· Andy Towle of Towleroad continues his heroic work of chronicling the evolution of The Greatest Gay Cowboy Story Ever Told, Brokeback Mountain.
· Paris Hilton wins again.
· And we always thought that Gawker was written by a robot. Who knew? Actually, until we see her bleed, we're still not going to be convinced.
· "I'm happy with my life, and I love food." Thus spake Lindsay Lohan, whom we all should stop worrying about now.

· The hilarious Greg Proops hosts his Chat Show at Largo with writer/publisher/literary faith healer Dave Eggers. It's sold out (we found out the hard way), but there will be some standing room/bar seating.
· Mike "M" Doughty, late of Soul Coughing, plays the Troubadour. We apologize if the "late" makes him sound deceased; he almost certainly is alive.
· But this guy is definitely dead: Hollywood Forever cemetery, the hottest final resting place for dead celebrities this side of Hades itself, hosts a memorial and screening of the silent film The Black Pirate in honor of the 122nd anniversary of Douglas Fairbanks, Sr.'s birth. You will rarely find yourself with such a perfect opportunity to make pirate noises in a graveyard.

Hi, I'm Alex. I'm guest-editing Gawker as part of a work-study program through the department of Blogs and Public Policy at the New School — I get one department credit for every 10,000 hits. I was briefly a Sploid intern, but I was fired for inserting pro-life messages into all of Ken Layne's posts. I'm totally pumped about spending the week with you — send me your tips, links, and funny pictures of ostensibly famous people. The library computer filters block Drudge so I can't just steal my content all day. -AP

Ain't no gangbang like a Gawker gangbang, 'cause a Gawker gangbang don't stop. As such, this week brings us another guest editor by the name of Alex Pareene. And who is this Alex we speak of? He's a student (of life), a pilot (of Cessnas), and, most recently, a failed intern (at Sploid). Always keen on sloppy seconds, we've brought Alex under Gawker's ghetto wings for the week. We'd ask that you be gentle with our new slave, but he likes it rough — so bend him over and love him the only way you know how.

· The LAT on the celebrity "pinata syndrome": Hey, where did we leave our blindfold and whooping stick?
· Daniel Radosh, coiner of the term "Lohanboobies," has had his fill of "accidentally" exposed, red-carpet areolas.
· Someone on Craiglist is not a fan of Nora Ephron.
· "#7 Don’t forget what happened to your mother in the last movie, or there will be extra exposition." To these "Lessons Learned from the Revenge of the Sith," we humbly add, "If you're able to perform somersaults and fight with four light-sabers at one time, you are able to stand up straight when carrying on a conversation." [via BoingBoing]
· Everyone should have their boss's image on a trucker hat.

Friday
· Nora closes this weekend at the Century City Playhouse. If you need some kind of pop culture orientation for why you might care, think of it of Desperate Housewives, but with one housewive and no gardener who keeps taking off his shirt.
· If you haven't been to the Star Wars thing yet, what are you waiting for? $50 million worth of people who (if they're like us) leave the theater shrugging, Eh, at least no Jar Jar, can't be wrong.
Saturday
· The Celebration Theatre throws its "Life is a Gamble, A Night at the Theatre Shouldn't Be" Vegas Night benefit. Free: Booze and the smell of card-table felt. $50 in advance and $75 at the door, RSVP by e-mailing celebrationthtr@earthlink.net or calling 323.957.1884.
· Music: Earlimart at the Troubadour; Prefuse 73 at The Knitting Factory; the KROQ Weenie Roast in Irvine, which should be total OC-style carnage.
Sunday
· William H. Macy reads the short story "Fatso" by Etgar Keret for "Breakups, Makeups, and Wakeups" at the Getty. We've seen The Cooler, which also means that we've seen Macy's testicles, so we feel something of an obligation to attend. Or at least to call attention to the event. Will that make the nightmares stop?
· The 26th Annual Venice Art Walk and Auction: because there are things do to by the beach besides shoot up and break bricks with your forehead to entertain tourists. (Also, it benefits the Venice Family Clinic.)

