Dear twelve thousand people who wrote to us last week to tell us that the hype and lines surrounding Momofuku Noodle Bar are totally justified: get excited! Next week, you will be clogging the sidewalk at the corner of Allen and Rivington, where a new pho bar from an ex-Fleur de Sel chef is opening for business on the 21st. Promising signs that this soup stand will be the new hotness: 1) its below-Houston location — hello, going to Momo means that you have to venture dangerously near the 14th St. invisible barrier that delimits your life 2) "orange and brown decor" and 3) the name sounds sort of like Kombucha, the $3 vinegar soda thing that we always see rich hippies (who are a well-known hipster-yuppie variant strain) drinking on the L train. So there you have it: pho is the new ramen. No word yet on whether any of Kampuchea's menu items will resemble your Asian boyfriend's ass in any way, but here's hoping.

Wow, you sure like ramen! The verdict is in: Momofuku is (for the most part) worth the wait, especially if you're into pork buns — one tipster informs us that these pig-flavored treats are "soft and full (and unnervingly like my Asian boyfriend's ass)." Yummy! And if you want to avoid the wait, there's Momofuku Ssam bar, apparently. The whole "asian burrito" thing skeeves us, but maybe we're wusses. Just a couple of caveats: there's a good reason to steer clear of dragging home your leftovers, and also, their cooks don't want to hear about your pigtail. Read on . . .

Every time we pass E.Vil noodlebar Momofuku, we wonder how it's possible that there's always such a mammoth line of hungry hipstersyupsters clogging the sidewalk. Sure, New York Mag deemed it the best "cheap eats" (our definition of "cheap" is a 25 cent packet of ramen, not a $14 bowl of it, but we digress), and chef David Chang was honored by Food and Wine as a Best New Chef of the year. Buzzbuzzbuzz. Whatever. There would have to be a rainbow-winged unicorn covered in diamonds at the bottom of that ramen bowl to entice us to stand in line for an hour in order to crouch on a stool at a packed counter of a perpetually-overfull restaurant, but then, that's us. What about you? Have you tasted the transcendent ramen? Does it taste like a choir of angels singing, or did you regret the hour of your life you spent staring at the traffic on First Ave.? Tell us.

Former Megu waitress Satomi Southward has filed a sexual-harassment lawsuit against the Japanese megaplex, seeking $20 million in compensatory and punitive damages. The suit alleges that Southward endured all sorts of nasty things at the Tribeca joint: head chef Mitsuo Endo sexually humiliated her in front of the staff and inappropriately touched her with utensils (oh, those dirty spatulas); line chef Lawrence Herman accused her of blowing a banana; and, rather horrifyingly, Southward claims that she was drugged during the restaurant's holiday party, only to regain consciousness to Herman "shoving his fingers in her vagina." Don't you love Christmas in New York?

Wine Spectator editor, publisher and chairman Marvin Shanken recently wrote about going to dinner with three friends; the bill for the evening was $1500 ($300 on food, $1200 on wine). His tip? $150. Shanken's rationale was that he tipped $60 for the food (a decent 20%) and $90 for the wine (an indecent 7.5%). But from the perspective of us common folk, it still adds up to a nasty 10% tip for a waiter who spent the entire night gently licking the wealthy, wide asses of Shanken and his guests.

• Al Gore and Lindsay Lohan are in a "huge feud." "She knows what she did," says Gore. Wait — is he making a funny? Good for him! [Deadline Hollywood]
• There's a polio outbreak in Namibia, killing 7 adults and paralyzing 33 others — and the Times still manages to raise the Shiloh issue, if only to tell you that they've no idea whether or not she's been vaccinated. [NYT]
• The settlement regarding Shock's stolen cover photo is off; shitstorm to resume Monday. [AdAge]
• For the lazy fatty within us all, a list of restaurants within 200 meters of every single subway stop. [Taste of the NY Subway]
• No plans tonight? Staying home alone? Have some lotion, kleenex, and a good imagination? Then maybe you'll find some use for these not-so-hardcore Heather Mills pictures. [Fleshbot]
• Trolling Craigslist's women seeking men section brings surprisingly aggressive results. [Animal]
• Behind every activist working against "wealthy white masters" is a hefty trustfund, presumably from his wealthy white father. [Daily Politics]
• The Sun needs a new city editor. If you're a right-wing journo with pants hicked up to your ribcage, please contact editor Ira Stoll. [NY Press]

Great news for the cravat-wearing crowd: the third incarnation of Le Cirque opens to the public on May 30, and this week it's been practicing for the real deal. Last night it hosted a benefit for the Whitney, and tomorrow it will open its doors to a select group of 1,500 of New York's most crotchety scenesters. Who to expect at this intimate preview? Who cares? There's only person who matters and who will most certainly be there: cryogenically preserved gossip columnist Cindy Adams.

