Sarah Jessica Parker is splashed all over the Transom column this week, leading us to wonder if she's New York's most omnipresent munchkin-woman. A snippet of the girlish chatter during the New Yorker festival's Q&A with writer Susan Orlean, in which an audience member's question leads to another cutesy quip from Parker:

· NYU students claim to have seen the Olsen twins in class just yesterday, despite rumors that the chipmunks may have dropped out. Meanwhile, Moby calls the duo "rampantly self-medicating." Um, obviously, that's why we love them. [NYDN (2nd item)]
· South Park creators Trey and Matt Stone think P. Diddy's Vote Or Die Campaign sends a retarded message; they also admit their upcoming film Team America is even more retarded and utterly devoid of message. How surprising. [Page Six]
· Tween star Hilary Duff takes her drama with Lindsay Lohan to musical proportions with a new song directed at the blessedly-boobed actress. Next up, a dance-off. [Scoop]
· Martha Stewart naked! Martha Stewart naked! Okay, it's for the prison squat and cough routine, but whatever. Martha Stewart naked! [Page Six]
· Golfing phenom Tiger Woods marries his Swedish bride, Elin Nordegren, in an extravagant ceremony in Barabados, which makes us feel very cold and very poor. [NYDN]

Just to start your day off right, Fox News gossip gimp Roger Friedman lovingly describes lesbified actress Cynthia Nixon's girlfriend, Christine Marinoni, as "a stout but intelligent looking woman." Uh huh.
Cynthia Nixon: From 'Sex' To Politics [Fox411]

We're hearing some whispers regarding the educational fate of stick figurines Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, so we're going to go ahead and purely speculate for a moment: have our little girls dropped out of NYU? And, if so, why? Was the stress of being chaffeured to and from campus far too great? Perhaps their individualized programs of study actually required them to, like, study, and the responsibility interfered with their Nobu reservations?

We're utterly shocked to hear that the Britney Spears suite (er, "Foundation Room") at Boston's Onyx Hotel is less than fabulous, according to Boston.com. The plasma television only plays Britney's In The Zone DVD, the decor resembles a Louisiana whorehouse, and the mini-bar is stocked with Cheetos. Yeah, that sounds about right. The closet, however, is not stocked with white Federline t-shirts, so we're not sure we agree with the writer's claim that the $349-per-night room is "the fourth circle of hell."
A Night Spent Stuck In The Britney Zone [Boston.com]

For some reason, today isn't a national holiday and we can't figure out why not. It's socialite and newlywed Nicky Hilton's 21st birthday, after all! Now she can finally have that legal drink she's been holding off on. I bet she's getting hammered on her first mimosa ever this very minute. Let's all support her during her public descent into alcoholism by buying her a shot at TGI Friday's!

· Lindsay Lohan's dad, Michael, teeters on the border of batshit insane. Mom Dina has taken out an order of protection against him while Lindsay tries to focus on her work with cinematic masterpiece Herbie the Love Bug. [Page Six]
· Elton John accuses Madonna of lip-syncing and then gets in a huff of her ticket prices. Queen catfight at the bike racks! [NYDN]
· Supermodel Carmen Kass breaks up with Butter co-owner Richie Akiva; the world sheds a skinny, overpriced tear. [Page Six]
· Jayson Blair subscribes to the weekend New York Times. Does he think $3 a week is going heal all wounds? Actually, it might. [NYDN]
· Parker Posey's dog gets diarrhea on the plane. We had to mention this, sorry. [Page Six]

· Like most convicted felons, Martha Stewart jets off to the Bahamas for a weekend of sun, surf and sand before she begins serving time. Nothing says "Prison Bitch" like a glowing tan. [NYDN]
· Page Six actually thinks that tapes of Congressman Gary Condit talking with Dominick Dunne about former intern Chandra Levy's murder will take some of the focus off of Paris Hilton. Ha, yeah right. [Page Six]
· Mary-Kate Olsen, on the rebound from her relationship David Katzenberg, has been "snuggling" on the town with Ali Fatourechi. The two were introduced by Ashley's boyfriend, Scott Sartiano. No word on Ali's age, but we're guessing it's somewhere in the vicinity of old. [ELK (2nd item)]
· Pseudo-punk-popster-from-hell Avril Lavigne tries to party like the big kids by trashing her trailer during a Maxim photo shoot. Unfortunately, she could only manage a measly $600 worth of damage. [Gatecrasher]

· Did Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake break up over infidelities? Justin is rumored to have been secretly dating a 26 year-old brunette named Monica who, I'm sure, is absolutely brilliant. Smart people stick together! [Page Six]
· The dumbass saga of Paris Hilton continues: she was notably absent from reality partner Nicole Richie's birthday party. Perhaps it's because Richie's ex-boyfriend is the one trying to sell Paris' latest sex-drugs-n-racism tape? [NYDN (3rd item)]
· P. Diddy's Citizen Change art exhibition threw the worst party ever. Kimora Lee Simmons and Naomi Campbell were there, but nothing happened? WTF? Is everyone sober now? Boo! [Page Six]
· Oil heir Brandon Davis gets in a fistfight with Dole heir Justin Murdock. Davis' girlfriend, actress Mischa Barton, watches on in mock horror and then berates Davis loudly. The rest of the world rolls its collective eyes. [NYDN]

[Ed: Oh, looky there, we can return to reading our gossip online. Ahem. Thank you.]
· Madonna is enrolling at Oxford for a literature degree, which she will pursue from the comfort of home. Will she be able to balance her Kabbalah texts with the traditional canon? The world waits in anticipation. [Sun UK]
· In news of extreme injustice, Insider host Pat O'Brien confesses he owns homes all over the fucking place. [Page Six]
· Reality TV spoiler? Donald Trump might be unfiring recent Apprentice cast-off, Stacie J. Her rep refuses to comment, and "no comment" always means "you're right!" [NYDN (3rd item)]
· Law & Order creator Dick Wolf celebrated his wife's birthday on Tuesday by serving her divorce papers. How sweet! [Page Six]

It really shouldn't surprise anyone, but the flurry of shocked emails merits an acknowledgment of the issue: yes, my pretties, Paris Hilton just might be a racist. Not just because in her new 12-hour sex tape (coming soon to a website near you) she drops the N-bomb, but also because she said the word with no hint of irony whatsoever.

