· Pretty-yet-stupid celebrity couple Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake are likely no more. Which was suspected, of course. [NYDN]
· Gross thought of the day: Britney Spears and new husband-slave Kevin Federline spent the first 48 hours of their honeymoon in their hotel room. [Scoop]
· The latest issue of Details unwisely criticizes the style of the Gotti "goombah grandsons." Is it possible to put an entire staff in cement? [NYDN]
· Now that the catfights are totally out in the open, it's too bad that "Sex and the City" isn't still in production. Co-star Kim Cattrall was decidedly not invited to the show's reunion party after the Emmys. Hooray for catty exclusion! [Page Six]
· Unprovoked, Lil' Kim says to a reporter, "You better not write anything bad about me, bitch." The woman can work a journo like a jew's harp, no? [NYDN (4th item)]
· Television malcontent Larry David gets pissy at Architectural Digest after covering his Martha's Vineyard home and not quite identifying him as the owner. [Page Six]

· Can 18 year-old Lindsay Lohan pull off her upcoming role as a New York publicist? Well, she drinks, she smokes, and her breasts might not be real — yeah, we think she'll be fine. [Page Six]
· Paris Hilton's memoir reaches #5 on the WSJ best-seller list. Not surprisingly, she has no idea what this means. [NYDN (3rd item)]
· NBC execs ask Donald Trump to keep his talks exclusive to NBC's "Access Hollywood" host Billy Bush which, we imagine, must be akin to being eaten alive by pygmies. Donald agrees and talkes to CBS's Pat O'Brien instead. [Page Six]
· Tom Cruise graciously opens a Scientology center in Madrid. The opening ceremony was attended by approximately 1000 people, most of whom thought they were merely attending a party featuring Tom Cruise. Silly Spaniards, you should know better! [Scoop]

We'll be the first to admit that Serendipity wasn't exactly the best movie on earth (unless, of course, we're menstruating), but has Kate Beckinsale's career plummeted so southward that she can't even pay for her Manolos? Or is a pretty doppelganger ruining her "good" name? A reader reports that Kate might be doing the dance of the Winona:

A bit of time has passed since we've oozed with love for reality disaster Victoria Gotti, but that's mainly because her PR blitz died down and we got bored with her hanging out around Lizzie Grubman. Grubman is the antibuzz, after all. But then a reader sends us an alleged, earth-shattering account:

· The reports from Britney's fairy-tale wedding: "The couple exchanged vows, then guests dined on chicken fingers, crab cakes, ribs and Waldorf salad. The newlyweds danced to Journey's 'Lights.'" Exactly what we expected, to be honest. [NYDN]
· Madonna's Kabbalah bracelet fails to protect her from the Israeli paparazzi, who ruined her pilgramage to Western Wall. [NYDN]
· Pamela Anderson does Jesus. No, not just the guy she teaches about in Sunday school — her actual boy-toy is named Jesus, too. Is Christianity the new Judiasm of entertainment? [Page Six]
· Local Fox News talking head Julie Banderas is a bit of a wild child. Pics of Julie in the news van with beer, cigarettes, and crotch-rubbing have surfaced. [Gatecrasher]
· While Tara Reid was acting as a celebrity "witness" to a JC Penney-sponsored wedding (which, um, makes us wonder what she's doing with her current agent), her overly-peroxided hair got a bit too close to the candles. As with most scents emanating from Tara, the smell was intolerable. [Page Six]
· Kate Moss and Johnny Knoxville hook up (again) during Fashion Week, along with everyone else in the world. Underfed models in overpriced clothes make people feel so romantic! [ELK]

So not only did I fail to spend my weekend in the confines of the city, dumping snowdrifts on my face and crushing cans of $2 PBR on my head per usual, but I also failed to cover the biggest pop culture disaster of the week: Britney Spears secretly tied the knot to her cheeto-enabling fiancé, the illustrious Kevin Federline. The ceremony was held in a private home in Studio City, CA, and I was too busy learning to breathe in a place without internet (yes, such places exist! I know, I was as appalled as you are right now!) to share this special gossip moment with you all. The best I can do is point your attention to her beautiful wedding pajamas.

· Pop trollop Britney Spears demands that the Mandarin Oriental spa clear out all its guests before she exercises and gets a massage. Oh, and she wasn't even a guest at the hotel. How very J.Lo of her. [Page Six]
· Fresh from prison and making some cash: Mary Kay Letourneau and her former student-cum-lover, Vili Fualaau, plan on selling photographs documenting their reunion to the highest bidder. We're not sure we'd want to see those if you paid us. [NYDN]
· Val Kilmer pulls the diva act at new nightspot NA, asking the busboy to fetch him several pizzas and Italian dishes. He barely ate any of it, of course. [NYDN
· Addled actor Edward Furlong is arrested for public intoxication in Kentucky, where he tried to emancipate a tankful of lobsters at a local restaurant. Alcoholism aside, we think PETA would be proud. [Page Six]

We're a bit disturbed by the photographic evidence, taken at the World Music Awards in Las Vegas, which points to a friendship between Anna Nicole Smith, Courtney Love, and Avril Lavigne. We're concerned about what kind of bad influence this friendship could have on someone who's in such a delicate condition. Seriously: Courtney shouldn't be exposed to those nasty sluts.
This Could Get Complicated [The Sun UK]

Some readers have pointed out that we are, perhaps, a bit Olsen obsessed. Yeah, well, no shit. How can we not be? New York has been given its own pair of free-roaming animatronic monkey twins! And we have to pay lot of attention to the little bobble-head dolls right now, because God knows one of them is going to keel over sooner rather than later. Then we'll feel really bad for not giving them more of our focus when we should have. So while some of you might start your day with coffee or a scone, we start ours with MK & A.

· Is Jessica Simpson ready for obscurity? Please? She was ignored by Fashion Week photographers in favor of the Olsen twins and "snubbed" socialite Sarah Siegel-Magness, despite the fact the Siegel-Magness had hired Simpson to sing for her husband's birthday. Less hot than the Olsens, fine, but singing at birthday parties? She is so over. [Page Six]
· Orthodox Jews in Israel are less than pleased by Madonna's arrival in the holy land for Rosh Hashanah. Protesters waited for her outside Rachel's tomb; Madonna probably pelted $5 bottles of Kabbalah water at their heads. [NYDN]
· Singer Ashanti's relationship with rapper Nelly hits the meet-the-parents level, pissing off former beau and Murder, Inc. record head Irv Gotti. Somehow, we think this might be unwise. [Page Six]
· Trampster Tara Reid pulls the diva card, demanding a $1000/night suite at the Hotel Gansevoort and a room at the Four Seasons so she could "disco nap" between appearances being made for JC Penney (with Princess Michael of Kent, ha!). There's something really ironic about a B-lister demanding A-list treatment from a D-list retailer. [NYDN]
· Princess Michael of Kent continues to be a raging bitch. She forces her doorman to pay for her cabs (of course she doesn't tip him), freeloads her Park Avenue apartment, and insists on silence in the building's lobby. And then there's that whole Tara Reid JC Penney thing. [Page Six]

UK gossip newsletter Popbitch gets us all sensitive for a moment with a sad tale of what it's like to be any Olsen other than Mary-Kate. Actually, nah, don't worry — we're not *that* sensitive to the twins, but we certainly are appalled by the idiocy of Calvin Klein employees:

· Vogue editrix Anna Wintour has hired three (yes, three) ex-Navy SEALS to work as her bodyguards. So maybe a lot of people want to scratch Anna's eyes out, but perhaps she's keeping such a large quantity of men around for personal ogling purposes? [Page Six]
· Vincent Gallo continues to frighten and horrify those around him: after persistently pursuing a married woman at a party, she was forced to run away. [NYDN (bottom of page)]
· Thankfully, Bungalow 8 will destroy Nicky Hilton and Todd Meister's marriage. [Page Six]
· Security is so inexplicably hardcore at VF scribe Amy Fine's upcoming book party that attendees are being asked to submit birthdates. Ivana Trump and other society ho-bags aren't attending for fear of revealing that they're really fucking old. [Page Six]
· Paris Hilton's appearance at a Los Angeles bookstore is met with protests. Apparently someone's miffed that the debutwit wrote a book without being able to read? [Scoop]

We thought it was just us when Vincent Gallo denied our interview request, but it turns out he pretty much hates everyone and everything. Nice! A reader reports that Vincent Gallo not only refuses to be photographed (we bet he thinks the pictures will steal his dirty soul), but he also knows a "horrible, horrible" person when he sees one. Too bad he doesn't know the same thing about screenplays.

· Jennifer Lopez continues to piss off everyone around her. Cosmetics giant Coty was actually surprised that the princess bandied about New York this week on their dime. The rest of the thinking world, however, hardly bats an eye. [NYDN]
· Celebuskank Paris Hilton is spotted at Marquee giving lip service to a man who's definitely not her reported beau, Simon Rex. Not that we ever thought those two were going to be very dedicated to each other. [Page Six]
· Dave Navarro's memoir Don't Try This At Home is finally going to press after Navarro initially backed out of the publication. Thank God Navarro will finally share his stereotypical descent into drugs and alcohol with the world; we're so short on stories like his. [Page Six]
· You didn't think we'd have only one Paris item today, did you? With sister Nicky and celebrity stoner Bijou Philips, Paris got her makeup done for the Lacoste show — which she wasn't actually in, mind you. She did, however, sit in the front row and talk through the entire show. Isn't she classy? [NYDN (3rd item)]

