He can rap! He can act! He can produce (music AND plays)! He’s the dapperest of gentlemen ever to be accused of assault, bribery, shootings, sweatshop labor, a fatal stampede and making coats out of dogs! And now Diddy has a new occupation: screenwriter. According to the always reliable entertainment news service WENN, Diddy was “so inspired” by this year’s Cannes Film Festival that he decided to venture into feature writing. But wasn’t the festival like two days ago, you ask? Yes, yes it was. Apparently, Mr. Puffycombs wastes no time making his brand new dreams come true.

For quite some time now, Kirsten Dunst has been just as well known for her rumored drug and alcohol issues as she has been for her film career (Wimbledon, anyone?). But after years of media accusations about her alleged issues with substance abuse, Dunst confided to E! chatterbox Marc Malkin that her trip to rehab a few months ago had nothing to do with booze or blow and everything to do with suffering from depression.

To our readers on the East Coast with a cash surplus, a self-esteem deficit and/or the impulse to sacrifice your Tuesday for a movie you can see on Friday for much, much less, a round-up of available Sex and the City premiere-pass deals just appeared online this afternoon. Don't hesitate to get in on the fun while Craigslist buyers and sellers trade souls (and, more than likely, at least one sexual favor) as we speak:

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

Remember last month when we took a moment to consider the potential back-end windfalls for Steven Spielberg, George Lucas and Harrison Ford should Indiana Jones 4 turn when Indiana Jones 4 turns a profit? "Crystal Skull will have to generate around $400 million for Paramount for the studio to make its money back and earn its distribution fee," Claudia Eller wrote in the LA Times. "Only at that point will Lucas, Spielberg, Ford and smaller profit participants, including screenwriter David Koepp, begin collecting their portion. Paramount will take 12.5 cents from every dollar thereafter, while Lucas and company will earn 87.5 cents." With the worldwide total pushing $332 million in five days, the film could drop 75% percent globally this weekend and still be pouring money on the principals by Sunday night. A more likely 50% drop would still split $86 million among them — with another solid month of box office ahead. Elsewhere in percentages: The likelihood of Indiana Jones 5 climbed to 100% while we wrote this.

It was a busy holiday weekend inside Defamer's Special Investigations Bureau for Starlet Genetics, where a bombshell tip revealed the long-suspected truth about the young actress's sketchy provenance. No — not half-Jewish / half-Protestant, and not Upper East Side post-deb. In short, as her close friend "Sergei Galabekian" tells us, the Scarlett Johansson you know... is a clone.

Even though she had all weekend to work on this evening's To Do's, Intrepid Defamer Videographer™ Molly McAleer apparently couldn't scrap together a few minutes to put together a quick video listing out what to do in Los Angeles tonight. Instead, she farmed the work out to someone named Jessica Felix, who is some sort of aspiring actress or something. Maybe it's just us, but aside from the blonde hair, we think the two share a striking resemblance. We'll just have to wait and see if Molls comes back tomorrow, but for now, kick back and enjoy this very special episode of Defamer To Do's.

In the next issue of Harper's Bazaar, George Clooney's sand-loving girlfriend Sarah Larson gets the profile treatment. What follows is a list of things we learned by reading it:
· Sarah Larson was once on Fear Factor, where her crowning achievement was “eating” a scorpion. (When, in fact, she put it in her mouth then spit it into a bucket, which one can only assume is how she eats all her food.)

There’s nothing better than returning from a long weekend to discover not one but two incredibly positive stories about Britney Spears. Not only has the singer finally managed to make a public appearance looking downright hot, but she’s also begun dating a very eligible, scandal-free bachelor — William Morris agent Jason Trawick. As you may recall, Trawick was the mystery man splashing around Mel Gibson’s Costa Rica retreat with Britney last week, and reportedly has been looking after Britney ever since the beginning of her American Tragedy downfall. As a source tells OK!, “Britney totally trusts him and she has very deep feelings for him. It’s now got to the point where Britney wants to be with him full time.” And after seeing these pictures of the pair, who went public at an Ed Hardy party over the weekend, we can’t help but notice a very sober-looking Britney appearing genuinely happy for the first time in...ever:

The speculation today over actress Lindsay Lohan's possible sapphistry got us wondering about other celebrity gay rumors. If you believe Sex and the City, people whispering that you're a secret 'mo means you've finally arrived. If you believe former NSYNC band member and current slacks and defeated, lonely expression wearer JC Chasez those rumors are annoying. And what if, like Lindsay, you're rumored to be dating another celebrity? What does it all mean?? After the jump we'll take a look at LiLo and SamRo and other *possible* couples, like Matthew McConaughey and Lance Armstrong, who are rumored to be sharing a charming little flat in downtown Sodom.

[Photo Credit: X17]

The Cannes Film Festival wound down Sunday pretty much where we left it Friday: Lindsay Lohan still digs girls, distributors mostly kept their checkbooks closed with one or two exceptions, and Sean Penn and his competition jury putatively fulfilled their social mandate by awarding the French schoolroom drama Entre les Murs (The Class) this year's Palme d'Or. The remaining winners reflect both a who's who of perennial Cannes rock stars (screenplay winners Jean-Pierre and Luc Dardenne, directing winner Nuri Bilge Ceylan) and sure-fire up-and-comers (Best First Film winner Steve McQueen).

Are you related to someone famous who doesn’t really speak to you anymore? Do you have a dreadfully boring home life and children you constantly ignore? Have you collected an obscene number of pets, which constantly crap all over your house? Then you should call E! because that’s exactly what they’re into nowadays. On a day meant to honor the heroes who have protected our country, last night’s series premieres of Denise Richards: It’s Complicated and Living Lohan showed just how little there is left to protect.

In case you hadn't heard, the most titillating story to come out of Cannes this year had nothing to do with film and everything to do with DJ/DUI heroine Sam Ronson allegedly playing tongue twister with her roomie and long-term girlfriend Lindsay Lohan. But after seeing the so-called scandalous pictures in question, we have yet to see this "liplock". We've given many a girlfriend a tipsy hug in our time and, well, that just does not a lesbian make. Not that our opinion matters — Michael Lohan's does! The wig-fetishizing Born Again has turned up to set the record straight once and for all: "[Their] relationship ‘is evident to anyone with half a brain...[Lindsay] is a big girl, and she can make her own life choices. Then it is between her and God.'" Sure, Michael isn't the most reliable source to confirm that these two are in fact dating, but on the eve of the infamous photos of Lindsay passed out in the front seat of Sam's car, we attempt to analyze their often romantic, often turbulent relationship over the years.

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

When Sharon Stone wasn't joking about Sean Combs's crack budget last week at the Cannes Film Festival's high-powered amFar benefit, she took a few minutes on the red carpet to play amateur seismologist for the international press. That went about as well as you'd expect when, only seconds into discussing the humanitarian crisis facing China after the May 12 earthquake that killed more than 67,000 people, Stone attributed the tragedy to... karma?

We vowed not to feel bad about drinking for 72 hours straight over the holiday, but seeing today how constructively Panopticist's Andrew Hearst spent his weekend, it's hard not to flog ourselves. After all, shouldn't our own curiosity have gotten the better of us years ago when we first heard those rumors about the screenplay for Martin Scorsese's most underrated '80s film, After Hours, being plagiarized from NPR host Joe Frank's 1982 monologue Lies? At any rate, Hearst now has audio that all but closes the book on this semi-scandal:

[Photo Credit: X17]

Some guys really know how to turn on the charm. Take CAA agent Dan Aloni for example, who reps directors Christopher Nolan, Michel Gondry and Tom Shadyac (among others) and who we hear recently talked his way right off the Fox lot after a tiff with Fox Atomic production boss Debbie Liebling. It seems everything was going just fine until Aloni bellowed something about Liebling being "a stupid fucking cunt" — which was enough for Peter Chernin himself to reportedly ban all of CAA from the lot until the Death Star gets its loose cannon in line. But we also hear that might take a while. Why?

The long Memorial Day weekend may be gone, but we'll always have fond memories of the holiday box office to warm our hearts: