A gallant tipster has notified us that while searching for some new basketball shorts on customer service shopping shell Zappos, he found what looks like a dick. A pointy one, but with not much girth, and perhaps a curved tail at its end. Let's assess.

Cops and prosecutors in Manassas City, Va. have gone insane trying to prosecute a 17-year-old boy for sexting his 15-year-old girlfriend. According to a report from The Washington Post, they want to force the boy to become erect, take photos of his penis, and compare those photos to his original sexts.

A specialist in prehistoric archaeology discovered something very exciting recently while doing work on Astypalaia, an island off the coast of Greece: dicks and dicks galore. According to Dr. Andreas Vlachopoulos, the erotic graffiti and inscriptions he discovered are the oldest on earth.

As any self-respecting gamer would, Ice-T—a rapper and reality show star who also helps Mariska Hargitay solve sex crimes on TV—has a celebratory dance that he does upon successfully completing a level in his favorite video games, which includes Call of Duty. His dance involves his dick. Does yours involve your dick?

In 2011, an anonymous Canadian man fractured his penis while having sex with his wife. As if that indignity wasn't enough, surgery to correct the injury allegedly left him with a dick that was "about an inch" shorter than before.

The maker of the erectile dysfunction drug Cialis is seeking permission to sell the drug over the counter when its patent expires in 2017. The most dangerous side effect of this plan: bad jokes. Help us beat dick joke dysfunction, starting now.

A Texas man attached a picture of his penis (or, rather, 'a' penis) to his job application. The man has been ticketed for "obscene display or distribution" and is still, presumably, looking for a job.

Submitted by Gawker reader Steve Madonna. Thanks, Steve!

Earlier today, Kanye West posted the official video for the Yeezus single "Black Skinhead" on his official site. [Update: MTV News points out that the site on which the video was posted is actually a Universal Music Group "development" page.] It features a CGI Kanye dancing to song's Gary Glitter-esque shuffle. It's bad. Really bad. It looks kind of like The Sims or maybe an interstitial from Tekken 2. It's definitely not polished enough for Just Dance. "This is that goon shit / Fuck up your whole afternoon shit," snarls Kanye, but this video wouldn't even fuck up your brunch.

A gimme, from Media Matters: Sean Hannity then, rabidly defending the Bush Administration's warrantless NSA wiretapping program. And Sean Hannity now, rabidly attacking the Obama Administration's NSA wiretapping program.

Dicks: Many people have them and some people are them and some people are them but do not have them and some people do have them but are not them. Today, our challenge is to determine whether or not actor Jesse Eisenberg, inventor of starring in The Social Network, is a dick or merely has one.

Stars: They're just like us! Their boyfriends have pearls in their dicks! They go grocery shopping with their boyfriends with pearls in their dicks! They visit the planetarium with their boyfriends with pearls in their dicks! They decide to try a new restaurant with their boyfriends with pearls in their dicks and when they get there the service is really terrible and they're like (kind of annoyed) "Where did you find this place?" and their boyfriends with pearls in their dicks are like "I looked it up on Yelp. It got good reviews" and then they look it up on Yelp and realize that restaurant has two locations. ! Demi Moore's new boyfriend has a pearl in his dick.

This is a lawsuit over penis doodles and vagina pasta.

Everybody knows the rules of binge drinking and bro-habitating: When you pass out anywhere beside your bed after a night of beer bongs and body shots and yelling at sports, you are fair game for a variety of pranks. You may wake up surrounded by stupidly placed bananas, or with cigarettes up your nose, or bearing a crude map of pee-pees all over your forehead. This is just the way it is.

Fat dick Roger Ailes is the subject of a deeply, deeply terrible new biography by magazine writer Zev Chafets. You can gauge its value by the fact that Chafets saw fit to acknowledge his "debt" to Fox News chief flack Brian Lewis, who, when he's not busy feeding Chafets bullshit about Roger Ailes, has been orchestrating a smear campaign against people who are writing less adoring biographies of Fox's Dear Leader. It took me about 30 minutes of reading before I came across the book's first documentable lie from Ailes: His claim that he was never paid to be Richard Nixon's message guru and tie-picker.

If you are ever captured by an enemy, and interrogated using the very latest mind control technique, and you have a dick, pay close attention to what you are about to read here.

Meet Maurizio and Roberto Viel. They are twin brothers who co-own a plastic surgery practice and have performed multiple procedures on one another to increase their resemblance. (Maurizio gave Roberto a nose job; Roberto plumped Maurizio's face.) One surgery they have not performed on each other, however, is their practice's specialty: Penis enlargement.

Interested in celebrity dick size? Boy, do I have the book for you: Celebrities with Big Dicks like Jay-Z, Liam Neeson, Colin Farrell, and Many More, edited by one Dana Rasmussen. It's out of stock right now on Amazon—I bought the last copy—but you can order one of three used copies available, starting at the low price of $37.73 (plus shipping).

"When you become famous, you've got like a year or two where you act like a real asshole," Bill Murray told Tom Shales and James Miller when they interviewed him for Live from New York, their oral history of Saturday Night Live. "You can't help yourself. It happens to everybody. You've got like two years to pull it together — or it's permanent." He was talking, of course, about Chevy Chase, his opponent in a famous backstage fistfight. The two are friendly now, and it seems as though Murray wanted to imply that Chase had "pulled himself together" following his sudden rise to fame.

Corrupt falafelateer Bill O'Reilly loves nothing more than a good old-fashioned ambush interview. Except when he's the ambushee, in which case he will attack you with his umbrella and try to have you arrested. That's what he did last night when an activist armed with a video camera caught him apparently leaving a Newt Gingrich fundraiser.