· You mean Kevin Federline's incredible dancer salary wasn't enough to pay for Britney's diamondless wedding band? K-Fed had to take out a loan to pay for his fake wife's ring and ceremony. Oh, the shame. [Scoop]
· Russell Simmons claims wife Kimora needs more screen time on her new lifestyle show because she's more funny than her co-stars, who include Jules Asner. That's not saying much. [NYDN]
· Good news from bad Soundscan reports: Will & Grace's Eric McCormack will not be doing an easy listening album because of the show's poor soundtrack sales. [Page Six]
· The woman who spit out both Nick and Aaron Carter claims she was a "super, super mom." Maybe, but because she gave us a Backstreet Boy, she's an awful, awful person. [NYDN]
· Porn stars will play the roles of the Jenna Bush, Ann Coulter, and Lyndie England in the "Porn For Kerry" DVD. Kerry's campaign must be thrilled. [Page Six, Fleshbot]

· Recently-bedyked actress Cynthia Nixon's girlfriend has been revealed as Christine Marinoni. We're a little disappointed to see that Christine is exactly as we expected: a sweater vest-wearing education activist. Those predictable Gays! [NYDN]

· We're finding it hard to believe that there's another Paris Hilton sex tape (as reported by the reliable News Of The World), but our precious tabs are running the news of a 12-hour fuckfest nonetheless. Seriously, not even Paris is dumb enough to do this again. Right? McFly? [Page Six, Fleshbot]

· The Olsen legalbots continue to threaten anyone making t-shirts with their name on them. [Page Six]

· Madonna has reportedly invited quasi-newlyweds Britney Spears and Kevin Federline to her British estate for a honeymoon getaway. Can Kevin manage to study Kabbalah while distorting himself into obscure yoga positions without the aid of Red Bull? [The Sun UK]

· Usher and Naomi Campbell are an item? For real? What the hell? [Page Six]

· Joaquin Phoenix goes nutty on the set of the new Johnny Cash biopic, as a death scene reminds him of brother River's overdose. Shit, are we supposed to be sensitive to this? [NYDN
· Has Madonna been uninvited from Egypt? The sphinx is none too fond of red string bracelets and the government is listening. [Scoop]
· Boxy handbag matron Kate Spade is reuniting with her husband Andy — perhaps because Kate is 5 months pregnant? Seeing a marriage saved by pregnancy is so retro! [ELK]
· Poor little Puff Daddy: no one will rent him a private jet for fear that the hip-hop mogul might trash the aircraft. Sadly, smashing bottles of Cristal over your head will do that to your reputation. [Gatecrasher]
· CBS considers slapping Janet Jackson with the entire $550k fine from her Super Bowl nipple exposure. Isn't it great to be living in Victorian America? [Page Six]

· Desperate times for "Friends" alum David Schwimmer: he's calling ex-girlfriend Gina Lee's assistant for drinks. It's not the first time he's been slumming for ladies, and we don't get it. Doesn't anyone realize he's LOADED? [NYDN (2nd item)]
· The Olsen juggernaut halts production on "Save Mary Kate" t-shirts, which feature an emaciated MK looking near death. Like that's such a unique image or something. Maybe they should stop production on cameras too. [Page Six]
· Elton John hates Taiwan. Wherever will he get his clothes now? [NYDN]
· Barbara Walters comforts the dying Dan Rather the only way she knows how: with her soft, womanly embrace. [Page Six]

Good morning. Here's your new dyke, Cynthia Nixon. Enjoy! Oh, wait, you met her yesterday. So this news didn't make you totally shit yourself? No? Well, check out the cover of today's Daily News and maybe you'll understand why I've lost control of my bodily functions.

We get really cranky when we take the time to pretend we're real journalists and call important people — and we get even more cranky when people like Cynthia Nixon's publicist won't call us back. Pretty strange, considering we hear Cynthia is giving interviews to everyone and their grandmothers. Maybe the PR gang is mad at us because we won't play along with what just might be an "embargo" designed to keep Cynthia out of the press until tomorrow. Oh, silly little rules. Barf.

Wouldn't it be funny if "Sex and the City" alum Cynthia Nixon, like, came out as a lesbian to a local tab (maybe even one that isn't the Post or Newsday) in the next 24 hours? Seriously, what are the chances of something crazy like that?! We're cracking up just thinking about it. We also laughed about urban legends like alligators in the sewers, so who knows? 'Cause we KNOW there be some alligators in the sewers.

· Okay, so Britney Spears is "spiritually" married, not, like, legally married. Don't bother digesting this, we're sure the story will change in another 10 minutes. [NYDN]
· Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban, whose reality tv venture, "The Benefactor," debuted to miserable ratings, claims Donald Trump lends himself to "The Apprentice" because he needs the money. That almost makes sense, but not at all. [Page Six]
· The birthday party Jennifer Lopez planned for hubby Marc Anthony is nothing but class: karaoke and a cake featuring an airbrushed image of the birthday boy. [Sun UK]
· Are Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey on the rocks? And wouldn't a separation episode of "Newlyweds" be fucking awesome? [Page Six]

Holy fucking shit. According to US Weekly, Britney Spears, master of deception, actually took the time to fake her own wedding: