Texas Rep. Louis Gohmert, a terribly silly person best known for his "terror babies" warning, has devised an ingenious plan to eliminate welfare forever! Recipients can promise to never joins the welfare rolls again, in exchange for some farmland.

Janette Turner Hospital is the author of Orpheus Lost and other books, and a professor at Columbia. She sent MFA students at her old school, the University of South Carolina, the following note about their inferiority. It is amazing.

Muslim cabbie-stabber Michael Enright told cops he was a "patriot." And: "I need my mother."

Sharp-eyed readers may have noticed that dog-loving New York Post columnist Cindy Adams has been absent from the paper for months. She was sick! Now she's back! With a deeply disturbing column of hospital erotica.

Poor St. Nicholas Greek Orthodox Church, which sat right down by the World Trade Center, was destroyed on 9/11. It still hasn't been rebuilt. You know whose fault that is? That's right: hateful Muslins and their Muslin-loving supporters.

It's clear now that the only way journalists are allowed to write profiles of eccentric socialite billionaire hedge fund wife Lisa Falcone is to tell her they plan to detail her "entrepreneurial" and "philanthropic" activities. Not her insanity.

Lee Abrams is the absurd spaceman that Tribune Co., in its infinite wisdom, has allowed to run its "innovation efforts" into the ground and write insane memos for the past two years. Today: a Tribune insider rants about Lee! Fun!

Molly Norris, the Seattle cartoonist whose joking suggestion for an "Everybody Draw Mohammed Day" earned her a fatwa from religious extremists, has been forced into hiding, for her own safety.

The TMZ crew discusses possible motivations behind Mel Gibson's attempt to elude paparazzi by disguising himself as an old with with a crazy mustache. Watch video of Mel Gibson rocking the "crazy and homeless" look inside!

Stark County, Ohio's GOP picked its nominee for treasurer last night! You knew that, sure, but here's the meeting's highlight anyway: terrifying candidate Phil Davison screaming, pacing, and half-crying in the most insane stump speech ever. He lost! Clip below.

When tabloid sex columnist Andrea Peyser is not being inappropriately sexual about adults, she's worrying about The Children. What's their future? Will they fall victim to gays? Will they tap that? Will they be denied their right to sexxxy time?

The New York Post reports today that a woman was raped near Penn Station early Monday morning. Police quickly caught the perp, who had a long rap sheet. What do the Post's famously insightful commenters have to say about this?

General David Petraeus, commander of U.S. forces in Afghanistan, says nutbar pastor Terry Jones' "Burn a Koran Day" could "endanger troops." Not that Pastor Jones cares! "We are revealing the violence of Islam," he told ABC. What a fun guy.

Ben Percy, Thomas Meadows and Anthony Goshorn are all running for statewide office on the Green Party ticket in Arizona. All three are "street people." And all three were recruited not by the Greens, but by a Republican operative. Huh?

Here in the Greatest Country On Earth, our "abstinence plan" consists of your friends telling you not to go home with that dude when you're drunk. But in China, they're lucky enough to be harangued by America's own evangelical loons!

A young go-getter emailed the heads of most major TV networks yesterday with a pitch for a new reality show. It's about his "cool as hell" friend who's stringing along four guys and should be super-famous. Below: the insane email.

Fiendish villains! Lowest of the low! What rogues would dare to kick New York's most respected tabloid sex journalist, Andrea Peyser, out of a golf tournament, simply for a minor breach of security? Tiger Tiger Woods, yall!

A group of 100 Russian skinheads stormed a crowd of concertgoers on Sunday, reportedly killing a 14-year-old girl. Details are still sketchy, but local media is reporting that some 100 people were injured while police "were inactive or ran away."

Oh, the New York Post thinks that guy who slashed a cabbie just for being a Muslim is a "Disgrace." That would only be ironic if the NYP had somehow helped foster a hysterical anti-Muslim environment in our city recently.

Yesterday we introduced you to Tyrone Hayes, the UC-Berkeley biologist who expresses his opposition to the herbicide atrazine with shouty, rap lyric-quoting emails to its manufacturer, Syngenta. Well—there are many more Tyrone Hayes emails where those came from!