· At "An Evening of Ivy League Comedy" at the Improv, comedians from colleges much more prestigious than yours rub your nose in the fact that they are likely both smarter and funnier than you are. Your only defense is to hope that you will one day regain the upper hand in a sitcom pitch meeting.
· Singer-songwriter Michael Penn (yes, the Michael Penn that's Sean’s brother and Aimee Man’s husband) plays at Largo with comedian Patton Oswalt, whom we are obligated to mention (over and over again) once made us nearly vomit from laughing too hard.
· If Michael Penn is too singer-songwriter-y (how's that for a word?) for you, there's always Blackalicious at the Viper Room.

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are sent in by our readers. Send yours to tips@defamer.com and let Leonardo DiCaprio know that you're always monitoring his vodka intake.

Have I mentioned lately that being uninsured totally rocks? No, really: it does. You see, we freelance serfs have to pay for our medical treatments (shock therapy and the like) in cash. Obviously, I'd rather save my hard-earned sheckels for that Audi discount Conde Nast is offering up (I'm practically an employee, so I'm sure I qualify), but lately, the phlegm I've been wresting from my lungs has started to look like something resembling roadkill.

· A week after exposing reality television producers as script-happy charlatans, Joel Stein goes deep inside Hollywood's secret holiday gift-giving protocols. You will never be able to see the letters VVIP again without a chill running down your spine. Trust us.
· LA.comfidential catches the very underage Mischa Barton getting shitfaced at the Flaunt party on Friday night. We're shocked—shocked!—that Barton could manage to get drunk at a party in Beverly Hills. Come on, we're not talking about a criminal genius like Lindsay Lohan here.
· And while we're invoking the name of Lohan, she popped in to "Weekend Update" to once again assure the world that her chest is real. Somewhere, there exists a publicist-drawn battle plan entitled. "Re-Educating the World About Lindsay Lohan's Absolutely Natural Breasts," and there's a check next to the action item, "Enlist Mean Girls co-stars Tina Fey and Amy Poehler in mammary damage-control efforts."
· Rhetorical question: What the fuck is wrong with people?

· Tom Shone signs his book Blockbuster: How Hollywood Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Summer at Book Soup. Perhaps he has an answer to the most pressing question of our time: "How can Jerry Bruckheimer be stopped?"
· Dustin Hoffman is honored by the Southern California Chapter of the ACLU at the Bill of Rights Awards Dinner at the Beverly Hills Hilton. Doesn't it seem like an eternity has passed since an actor has been honored for preserving our liberties?
· Monday's music: KCRW places its stamp of approval on Joseph Arthur's show at the Troubadour, while Thelonious Monster continues their Monday night residency (free cover; ergo, more money for booze) at Spaceland.

Friday
· Linkin Park sign From the Inside: Linkin Park’s Meteora (which we think is a book) at the Barnes & Noble at the Grove. Afterwards, perhaps they'll join their fans in a skinny-dipping session in the dancing waters of the Grove's fountain.
· The Hives, Sweden's nattily-dressed garage rock export, shake their skinny ties and patent leather shoes at the Wiltern.
Saturday
· KROQ front-loads its Almost Acoustic Christmas show with everyone's favorite indie (please, let's not quibble over labels, OK?) bands: Franz Ferdinand, Interpol, The Killers, Modest Mouse, and The Shins. Or skip the show and check out the after-party at Infusion with more bands and DJ sets.
·The 42nd Annual Marina Del Rey Holiday Boat Parade features boats with lights on them and fireworks exploding over the boats with the lights on them.
· Spend "A Night with Mark Ruffalo" at the Egyptian Theatre, with a Q & A between showings of We Don't Live Here Anymore and You Can Count on Me. In the words of Defamer's Intern Y, "Me-ow."
Sunday
· Day 2 of the KROQ Almost Acoustic Christmas promises to be louder than the first, with Green Day, Papa Roach, Sum 41, and that band put together from the spare parts of STP and GnR.
· Shop for unique holiday gifts at the Bazaar Bizarre, a crafts fair that fully harnesses the homophonic possibilities of its name.

We'd like to thank this week's sponsors, whom we're pretty sure would promptly return our Centurion card should we "lose" it in a club's bathroom. If you'd like to advertise on Defamer and reach the world's spend-happiest consumers in the right, sexy way, see our ad info page.

Special thanks to our elite cadre of advertisers, who keep our menorahs ablaze and our stockings stuffed. Interested? More info here.

· Get into the spirit of the season with It’s a John Waters Christmas at UCLA's Royce Hall, featuring a pre-show meet and greet with the auteur himself. Hey, drag queens who eat feces are still more Christmas-y than anything the Scientologists can cook up.
· Join the worst-dressed Queer Eye makeover specialist (we're talking about Carson Kressley—oh the irony!) as he presents his new book, Off the Cuff, at the W Hotel. Fun fact you will only discover if you followed the link: He's a "nationally ranked equestrian," which explains the disturbing jodhpurs fetish.
· If the winter chill that's crippled the city doesn't scare you, check out the Downtown Artwalk. And by "chill" we mean "any temperatures below 60 degrees." Oh, west coast livin' has made us so very soft.

· Dick Clark suffers a stroke, imperiling America's ability to remain at the top of the New Years Rockin' industry. OR, Somewhere, a portrait in Dick Clark's attic suddenly got 30 years younger.
· Angelina Jolie and Colin Farrell used to play the cutest game on the set of Alexander. And by cute we mean "involving his penis nearly being yanked off by Jolie." But not a sexual kind of yanking, mind you.
· How could anyone want to sue the man who put the words "That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age" into his mouth?
· Hollywood's cults should all chip in for a gigantic fruit basket thanking Mischa Barton for not being a joiner.
· To paraphrase a reader, "Soon to be starring Tim Allen."

· Excuse us if we get momentarily giddy, but Jackie Treehorn is reading from his his memoir at Book Soup. Logjammin'!
· We have it on very good authority that even the relatively demented website for Rachel Arieff’s Discotown at the Ramada Inn does not do the show justice. Also, there's no cover charge tonight, and our soft spot for free entertainment is well-documented.
· Shows That May or May Not be of Interest to You, Based on Your Taste in Music: KCRW Gimme Shelter Acoustic Benefit at the Roxy, featuring Jason Mraz, The Like, Rooney, The Speechwriters, et al; The Dears with Robbers on High Street at the Troubadour; Muse at the Wiltern.

· Tea Leoni beats the crap out of Adam Sandler during a sex scene in Spanglish. Just like the famous Heath and Jake lovebrawl, but without the chaps and spurs!
· The sage and magical Julia Roberts cures the bloated John Travolta of a troubling night-urination problem. [via goldenfiddle]
· Oh, those crazy Brits and their celebrity worship! [via Towleroad]
· For a company that's always laying people off, Miramax sure does a lot of hiring.
· Yesterday, we noted an amusing discussion of Colin Farrell's penis. Today, creepily knothole-obsessed sister site Fleshbot minds the stepchildren.

· Watch your favorite (or semi-favorite) celebrities taking some balls to the face...for charity! The Celebrity Dodgeball Tournament at the Palladium tonight raises money for the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation.
· Iron and Wine keeps it mellow with music perfect for today’s cloudy day at the Avalon, while every hipster in your life is sure to flock to see the super-hyped The Arcade Fire at Spaceland.
· The Bourne Supremacy screens at the ArcLight, and producer Frank Marshall will stick around to answer all of your questions about how he managed to turn Matt Damon into an action star.

· Motley Crüe will announce their reunion for a world tour at a press conference in front of the Whisky A-Go-Go at around 5pm. Why not join them in totally unironic reminiscence of the finer moments from the "Smokin' in the Boys Room" and "Girls, Girls, Girls" videos?
· If the kind of desperate women likely to be fêting the Crüe's reunion tour aren't quire your speed, former Sex and the City writer Greg Behrendt discusses He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth To Understanding Guys, at Barnes and Noble in Santa Monica. Discuss the book now before it becomes a truly unbearable romantic comedy in the near future.
· And if the He's Just Not That Into You crowd is still too much for you, check out whoever's bought a ticket to see Kevin Spacey perform the songs of Bobby Darin at the Wiltern. Unfortunately, we can't recommend a slower crowd than this as there's no Golden Girls convention in town at the moment.

