John Mayer gifts at a 15-year-old level; Prince Harry still offends every non-white person he encounters and Sarah Jessica Parker will always be saddled with cheap jokes. It's arrested development.
The brutal Rihanna-Chris Brown spectacle got somehow worse, as did Miley Cyrus' racism scandal and the gossip about Gwyneth Paltrow's marriage. Must be Tuesday.
She's old now too. It was her 40th birthday over the weekend, and her heartbreaker/lovemaker boyfriend Johny Mayer sang "Happy Birthday" to the actress at her bday bash. Tom Hanks was there!
When Jennifer Aniston feels sentimental, she plays her old Brad Pitt phone messages. When Guy Ritchie feels sentimental, he does gay karaoke. When Marc Jacobs feels sentimental, he screws rentboy-style, outside.
Try not to get frustrated. Christian Bale may have yelled his way out of a gold statue, and Tom Cruise never stopped to think why those glib Brazilians weren't responding to his Spanish.
Rest assured, America: Lawless hippie dope fiend Michael Phelps will not get a pass from the brave sheriff of Richland County, South Carolina. Nor will A-Rod assert independence from Madonna without consequence.
Sometimes you just want to be left alone. Michael Phelps reportedly tried to pay to make pictures of his bong hits go away; John Mayer wants a lower profile than Jennifer Aniston offers.
Even football players get peed on from time to time. Also: Britney, Brandon Davis, and lesbian love!
Starbucks jobs are now reserved for Yale grads; the rest of us have to try and obtain menial but absurd positions with Kanye West.
Supposedly, nothing more can be done for Patrick Swayze.
Sean Hannity gave Alan Colmes a new Rolex and Tom Cruise gave Katie Holmes a new baby, reportedly. Disturbing relationships can still be fruitful.
Everyone's experimenting with a new crowd: Katie Holmes hangs with the bad boys; Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie try a new neighborhood and Gene Roddenberry's remains enter a whole other orbit.
Or, you know, she's back on drugs or cutting or something. Her arms are all scratched up. She's tried to hide it with long sleeves, but people have still noticed.
Tom Cruise is trying to get inside the female mind; Joe Francis slipped into women's underwear and Mike Tyson is, once again, overwhelmed with lady attention.
Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner mixed well with the gay former mayor of New Jersey, while a Variety movie reviewer had a much harder time stomaching interaction with the real-life "Dude" from The Big Lebowski.
All of the celebrities descended on Washington DC for yesterday's presidential ceremonies, in which former President Bush was pushed into the Potomac on an ice floe, never to be seen again. Read the dish!
Britney Spears will somehow seduce a publisher into paying millions for three books from her; Lindsay Lohan wants to re-seduce Gotham via magazine spread and Dan Abrams keeps seducing actresses.
Paris Hilton made out with the CEO of MySpace, everywhere, and maybe made another sex tape. Tom Cruise has wanted to kill since he was a child.
