Today we looked at the new, glorious Republican Pledge to America. It's a stirring document, full of hope and exceptionalism and misty-eyed vagueness. But what about the other side? Where is the Democrat pledge? One commenter gave us a copy.

After several experiments involving hand grips and tilted chairs, scientists at Princeton discovered that people who identify with Democrats also favor their left-hand sides. Guess the political metaphor is apt. Luckily, leaning to either side can be corrected with V8.

Comedy Central funnymen Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert recently unveiled their plans for dueling, satirical Washington rallies on October 30. But October 30 is the Saturday before midterm elections! Shouldn't America's wiseasses be campaigning for Democrats, instead of attending this?

Democrats are feeling optimistic! Since Republicans have nominated a joke Senate candidate in Delaware, Democrats now will win one midterm election, instead of zero. And to capitalize on this momentum, the Democratic party released a new logo and slogan today!

A New York Times article this morning examines the latest iteration of an age-old problem for the Democratic party: getting young voters to give a shit about politics between presidential elections. Are these kids already bored with the "Democrat" fad?

Democrats allege in a legal filing that, by plugging an Ohio gubernatorial candidate's website in a chyron, Fox News illegally contributed to the Republican's campaign.

Today we looked at the Democrats' dismayingly low poll numbers, causing panic and consternation among the commentariat. Though one of you kept a cool and rational head, and told us there was no reason to worry. We've already lost.

Republicans took a record-setting 10-point lead in Gallup's weekly generic ballot poll, putting them in prime position to retake the House of Representatives and enact all of the great ideas they've had. Republicans also have the advantage in voter enthusiasm:

Republican Sen. Lisa Murkowski's surprising, all-but-finalized primary defeat in Alaska last night to the Palin-backed upstart Joe Miller may have opened a November pickup opportunity for Democrats! Sadly, the Democratic party doesn't even know who its candidate is.

The Republican National Committee only has $5.5 million on hand as mid-term elections heat up. The DNC has almost twice that. This explains why Michael Steele has been giving speeches wearing nothing but a barrel held up by suspenders.

Want to see part of the brilliant strategy Minnesota Republicans have cooked up for November? Here's a video made by a GOP state senate webmaster showing how totally hot conservative babes are, and how nasty (and hairy) liberal women are.

According to a Daily News poll, 12 percent of New York Democrats have bedbugs, while only 2 percent of Republicans do. Whoever can come up with the most completely insane theory about this gets a late-afternoon show on Fox News!

If you thought Barack Obama would try and get out of pressing the fashion flesh at the fundraiser Vogue editor Anna Wintour hosted for him last night, you're wrong. He supposedly talked to just about every guest at the event.

The annual Netroots Nation conference for liberal bloggers starts today, in Las Vegas. (Prostitutes, man your call centers!) And to fête the arrivals, the Democratic Governors Association has produced this Arcade Fire-backed motivational movie montage. Get. Pumped. Bloggers. [via]

SC Democratic Senate candidate Alvin Greene will give his first campaign speech to the Manning, SC chapter of the NAACP tomorrow. He told them he was going to "talk about jobs, education and justice." Next stop: Democratic National Convention. [CNN]

Many Democrats are upset with White House press secretary Robert Gibbs for saying, over the weekend, that enough House seats are in play this November for a Republican takeover. Hey, upset Democrats: This was not news to anyone.

Democrats are going to lose pretty badly in November. Because it's four months away, and the unemployment rate is 10 percent. It's that simple. And as a new poll shows, they're losing the message battle in some horrible ways.

After 9/11, the State Department launched an Arab outreach magazine to show off the splendors of American life. It didn't work and was mired in petty politics. For example: pictures of donkeys on camping trips were deemed too "pro-Democrat".

America's irresponsible pill-popping step parents on Wall Street are breaking up with the Democrats, for being mean to them. See all of those donations they gave you during the 2008 cycle, Democrats? Well now they're going to Republicans, harumph!

Alvin Greene v. Jim DeMint for South Carolina Senate is on. SC Dems' executive committee has voted to uphold the unemployed 32 year-old veteran's primary victory because they can't prove any shenanigans. Can't wait for the first campaign ad! [AP]