When self-described sad girl Lana Del Rey recently told The Guardian, "I wish I was dead already," she envisioned joining the ranks of her gone-too-soon heroes like Amy Winehouse and Kurt Cobain. Tropes, tropes, tropes: the girl's got 'em.

In one of the more bizarre Twitter beefs of late, Frances Bean Cobain, the 20-year-old daughter of Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love, tore into Kendall Jenner, the 17-year-old half-sister of Kim Kardashian, for complaining on Twitter that her life was too hard.

I think I like this conspiracy theory even more than the "Obama wears a Muslim wedding ring" one, as hard as that is to believe.

Following Courtney Love's wild Twitter rant accusing daughter Frances Bean Cobain of sleeping with her father's former bandmate Dave Grohl, the usually press-shy Frances is speaking out with a prepared statement:

Last night on her private Twitter account @cbabymichelle, Courtney Love accused 43-year-old Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl of putting the moves on 19-year-old Frances Bean Cobain, whom she claims went home with Grohl. "He had that romney rape thing about him," she mysteriously concludes about the "gross old man macking on Kurt Cobain's only child."

We all knew that Courtney Love wasn't going to win the mother of the year award anytime soon, but things between her and her daughter, Frances Bean Cobain, are really quite insane. Frances thinks Courtney killed her dog and her cat!

The O.C. Weekly is speculating that teenage property tax payer Frances Bean Cobain and rocker Isaiah Silva are getting married after a year or so of successful dating. Their primary evidence: screenshots of comments the two lovebirds left on each others' Facebook profiles, including one in which Cobain gushes about spending "the rest of my life loving my best friend," and Silva refers to his "fiance."

For perpetually calm and collected Courtney Love, it seems that time does not heal all wounds. She's still seething over Kurt Cobain's suicide. She's so enraged, in fact, that if Kurt should somehow rise from the beyond, she says she'd kill him again. And not only that! She also says she'd make sure to have sex with him one more time before finishing him off.

Simon Cowell fondly recalls a successful date with "wacko" Denise Richards. Did Lady Gaga hook up with a tween idol? Madonna defends her right to hate hydrangeas. What did Ali Lohan do to her face? Thursday gossip has questions.

The death of a reality TV star inspires ruthless rumors. Prince Harry breaks up with his lingerie model girlfriend. Kevin Federline's fifth child is born. Lindsay Lohan goes surfing. Abandon all hope ye who enter Wednesday gossip.

Courtney Love celebrated her estranged daughter's eighteenth birthday a day late on Twitter: "youve done a dammed good job frances of destroying anything i could build." She's a "sell out," and Courtney knows how to "ruiinher." Happy birthday! [Buzzfeed, @CourtneyLoveUK]

Frances Bean Cobain, daughter of late grunge-god Kurt, is 18 today. Meaning: you are old.

Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love offspring Frances Bean Cobain has a restraining order against her mother and an alter ego named Fiddle Tim who had "his" first gallery show—called Scumfuck—in L.A. this week.

She has to costar in a movie with Miley Cyrus first, though. Did Amy Winehouse's boobs spring another leak? Jersey Shore gets banned from clubs. Wizard of Oz's coroner munchkin dies. Saturday's gossip roundup defies belief.

But now we've got a marijuana rumor. Emma Watson gets an on-campus boyfriend. Liz Hurley and Hugh Grant reunite to trade tips for graceful aging. Courtney Love admits to physically harming her daughter. Sunday gossip turns back the clock.

Love takes a Geldof girl under her wing, which can only lead to disaster. Drew Barrymore blames her parents for her problems, and so does Michael Douglas' smack addict kid. Brangelina's new Voight-related headache, Michael Kors' weird bellybutton. TGIFriday gossip.

• Lindsay Lohan was supposed to go to Vienna so she could accompany creepy billionaire Richard Lugner to the Vienna Opera Ball. (He brings a different celeb or model to the event every year and pays them $150,000 for the pleasure.) Sadly, Lindsay missed her chance to collect the much-needed cash. She ran up a $22K bill at the airport duty free shop and couldn't pay the bill, and the ensuing drama forced her to miss the flight. So she didn't get Lugner's check, she has $22K in stuff she doesn't need, and her house is even more cluttered. That worked out well! [DM, P6]
• The reason Alec Baldwin was rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night yesterday? Apparently he got into a fight with his 14-year-old daughter, Ireland, over the phone and threatened to "take some pills," then she called 911 and an ambulance showed up, and Alec was like, "Ugh, fine I'll go to the hospital," and he spent about an hour in the ER before doctors sent him home. His rep says it was "all a misunderstanding," and it's possible that his ex-wife, Kim Basinger, actually prompted Ireland to call 911 in an effort to embarrass him. But Alec didn't make the situation any better when he returned home on Thursday night and "assaulted" a Post photographer who was waiting for him outside his apartment building. [Fox411, NYP, Daily News, Us]
• John Mayer broke down on stage in Nashville on Wednesday, thanked his band for standing by him, and vowed to "quit the media game." Finally! [Us]
• Bill Clinton was hospitalized yesterday after complaining of chest pains. Doctors inserted two stents into a blocked artery and the ex-president is now at home in Chappaqua and "in good spirits." [People]

Hailey Glassman lands the lowest of blows and a terrifying magazine cover. Should Alec Baldwin blame his hospitalization on his ex-wife or his daughter? Suri Cruise wears lipstick. Quentin Tarantino wears out his welcome. TGIFriday gossip.

• One of Hollywood's longest-lasting relationships is over: After 23 years and two sons, Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins announced yesterday that they've called it quits. One possible reason for the split: It seems Sarandon may have been having an affair with one of the owners of Spin, the "ping pong social club" that opened this fall and in which she's an investor. [Gawker, P6]
• Mary J. Blige is not to be messed with, clearly. At her CD release party earlier this week, she smacked husband Kendu Isaacs—or punched, depending on which account of the incident you want to go with—after she noticed him checking out a waitress. [NYDN, P6]
• Members of the cast of Jersey Shore have moved to the second chapter of "Exploiting Reality TV Stardom: Practices & Procedures": They're asking to be paid appearance fees to show up at clubs. Alas, not even a club in Hoboken was willing to cough up the $10K that they've been asking for. [P6]

• A-Rod dumpee Kate Hudson was "consoled" by fellow Rodriguez ex Madonna at the premiere of Nine on Tuesday night. As for A-Rod, he was spotted in Miami yesterday, where he supposedly made the moves on a blonde at a restaurant but came up short. There's hope for A-Rod and Kate yet, though. The two have reportedly been speaking on the phone this week, and Hudson is still hoping they can patch things up. [P6, NYDN]
• A car that Anne Hathaway was riding in struck a cyclist in LA yesterday. Thankfully, Anne emerged unscathed. But ever the good girl, she hopped out of the car to tend to the biker and was photographed looking concerned. [TMZ, People]
• Today in Tiger: Elin Nordegren has supposedly made up her mind that she's leaving him, and has been shopping for divorce attorneys before she plans to head to Sweden for Christmas; Woods' high school girlfriend is now blaming the whole mess on Tiger's father, who may have been a serial cheater; Jessica Simpson is denying reports she ever hooked up with the golfer; and as for Tiger himself, he's supposedly spent the past few days holed up at home where he spends his time eating cereal, watching cartoons, and feeling depressed.