front of a cut-out of her daisy dukes, and making frightening facial expressions supposedly meant to resemble the time-traveling Tony Romo groupie. The good news? Despite these photos doing little to inspire even a smirk from us, we feel the need to point out Timberlake’s impressively hilarious impersonations of the past on Saturday Night Live, both as a tweaked out awesomer-than-thou Ashton Kutcher, and a far better Jessica Simpson impression years before:

Today on Fox News' morning show Fox & Friends, discussion turned to well-hung soccer star David Beckham. And cohost Brian Kilmeade got outed for having a big gay crush on him! Female co-anchor Gretchen Carlson says he called Beckham "gorgeous," which leaves Brian tongue-tied like a (gay) little schoolgirl. He mumbles about how, hey, anybody can tell Beckham is attractive; then heterosexual cohost Steve Doocy looks at him with an expression that says, "Sure, flamer." Then Kilmeade runs off the set in embarassment-probably to go masturbate to a picture of David Beckham. Click to watch this stunning example of News Corp.'s homosexuality exposed.

The fifth season of Project Runway premiered last night—something you might have easily missed, considering a scorned Bravo did everything in their power to sabotage the Lifetime-headed series short of retitling it People Sitting At Sewing Machines Acting Bitchy and burying it after a 4 a.m. Shamwow! infomercial. In any case, despite all the essentials being in place—i.e. Tim, Heidi, Michael, Nina, and even a surprise cameo by Season One breakout fop Austin Scarlett—there was no mistaking it: the bloom is off this rose. Case in point, the designers blatantly solicitous attempts at establishing themselves as this season's Christian Siriano, whose arsenal of Christianisms—we won't even bothering repeating them here, you know the ones—helped propel him to become the breakout sensation of Season Four. "Girlicious?" "Suede is gonna rock it?" Subpar Tim Gunn impressions? Please. Make it stop.