FRIDAY
· If you don't get enough of the Hot Topic crowd at the mall, you can get your fill at the KIIS FM Jingle Ball at Arrowhead Pond in Anaheim. (Anaheim! Have you heard of it?) Snoop Dogg, Ashlee Simpson (featuring her guide vocals and saboteur drummer), and Avril Lavigne will all be there.
· If blogs are more your speed than Manic Panic, Buddyhead band Wires on Fire hit the Knitting Factory.
· No need to fear them, Donny, they're nihilists: Check out the Sixth Annual Nihilist International Film Festival at Track 16 Gallery in Santa Monica.
SATURDAY
· Discover the mysteries of downtown without going near The Standard: Spend at the Holiday Exhibition Gift Sale at the Brewery Arts Complex; stay for the Movement Party at the Palace Theater
SUNDAY
· West Hollywood throws itself a big street bash on Santa Monica Blvd. for turning 20, but will still bitch that it feels old, saggy, and that no one wants to sleep with it anymore.

We'd like to thank this week's sponsors, who always pass the blunt, even if we're sitting in the front seat of the car. If you'd like to reach the world's most influential, spend-happy consumers, see our ad info page.

—Is John Travolta on the verge of his third coming? If Jesus had been in Battlefield Earth, He'd have given up on the second coming.
—Cinemocracy remembers the story of the brave actors who stopped the city of Los Angeles from swallowing up Beverly Hills. Heroes all.
—"No, Johnson, I don't care if it's not a boot. Sew some fucking fur on it and get it into the store before we lose the ability to appall the public!"
—The folks at LA.com give birth to the ClothesHoarse blog, but we can't for the life of us figure out what it's about. Hold on, hot women in bikini tops? It's a blog about waitresses on the Strip! We're down for that.

· Had enough of Michael Moore? What, there's no such thing? Then you'll likely swoon from the vapours of joy as Moore converses with Nixon White House counsel John Dean at the Wadsworth Theater.
· Neighborhoodies, the clothing line that allows people to let the world know exactly which hipster 'hood they live in, throws a party from 6-9 pm at their Hollywood store on Sunset and Vine. Come on, you know where we're going with this: free booze and food. RSVP: mailto:love@neighborhoodies.com.
· The Egyptian Theater hosts a screening of The Aviator to benefit the Neuropsychiatric Institute at UCLA. Leonardo DiCaprio will be on hand to answer questions about Howard Hughes, and, presumably, how he manages to stay so totally dreamy in period films.

· Have you exhausted all of the ironic possibilities of embarrassing yourself along to the music of others? Then Aireoke (tonight at Three of Clubs), the next logical (or is it absurd?) step in personal humilation, is for you.
· Hump Day concert call, in which we do our best to abuse the word "indie": Scandinavian indie-crooner Sondre Lerche at the Troubadour, San Diegan indie darlings Pinback at Avalon, and indie songsmith Rufus Wainwright does an in-store at Borders in Westwood.[Ed.note—Oops, that was last night! Intern flogged.] Indie-licious!
· Jonathan Franzen, the man who famously flipped off Oprah and her bestseller-guaranteeing book club (and later admitted to regretting it), reads at UCLA Hammer. See him before Hollywood ruins The Corrections adaptation, leaving the broken writer to wander the streets seeking to get shitfaced with the ghost of F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Just in time for the sloshy holiday season, we're bringing back Guest Editor Matt Haber for an extended stint of packaging your bundles and bundling your packages. You may remember Matt from guest-editing Gawker when we recently traveled to Crawford, Texas. Well, we thought he was pretty good at spelling, so we decided, "Hey, why not make Matt come be our bitch?" You know — double the editors, double the, um, inanity! When he s not helping us hold up our merrily depressed heads, Matt will also be handling the heavy lifting, light dusting, and all of your gift-wrapping needs. And frankly, a little extra hetero-manpower never hurts around Gawker HQ.