Air travel into and out of Los Angeles has never been more terrifying; once airborne, Chevy Chase roams the aisles, daring coach passengers to recognize him, and if you manage to land safely, Quentin Tarantino is there, waiting to kick some C-level game to you by the baggage claim. And if those potential perils don't scare you, you might spot a actress engaging in a seemingly ironic reading of an inappropriately topical script:

Hey folks, it's been real. Thanks to Gawker Media and Ms. Jessica Coen. Good luck to the staffers at Radar: I hope your site traffic picks up soon.* On that note, I ll leave you with a fascinating tip, received via electronic mail only hours ago.

Join us in slaughtering the fatted calf in celebration of this week's sponsors, without whom we wouldn't be able to write advertorial posts slyly doubling as plugs for our side-gig as an affordable money-for-sex option for the town's power brokers. If you'd like to advertise on Defamer and instantly make waves in the Standard & Poors thingy, see this page.

Thanks to this week's sponsors, whose support keeps us drenched in pimp juice. Interested? More info here.

· The Spider Club hosts a casino night to benefit the education-related L.A.'s B.E.S.T. Please, people, it's for charity, so leave the eightballs at home tonight.
· More music alternatives to tonight's OC soundtrack: Sam Prekop (Sea and Cake) at the Troubadour; X at the Henry Fonda; The Dears at the Hollywood & Highland Center. (Free! You loves it.)
· Cinespace hosts a DVD release party/screening of The Flamings Lips' The Fearless Freaks with bearded genius frontman Wayne Coyne dropping some Q & A knowledge. We can't guarantee that their army of flashlight-wielding nutjobs in furry animal suits will attend.

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are sent in by our readers. Send yours to tips@defamer.com and let Vince Vaughn know that famous people can aspire to a higher class of bar skank.

· The Egyptian hosts a tribute to animator Joanna Priestley and a screening of several of her 'toons tonight, with Priestly herself chatting up the audience in between segments.
· Audioslave will snarl Hollywood Boulevard with a free show for Jimmy Kimmel tonight, so if you're meeting someone in Hollywood and not going to the show, save everyone some pain and just stand them up. We don't need any more car-to-car shootings.
· Music and whatnot: Kelly Clarkson, who as far as anyone knows did not sleep with Paula Abdul (how sad) is at the Wiltern; The Few play for many at Silverlake Lounge.

· ...Or you could just skip Chaotic and see Britney Spears' entire life condensed into a three minute song parody.
· "Did we imply that Joey sucks? No, no, it doesn't suck! It's got a core audience, it isn't broken, Matt LeBlanc is a fine...sigh. OK, it sucks. You happy? We said it."
· Wilmer Valderrama is starting his own clothing line, proving that not being smart enough to tie your shoes is no barrier to becoming a designer. [via EOTM]
· Britney Spears appeared on Ellen, but the talk show host was unable to persuade the pop star to sell her the baby in her womb.

· Tuesdays are for music round-up lovers: Juliette and the Licks at the Troubadour (where "Juliette" is actress Juliette Lewis indulging her rock aspirations more successfully than that Crowe-Grunts situation ); MIA at the Echo; Alaska! at! Amoeba!
· "According to a recent interview, Thurber claimed his biggest challenge was not laughing over takes." See what all the modesty is about as the ArcLight screens DodgeBall, with writer/director Rawson Marshall Thurber and producer Stuart Cornfeld sticking around for a Q & A.
·Listen, we're not going to lie to you. We're not going to see any bands or movies. We're stapling our fat ass to the couch and watching us some Spears/Federline reality TV crap. And we're going to wash the Cheeto dust off of our fingers with Red Bull, thank you very much.