If Gawker had a photo album, surely these images of Bijou Phillips at the Heatherette fashion show with Paris and Nicky Hilton (kind of a twatty triumvirate) would be amongst our most precious. It would seem that Bijou first got ridiculously stoned and then, as one is wont to do after copious amounts of stabber-level weed, went to town on some tasteful white cake. You see, Bijou can be peaceful and play nice. You just have to sedate her first.
New York Spring 2005 Fashion Week - Round One [OAN]

· Lenny Kravitz cancels his appearance at a Rolling Stone luncheon after finding out the guest list topped over 100 people, including advertisers. If Lenny says whoring is out, it must be out, right? Or is Lenny out? [Page Six]
· Ally Hilfiger gets denied by Fashion Week party bouncers, along with everyone else. [NYDN (last item)]
· Pervy old men, it's time for your big chance: Mary-Kate Olsen has split with former starvation-enabler Jeffrey Katzenberg. Now she's free to snag a 30 year-old of her own, like sister Ashley. [ELK]
· Victoria Gotti hits the fashion week runway in a revealing little number, but only walks halfway down the catwalk for fear of her sons seeing too much of Mommy's skin. We love a demure mob princess! [Page Six]
· Bungalow 8 is the best place on earth, simply because someone chucked drinks at heiress Nicky Hilton and shotgun husband Todd Meister. [ELK (4th item)]
· The boy who accused Michael Jackson of sexual abuse in 1993 says, "Michael Jackson is the Devil in God's clothes!" So god wears gold lamé? Shit, church is cool again! [NYDN]

· All the shit comes out to play during Fashion Week. Scott Barnes, makeup artist and former J-Lo slave, reveals Lopez's penchant for using a "faith healer" to cleanse her home of bad karma and put hexes on her enemies. Barnes didn't mention Jenny's rampant marijuana use, but we're thinking it pretty much goes hand in hand with whatever the hell she's doing. [Page Six]
· Is Britney planning a bachelor party for Kevin Federline or isn't she? Flacks are balking at whether or not she's booked the "Real World" suite at the Vegas Palms casino. Can Vegas handle the possible influx of white t-shirts and baby fat? NYDN (2nd item)]
· Typical Tara Reid sighting: "doing what she does best — heavy drinking." [Page Six]
· Poor Casey Johnson — the heiress strolls into designer Alvin Valley's afterparty and sees her sworn enemy, waning "it" boy Fabian Basabe. When she turns in the opposite direction, she falls hard. Oh, and her boobies are hanging out. [NYDN (2nd item)]
· P. Diddy is two months late on his $35k payments to Mysa Hylton-Brim, the mother of his son Justin. Despite the missing $70k, we're thinking getting knocked up by Citizen Change might not be a bad gig. [Page Six]

· There's a case of Nicole Kidman backlash going around: legendary actress Lauren Bacall snaps that Kidman is hardly a legend herself, Sharon Osbourne calls the actress a "skinny cow," and her film "Birth" is booed at the Venice Film Festival when she appears naked onscreen with a ten year-old boy. Aren't we being a little hard on kiddie porn and anorexia? [Page Six]
· Kitty Kelley, the author responsible for the Bush Does Coke At Camp David scandal, claims Larry King won't allow her on his show because he's a Bush crony. Total fucking shocker. [NYDN]
· The downward spiral of Britney Spears continues, as she takes heat for not attending charity events. Well, duh, she's too busy smoking Kools and getting a rash from Kevin Federline's bad teen mustache. [Scoop]
· Someone does us all a favor and fires a gun in the direction of abusive actor Tom Sizemore. [NYDN (3rd item)]

God, Olsen-spotting is like crack — you start and you seriously can't stop. Or I can't, anyhow. A stalker reports that Mary-Kate Olsen is attempting to eat in public and has been spotted pretending to be interested in a salad with what may or may not have been fatty bleu cheese dressing! Also present were carbolicious croutons! And the emaciated thing? Totally attractive, a reader writers:

· If you didn't think prison crowding was an issue, think again: domestic felon Martha Stewart continues to run somewhat free because there are no beds available at Danbury federal prison. [Page Six]

· Paris Hilton's tour de force, Confessions Of An Heiress, debuted yesterday at #59 on Amazon.com, ensuring that the book she barely wrote will garner her more cash that she doesn't need. So. Not. Fair. [NYDN]

· According to Us Weekly, First Twin Jenna Bush got stuck in an elevator at Club 17. Always resourceful, Jenna pries the elevator doors open with chopsticks and celebrates her freedom with tequila. She's like a drunken MacGyver! [NYDN (last item)]

· Heiress Casey Johnson and Bijou Phillips have enlisted wunder-lawyer Robert Shapiro to defend them against former Playboy model Nicole Lenz's $1 million defamation and battery lawsuit. The motion to throw out Lenz's case more or less calls her a has-been — oh, snap! [Page Six]

· Flacktastic Lizzie Grubman has her hands full chasing around the Gotti boys. This has to be some sort of karmic retribution for her past sins, no? [NYDN (bottom of page)]