• Seventeen EIC Atoosa Rubenstein continues to drop verbal gems wherever she goes. At Gotham Hall last night, she let it be known that in high school, no one wanted to have sex with her because of her hairy "werewolf legs." Well, now we know. But we wish we didn't. [Muckracked]
• We can't help it, but we're still kind of loving the cracktarded TMZ. Their paparazzi video clips are priceless — watch Nicole Richie walk out of a doctor's office and feel the magic for yourselves! [TMZ]
• And in other emaciated starlet news, Lindsay Lohan is seen kissing Kate Moss's latest boy, 21-year-old bartender Jaime Burke. Could he be the K-Fed of the coke crowd? [People]
• The Times blog development team has some major security issues to deal with. [Daily Gotham]
• Amazingly enough, the New Yorker manages to take all the joy out of Astoria's Bohemian Hall Beer Garden with one simple review. [NYer]
• Tom Cruise can conquer the world — but a car door, not so much. [Got Detroit]
• Bloomberg visits the set of the Nanny Diaries. He just adored the book, y'know? [Newsday]
• Thankfully, we can always turn to Williamsboard to remind us that hipsters have no reservations about being just as stereotypical as ever. [Williamsboard]
• Bad news: After spending a week submerged in a tank full of bombast, David Blaine's hands and feet seem to be returning back to normal. [ABC]

• How can you not love Nicole Richie? The saintly thing can't help but share every last sprinkle of blow she's got. [Defamer]
• The reservation line for Mr. Chow's Tribeca outpost is up and running; even if you're nobody, you can snag a table for Saturday's opening. [Eater]
• After reading an interview in which Barbara Corcoran talks about overcoming dyslexia to become the wicked queen of the housing bubble, we have to wonder: Is the Corcobeast the Tom Cruise of real estate? [Bankrate]
• At this point, what hasn't Kaavya Viswanathan plagiarized? [Crimson]
• Providence, R.I., actually manages to outdo Williamsburg in the retarded irony department. [You Tube]
• Scientology digs its claws into Janeane Garofolo. Is no one safe? [Scoop]
• Memoirist Augusten Burroughs likens the James Frey boondoggle to Milli Vanilli. Wrong! Milli Vanilli is far superior, simply by virtue of their hair. [Book Standard]
• The Smoking Gun pulls through with documents from Sopranos actor John Ventimiglia's arrest, complete with an impressive six counts of being totally fucked up. [TSG]

A lady who lunches informs us that Noho eateries Five Points and Noho Star are closed for lunch due to the immigration strike — anyone know of any other venues suffering because of headstrong laborers? We called Five Points to confirm and received the following explanation: "You know, because most of the kitchen staff..." [Voice awkwardly trails off.] Oh yes, we know. [Eyes roll, disapproving shake of head.]

• Assuming Tom Cruise does eat placenta, he learned how to serve it courtesy of Vice. It's like Food & Wine for the flesh-eating hipster set, after all. [Viceland]
• How bad are things getting in the world of big-budget beauty pageants? Bad enough that Miss USA contestants are doing photo-ops Mars 2112. [Getty Images]
• The FreeJaredPaulStern blog, dedicated to saving the reporter from allegations of extortion, throws in the towel. Sometimes people just don't want to be helped. [FJPS]
• Another reason to fear bloggers. [CNN]
• Heeding the call of impatient burger lovers everywhere, Shake Shack gets its own webcam so that you can effectively time your visits for more efficient, heart-clogging consumption. [Gothamist]
• The legendary Algonquin Round Table gets the musical treatment; Dorothy Parker rolls over in her grave. [Reuters]
• We've no idea if this is legitimate, but downtown auteur Marc Ecko claims to have tagged Air Force One. Update: OK, not legitimate. [Still Free]
• Village Voice nightowl Tricia Romano comes clean about her swag, none of which strikes us as particularly enviable. [VV]
• Natasha Lyonne, pull your ass out of rehab and come pick up your shit. [CL]

• The Today Show may be losing Katie Couric's legs, but there's still hope if Meredith Vieira takes her place: Vieira eschews underwear in favor of nature's breeze. [TMZ]
• A moment of sincerity: Jane Pratt and Gwen Stefani working together on a magazine? Holy fucking awesome. We'll spend tonight sleeping on a pile of Sassys, praying for a miracle. [Suicide Girls]
• Because nothing is sacred, bid adieu to the $5 burgers and endless beers at Columbia's legendary West End — it's time for the Cuban invasion. [NY Sun]
• Is Gloria Steinem a Diva Who Dines? [DWD (scroll down)]
• Behold the commuting majesty of the SeaStreak, the preferred boat of New Jersey traders and those nostalgic for a booze cruise. [Dealbreaker]
• In a similarly depressing, finance-oriented vein, we present you with Hedgestock. Oh yes, hell is very, very real. [Dealbook]
• How the Times artfully dodges the Corrections bullet. [Tabloid Baby]

A few frightened readers have informed us that restaurateur Nello Ballan took out a cryptic full-page ad in Saturday's Post, which reportedly read something like the following:

• Remember the name Rachel Noerdlinger. She's the publicist who sent out an announcement that the city would pay $25.6 million Staten Island Ferry crash victim Paul Esposito when, in fact, no such agreement had been reached. Well done, missy. [NYT]
• For what it's worth, Times restaurant critic Frank Bruni can't get a table at Craft, either. And he often dines at hotspots as early as 5:45 or as late as 9:45 — just remind your girlfriend of that when she starts whining about Buddakan. [Diner's Journal]
• Stodgy millionaire residents of the West Village continue to complain about the noisy gay teens on Christopher Street and its pier. The solution, clearly, is to get these kids a roller rink. You know, a place to hang. [VV]
• Fine, fine — Time Inc. will pay you back. [FishbowlNY]
• The difference between Cargo.com and Cargomag.com? Heteros. [Big and Sharp]
• With Trader Joe's currently dominating the circus, 14th Street has become a paradise for gourmet food porn aficianados. [Curbed]
• Red States win at the Washington Post. [E&P]

While it may very much seem that we are only capable of distate and disgust, we love the Observer. We also love much of their staff, a smartypants bunch of devilkins who are known to randomly appear at events in inappropriately dapper suits. So we raise the following issue with nothing but the utmost concern:

• Early this morning, Melania Knauss crapped out Donald Trump's baby. A reader earlier told us the baby boy will be named Barron William Trump, though we've no confirmation on that. What we do know, however, is that if Barron weren't Donald Trump's son, the Donald would probably be dating him. [Gothamist]
• Any man who calls himself a "cougar" deserves to be shot. [NYP]
• There seems to be a blog for everything, so why not one dedicated to the ugly couches for sale on Craigslist? [Revolting Sofas]
• All those people waiting in line for Trader Joe's, and they're not even selling booze yet. Fools. [Consumerist]
• Whether you feel it or not, spring has sprung. Or so sayeth Shake Shack, which reopened today. [Eater]
• David Brooks, revisionist of his own history. [Radosh]
• It's a particularly choice day for Drudge: At the time of this writing, he's got Buddha Boy, freak weather, baby monkeys, and a deformed lamb up on his site. It's like he's revealing his soul. [Drudge]

• The latest in the Times' ever-growing stable of blogs is Wall Street and financial blog DealBook, edited by Andrew Ross Sorkin. We imagine that when Gawker alum Elizabeth Spiers gets her similar venture, Dealbreaker, up and running, these two will spend the spring mudwrestling one another. Kinda hot, no? [DealBook]
• Before you get all wet and saucy at the prospect of more pictures of Kate Moss blowing rails, keep in mind that these ones are from 1998 or so. And really, once you've seen her hoover one, you've seen her hoover them all. [Sun UK]
• Win yourself a free meal on 71 Clinton's last night of service. All you have to do is come up with the best answer to how you would spend $250 on food and drinks, in a single night, on the Lower East Side. If you want to win, we suggest refraining from mentioning Welcome to the Johnson's. [Eater]
• WASPdate continues to thrive, lending its support to plaid pants-wearing whiteys everywhere. [AM New York]
• New York mag puts out its Best of New York issue, and yet the "Best Way to Get on a Hipster Photo Website" strikes us as the worst of our fair city. [NYM]
• Frank Bruni gets highly philosophical on the issue of whether or not a restaurant should be re-reviewed. How one man puts so much thought into the star system, we'll never know. But bless him for all that he does. [Diner's Journal]

Behold the Meatpacking District's forthcoming Buddakan, a 16,000-square-foot exercise in Pan-Asian absurdity. Have you ever seen anything so large, so tacky, so retardedly leviathan? Space is at a premium in Manhattan, and we get a medieval wedding hall. Isn't about time we torched 9th Avenue?

Exactly what you want to look at while you eat.
We don't do restaurant reviews — unless it's a celebrity restaurant (oh, NYLA, we miss you so!). So last night we decided to don our crazypants and hit Destino, the new Italian restaurant at 50th and 1st Avenue. No, we didn't go for the food, even though Rao's Mario Curko is in the kitchen — we went because Justin Timberlake is a minority investor, and we were really curious as to whether or not Destino would be half as sleek and glitzy as his Los Angeles venture, Chi. Plus, we heard that Timberlake was required to make something like 2 appearances every 5 years (or some such silliness), and what if — what if — he was hanging at his new place that night? Then we could finally challenge him to a dance-off.

• NBC is reportedly ready to offer Katie Couric $20 million a year to keep her away from CBS. Who knew well-oiled gams were worth so much? [Fox411]
• Director Ang Lee is set to cast Kate Moss in his latest film, a biopic about singer Dusty Springfield, in which she'll play one of Springfield's lesbian lovers. Lee sure does have a knack for high-profile gay casting choices. [IANS]
• Kate Moss link #2: If you're in rehab and you meet the cokey model, be sure to tell her about your band. She'll inspire you to keep on focusing on your music — when you put down the needle, that is. [MySpace]
• Today on Williamsburg's favorite message board: iPods. Of course. [Williamsboard]
• Cast your vote for Time Out's 2006 Eat Out awards. Bonus points if you actually ate at any of the joints. [TONY]
• The trailer for the upcoming internet show A Good Word with the T-Bird (it hurt us just to type that, admittedly) features winning moments with your favorite hipster nightlife photographer, as well as a gem from the dude who found the first daughter's wallet at Happy Endings. [You Tube]