· Who makes movies? Zombies make movies. Also, writers and fluffers might have a hand in the process.
· "Monster in jungle?/Mysterious, yes. But who/Does Kate's sculpted brows?" and other Lost haiku from SMRT-TV.
· After acting his little fingers to the nub, Bill Murray is ready for a change of pace: ""I'm really looking to cut lawns for the summer."
· Vincent Gallo, breakdancer. Shhh...anything else we say would just ruin the moment.
· One day, annoying pop stars will help make all of our fashionable electronic equipment. Until that day comes, we must all learn to cope with the imperfect designs rendered by non-celebrities.

· Monty Python legend Eric Idle will join in conversation with Bruce "Hollywood's Most Celebrated Novelist" Wagner ("The Cellphone Trilogy", The Chrysanthemum Palace) at the Writer's Guild Theatre, but you'll need to pony up twenty bucks to experience the magic.
· Noize For Your Earz: Indie popsters Mates of State hook up with local boys Irving at the Troubadour; Vagenius, perhaps the best-named band in all of the land, at Spaceland.
· Art you can fondle (but please, furries and plushies, no spontaneous fur-piles, OK?): Touch Me at Gallery C featuring fur, moveable cubic thingys, walk-through sculptures and, hopefully, well-behaved people in mascot suits with easy access to their naughty parts.

Howdy. I m glad to be working for the vicious shitbirds at Gawker Media this week. I ve been waiting my entire professional life to write for a publication where the use of the word "twatfrob" is not only accepted, but encouraged. Please feel free to tell me how much I suck. It gets me off. -KEW

Because no single co-editor can satiate our libidos, the Gawker Gangbang continues this week with none other than guest editor K. Eric Walters (a pseudonym, remember, because he's a "real writer" and, for whatever reason, wants to keep his day job). You might remember KEW from his previous Gawky endeavors, the highlights of which included stalking a sleepy Margaret Atwood and romancing a rowdy Chris Wilson. Since we're confident in his ability to piss people off in real life, we're promoting him the only way we know how: by depriving him of sunlight, soil, and water. He'll be spending this week tied to his computer with twine and silk scarves; if he's good, we just might promote him to wearing fuzzy handcuffs. One can only hope.

Friday
· We're not exactly sure what to make of this, but everyone should probably go: "Zombie vs. Vampire: An Unholy Smackdown… of Literature!" The apocalyptic war of the undead has begun — and this time, it’s textual! Taste the dark pleasure of an unrepentant rhetorical assault on mortality! DAVE “Guts” ENG takes on GRACE “Blood” KRILANOVICH in ten judged rounds of brutal undead literary action! Referee JUSTIN “Bones” VEECH keeps the gore flowing! Before the Title Match: STEPHANIE “Fang” RIOUX frames your facile longing for infinity with righteous lycanthropic fury! DJ ETERNAL PAIN OF DAMNATION will extend your suffering into the Nevermore!" Um, yeah! At Betalevel.
· Friday Night Music: Joshua Tree Music Festival (with Victoria Williams and a bunch of acts we’ve never heard of—overcompensate with drugs should you attend); Trashcan Sinatras at the El Rey; Erasure begins a three night stand at Avalon.
Saturday
· The Acme A Day In The Life sketch show (featuring Blogging's Wil Wheaton) threatens to make obscene amounts of funny all over you, but only if you arrive at the Acme Comedy Theatre at the prescribed time.
· Because you don't know shit about this city until you've toured it through the films of Buster Keaton, OK, hot shot?:“Touring Los Angeles Through the Films of Buster Keaton" at the UCLA Film and Television Archive.
Sunday
· North Hollywood: It's not just for people who came here for pilot season in 2002 and never left. The 13th Annual NoHo Theatre & Arts Festival invades everyone's favorite artsy pocket of the Valley.
· Sunday Night Music, sponsored by "You're sick of the Housewives": LCD Soundsystem and M.I.A. at the El Rey; The Adored at the Troubadour.