· Funny, we always thought that the golden popcorn at the MTV Movie Awards was inedible.
· Why does everything Michael Jackson touch go bad?
· In case you think that fake-shopping for Paris and Paris at Macy's isn't fancy enough, they've also not registered at Tiffany.
· The Butterscotch Stallion ain't buying what the Dalai Lama's selling.
· Ananova thinks that Lindsay Lohan "needs a good pie or two." We think they're talking about food, but that may be some kind of drug lingo that hasn't yet crossed the pond.

Just a day after his publicists released a statement all but accusing a hotel clerk's face of angrily throwing itself at the phone Russell Crowe was patiently holding, the actor has completely reversed course and accepted the blame for the incident in an interview with Australia's Daily Telegraph:

In our continuing effort to keep you updated on all incremental, essentially meaningless updates in the ongoing saga of Dave Chappelle and his eponymous, indefinitely-delayed show, we note that the AP reports that Comedy Central's prodigal, $50 million son finally met with president Doug Herzog on Friday. Unsurprisingly, a spokesman for the network refused to disclose what was discussed at the "I'm Not Crazy And Would Like To Keep My Money, Please" summit, but allowed that Herzog and Chappelle are committed to reaching a resolution just as soon as the comedian feels ready, or whenever the supply of "South African chill-out herbs" that Chappelle brought as a peace offering was cashed, whichever happens first.

The official Brett Ratner X-Men Franchise DestructionWatch begins in earnest with this MTV.com interview, in which the director attempts to convince the public that he was the right choice to helm 'X3' by promising more laughs, speaking in the third person, and perhaps most reassuringly, demonstrating that any ego-dissociative disorders he's suffering from do not include delusions that he's actually Joe Schumacher:

Really, how hard could the transition from lazy days hand-feeding the llamas while lounging by the Elephant Man's bones to watching Monster Garage on the community TV with the Aryan Brotherhood possibly be? We guess it all depends on how quickly Jackson takes to repeated anal rape, but he seems like a quick study.

When Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston aren't tied up with various stages of the rehabilitation and criminal justice systems, they're expressing their profound love for one another by smearing Preparation H on their faces and dancing for hotel gift shop employees. And although the anonymously-sent clip of the upcoming Being Bobby Brown that landed in the WOW Report's mailbox smacks of viral buzz-building by some sneaky Bravo functionary, it's impossible to resist Whitney and Bobby doing what they do best—being five flavors of crazy in front of TV cameras.

Since we were highly disappointed to crawl out of bed and fail to find a new instance of Tom Cruise molesting Katie Holmes or tussling with a foreign reporter over Scientology, here's a morning round-up of Cruise-related tidbits:

For those of you who think that the entertainment industry's legendary "casting couch" is a relic from a bygone, if much sexier, era, today's Page Six reminds you that some things never change:

The guys at TVGasm think they've finally gotten to the bottom of the Lindsay Lohan Problem (though we should note there's a disclaimer hastily hung above this "fairy tale" to try and stop Lohan's lawyers from taking away their firstborn), citing a "source close" to the one-woman tabloid thrill-ride:

Yes, you might experience fleeting feelings of pity for the once-proud man who played Rambo and Rocky Balboa. But please, don't judge. What would you do if your last-ditch effort at a comeback on reality TV was canceled after one season, and your face, once the most famous in the world, was robbed of its ability to poignantly grimace by a variety of ill-advised cosmetic procedures?

These days, no matter how much coffee we drink, we can't seem to wake up without a morning update of the latest developments in the highly effective publicity partnership of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Their latest transgressions against a century of Hollywood public relations doctrine began at the MTV Movie Awards and ended at the Batman Begins junket, according to Page Six:

While actor Russell Crowe is out promoting Cinderella Man by waging a very public, bloody battle against poor customer service in hotels, producer Brian Grazer is taking a more peaceful tack, turning the spotlight on himself (he's selfless that way) and discussing the superproducing process that single-handedly generates Imagine Entertainment's hits with the LAT:

· The real-life "Turtle" ("Donkey," improbably) is still waiting for Marky Mark to make his life like the one he has on Entourage.
· "There's not much I can do at this point anymore. I feel like the more I kind of defend myself, then the more they say. I'm just such an easy target, I guess. I don't know why I'm so interesting." Hmmm...good point, Lindsay. Why are you so goddamned interesting? Oh, that's right—the peekaboo rack, the scary weight loss, and the disarming public moments of introspection.
· Sure, people were disappointed, but at least no one wound up with a telephone-inflicted head wound.
· "Klugman, Dr. Ruth and Randall's ghost"—Who are three people we're definitely not inviting to the celebrity orgy?
· Its vast reserves of Vaseline are well-known, but is Neverland Ranch sitting on black gold as well?

Are we entering a new era of publicist lockdowns? Today's Page Six describes how Angelina Jolie's lawyer warns journalists that they can't discuss her personal life or use their interview "in a manner that is disparaging, demeaning or derogatory to Ms. Jolie," and now Lindsay Lohan, out junketeering for Herbie: Fully Loaded has a list of banned topics that turns interviews into meta-discussions of her life. From Zap2it.com:

In a very special Monday afternoon edition of Hollywood PrivacyWatch, a reader salvages an otherwise routine meal at the Ivy with a pair of sightings (really, why else leave the house to eat?), starring two of the entertainment industry's most electrifying personalities:

Drudge has the official explanation of how a telephone wielded by actor/overzealous telecommunications enthusiast Russell Crowe came to (allegedly) strike a hotel employee in the face:

A very quick guide to movie promotion, courtesy of Russell Crowe:

Tom Cruise continued his Turn Off The World publicity tour (What exactly is he promoting again? We think it's a badly-written romantic comedy involving that chick from Dawson's) with an interview that aired on the Australian 60 Minutes this weekend. And once again, a foreign reporter (shades of his infamous Spiegel interview, with a little Access Hollywood thrown in) manages to work Cruise into a Hubbardy lather over Scientology, as the star charmingly compares the insinuation that his "church" is perceived by some to be part of the "lunatic fringe" to the burning of synagogues, then manages to work in a dig at his sworn enemy, the psychiatric profession:

Dave Chappelle's brief, Wednesday night "Hey, Look At How Not Crazy I Am" comedy tour also hit the Comedy Store on Sunset, where comedian Brody Stevens snapped some photographic evidence of Chappelle's Hollywood homecoming. Lurking off-camera was Bob Saget, who once mysteriously disappeared from the set of America's Funniest Home Videos in 1989 for ten minutes of "chill-out time," but returned well before Time had a chance to run a story on his whereabouts.

Last week, the world (yes, the entire world, from Sally Struther's starving African children to the troops in Iraq, a veritable rainbow of hopelessly smitten humanity) was relieved when a story about an impending divorce between Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey was quickly retracted. So we're confident that this radio interview, in which an ex-girlfriend of Bam "Jackass/Viva La Bam" Margera reveals that he and Johnny Knoxville both "F'd" Simpson, will bounce harmlessly off the happy, Teflon couple. Perez Hilton helpfully transcribes the interview: