Wake up, slumbering moviegoers! As you chew your buttery popcorn and enjoy Hollywood's latest "entertainment," The Kids Are All Right, your innocent children are being mentally imprisoned by gays. Sniffing coke and having gay sex, for kids? Andrea Peyser reports!

Casey Affleck's documentary about Joaquin Phoenix going crazy(er) and becoming a rapper is dropping in two months. Will I'm Not Here be the comedy many suspect it to be? Head to a theater near you to find out!

Weeks ago, we watched Captain Phil Harris, one of the stars of Deadliest Catch, suffer the stroke that would eventually end his life. Last night, we saw him die. It was one of the greatest moments in reality television history.

A mystery hunk is gay. And he's going to announce it to the world on 90210. Also today: David O. Russell storms off another set, Sela Ward is given a gun and a badge, and Dustin Hoffman's new TV career.

Here's a trailer for It's Kind of a Funny Story, a dark indie comedy about Keir Gilchrist from United States of Tara McMurphying his way through a mental health ward.

Mad Men creator Matthew Weiner tells Fox News (of all places) that Barack Obama sent him a letter telling him how much he enjoyed season three. Now we know Obama won't be spending summer Sundays working on that oil spill!

We were too busy getting over this weekend's sunburn to watch The City last night. Good thing fictional freelancer Betsey Morgenstern was there for the season finale. The fate of Whitney and Olivia's souls hang in the balance.

For $50,000 anyone can spend 24 hours with her. This bad actress keeps her job by sleeping with the boss and this comedian's wife can't keep a nanny. Damn, sometimes the gossip columns read like the want ads.

Adorably bumbling Starz executive and, uh, lady abuser Chris Albrecht, the disgraced mastermind behind HBO's meteoric rise to the top of the television heap, recently responded to an email about firing two top-level employees and inadvertently CC'd 400 staff members.

Well. Last night was quite a doozy of an episode, was it not? Complete with hair-pulling and heel-breaking and police lights flashing blue and lonely outside the high-class North Jersey Country Club. Let's sift through the wreckage.

She's now found a sexy guy to enable her bad behavior. This reality star got so wasted she passed out on the floor of the liquor store, and this publicist is ratting out her druggie clients. Everyone is a mess.

Watching last night's ridiculously overstuffed, hamhanded True Blood, it became suddenly apparent: There is basically no good TV on this summer. And there are very few upcoming promising prospects.

This weekend was a big boffo one, that saw the continued takeover of the children, the continued power of Twilight, and the continued progress of the gay marriage movement. Come, let's take a closer look.

We have two items for you on this sunny Monday. One is about an actor stepping out on his wife with a model, the other about a reality guy stepping out on his lady with her brother.

Though, sadly, he's no Mulder. Also today: Miramax has finally been bought! Yay for millionaires! Comedy Central has a new sitcom in the works, and HBO has intriguing new projects.

Here's a trailer for Jack Goes Boating, Phillip Seymour Hoffman's directorial debut, based on the Off-Broadway play he starred in a few years ago. It could also be called Sad, Lost Losers In Love.

When it comes to sex, his game is definitely a foot. This singer likes to pose as a penniless busker singing his own songs and this reality judge used to sleep with her boss. We all have our fetishes.

Before his humble blue-hued space opera, poor James Cameron was rattling a tin cup around, dancing for nickels to buy sweet, sweet sangawiches. But now he's rich as a king! The director stands to make nearly half-a-billion bones from Avatar.

There's actually going to be one, guys. And that's what the live-action Broadway show used. Roller skates. (Well, Heelys.) Also today: good news for a 90210 alum, more X-Men casting news, and Valerie Bertinelli will be employed for another year.

In your inspirational Thursday media column: Miramax may be nearing a sale, a motorcycle writer canned for writing honestly about motorcycle things, Science vs. Pepsi controversy resolved, Tina Gaudoin rejoins the WSJ, and NPR name change alert!