Also: Britney Spears will scare you, Gossip Girl stars are better than you, Michael Moore will make a fool of you, and Scarlett Johansson will drink with you (if you are an old man).

Today's gossip is depressing, sorry: Robin Williams will go under the knife, Rihanna's friends are processing her Chris Brown decision and Michael Wolff is supposedly trying to kick out his mother in law.

Today we visit a bizarre parallel universe where Tom Cruise is president, Lindsay Lohan is showered with gifts and honors and Oscar-winner are expected to be humble.

Britney Spears acted out her traumatic past for her concert audiences/group therapy buddies while the Speaker of the House prepared to soak in Brad Pitt's public policy wisdom.

In Tuesday's disturbing relationship newsdump, we learn Nadya Suleman's kids brutalize her, Rihanna's Chris Brown reunion riled her family and dinner with TomKat is as weird as you think.

But you won't. No one ever will. Also in the news are Chris Brown and Rihanna (for the first time ever), Britney Spears, Katie Holmes, Madonna, and Tommy-Tom Brady.

They're off again: Looks like those reports that Chris Brown and Rihanna are back together might not be so solid. Perez has got Brown cavorting with a Kardashian. (Say it realfast three times.)

Tough love: Nadya Suleman's mom denied her babysitting services; Christian Bale's tantrums get one celebrity hot and Mr. T has a message for unemployed pansies.

So many unanswered questions: How will Octo-Mom buy the mansion she's picked out? What kind of jokes did Clint Eastwood tell about "Jose?" Where in Warren Beatty's house will Lindsay Lohan live?

"Cozy" is not the same as "together." But we can still wonder why Owen Wilson is sitting next to Kate Hudson, or if Alex Rodriguez is again flirting with Madonna via the idea of being her neighbor.

The Vanity Fair Oscar party was, this year more than ever, the center of the celebrity vortex, devouring other party-throwers Prince, Elton John, Madonna and adorable twitterering couple Demi and Ashton.

The singer was rumored to be a special guest at last night's Academy Awards ceremony but, as happened with the Grammys, the beating she received from boyfriend Chris Brown kept her away.

Barack Obama's people might throw East Coast media elite parties at the Four Seasons, but they totally make up for it with that penny-pinching cabinet member from Kansas.

A picture deal may be all that stands between octo-mom and a foreclosure,just as a clue from daughter Bee is all that stood between Anna Wintour and a new Katy Perry album.

Lindsay Lohan isn't aware how blood-sugar deprived she sounds when talking about her normal diet, and Alex Rodriguez doesn't realize how desperate he looks when with three ladies on his arm.

So says plastic-faced German fashion designer Wolfgang Joop, anyway. Yes, someone named Wolfgang Joop has criticized someone else for something. Heidi's reps say that the designer is just trying to ride her coattails.

Madonna's current boyfriend, six-year-old 22-year-old schoolboy model Jesus Pinto da Luz, has been stolen, his parents claim. He's not allowed to call them and is being held captive at the singer's Maldives lair.

She's done reality TV and (horrifyingly) interviewed her own daughter on the red carpet, and now Dina Lohan, mother of Lindsay and presumably other children, has an exciting new job opportunity: creepy Long Island transient.

Hugh Grant just wants your extra time and your kiss. Seriously, that's absolutely all he wants. Unlike George Clooney, who wants you to abdicate a political empire.

Madonna wishes Alex Rodriguez was crying on her shoulder. Meanwhile, a Los Angeles woman is offering her support to hundreds of thousands of traumatized Miley Cyrus victims.