OK, the announcements and the virginity talk were one thing, but the kissing in public? Now you're just waving this ridiculous charade in our faces like an impotent flasher's floppy junk. Excuse us while we figure out a way to press our naked eyeballs onto the burners on the electric stove.
· Looks like Fox is trying to disappear Life on a Stick during sweeps and let it fade away into cancellation. We hope they're ready for the incredible LOAS fan backlash that's sure to come.
· Escandalo Des Lesbianas heats up: "I grabbed Salma's ass just to keep things moving, because everyone was a little slow. And, of course, the energy changed when I did that." Sure, it's out of context, but this is the only way to adequately conjure the hot lesbian action we crave on a Friday afternoon.
· "Oh, no. I didn’t feel any respect. Zero respect." Goldenfiddle interviews Gulager!

Just like we told you days ago, naughtytalking Insider host Pat O'Brien trust-fell straight out of rehab and right into the burly, tough-lovin' arms of Oprah's in-house philosopher, Dr. Phil, just in time for sweeps:

In her review of Riding the Bus With My Sister, the NYT's Virginia Heffernan challenges us, however briefly, to jettison our preconceptions and generally be better people:

As part of our new all-Cruise format, we present this interview with Steven Spielberg and Tom Cruise to promote War of the Worlds in German magazine Spiegel, which took a startling turn away from the typical canned, junket-flavored fare when the reporter started asking surprisingly pointed questions about Cruise's involvement in the Church of L.Ron:

While searching for some unclaimed assets, Banterist started plugging in the names of various celebrities into the database, emerging with an impressive list of actors who have money laying around at talent agencies, insurance companies, and studios. Because were are bad, mean-spirited people, we will seemingly-at-random-but-you-know-what-we're-getting-at select a couple of the celebs and list them below:

In yet another installment of our continuing attempts to come to terms with the existential donkey-kick to the 'taint that is the unholy pairing of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, this headline was a brief rainbow in the endless publicist-inflicted gloom of the past two days. That is, until we read the (incredibly brief) story: "MISSION Impossible star Tom Cruise’s stunning new girlfriend says she is a virgin. Dawson's Creek star Katie Holmes, 26 has told pals she's saving herself for Mr Right."

· Is the website VoteForTheWorst.com responsible for the confounding, continuing success of Scott "The Big, Scary, Out of Tune Baby" Savol on American Idol? Who knows? We still like our pet theory: Most people who bother to vote on AI have incredibly shitty taste.
· Also, did you get a debilitating case of the retarded tingles when Paula Abdul nearly broke down when Constantine got sent home last night, just like we did? Someone really needs to get that woman some horse tranquilizers or she might not make it to the end.
· Sounds like a great idea, but we're probably going to end up skipping it.
· This Sploid shift memo is going to get someone on MSNBC fired, sued, killed, or disappeared, once Tom Cruise finds out about it.
· A dangerous combination of weight loss and lip-collagen injections has made Lindsay Lohan very, very paranoid.

Sometimes we think that we don't know how to turn you on anymore. Due to a nearly unprecedented lack of interest*, we're calling off the answers portion of the game. There were simply too few guesses to take advantage of the collective intelligence that challenges Ted Casablanca's best efforts to obscure his items in his special goulash of convoluted grammar and genitalia-related neologisms. Perhaps your boredom and/or frustration with this week's blind item is summed up by one reader's submission:

In our continuing attempts to come to terms with the purity-despoiling nightmare represented by the relationship of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, we start asking ourselves a rational question: Could we have seen it coming?

When we first encountered Rosie O'Donnell's blog, we were immediately concerned that the world isn't ready for this kind of unfiltered access to the celebrity collective consciousness. We didn't know the effing half of it, because we've just completed a quick stroll through Rosie's Flickr page, and now we've got the accompanying visuals to match the unleashed inner monologue of the blog ramblings. It's like Being John Malkovich made real, only, you know, with more sensible, looser-fitting clothes. How long until Rosie starts offering rides in her head to anyone with a K-mart credit card?

Wherein we invite our readers to pan for blind item gold in the auriferous streams of humpy E! gossip-prospector Ted Casablanca. This week's offering stars a semihetero hunk's horny, yet misguided, attempts at penis-vagina contact. Plunge down the mine shaft of One Four-Footed Blind Vice:

Overheard at a recent meeting of The First Publicity-Prop's Club: "When he takes out hees, how you say, e-meter? You jus say 'Ooo, eet's so beeeeg, Tom,' and then he'll jus go in the other room and play with eet."

According to a People magazine poll (typing those words just shook loose a blood vessel in our brain), the public has drooled its assent for the sexual conjoining of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie by voting them the Most Beautiful of all the 50 Most Totally Beautifulest Peoples In All The World. Jolie's already telling adorable stories about her lovah in the rag:

Defamer is committed to bringing together Hollywood's hottest stars and the anonymous Craigslist posters who issue claims of love and intimacy on "missed connections" message boards

That last, tiny, untainted piece of our Hollywood-singed hearts died when this press release from Extra, which seems to gleefully shit its pants with EXCLUSIVE exuberance, landed in our inbox moments ago:

Earlier, when we marveled at the the provocative poses struck by Michael Jackson in an old Colorfoms set and labeled the ones that seemed particularly egregious in light of his child molestation trial, we neglected to mention that we were working only from the sheet of Colorforms themselves, not the version with the card you see above. We did not intentionally ignore the highly charged phrase "Rub 'em here! Rub 'em there! Rub 'em EVERYWHERE! Ages 3 & Up." Thank you for your understanding in this matter, and to apologize for the confusion, we've added a big, white arrow to ensure that future readers are not victims of this oversight.

Just a quick note to fellow devotees of the stream-of-consciousness, semihaiku house of literary delights that is Rosie O'Donnell's blog: She's moved the site from its former home in the blogspot ghetto to the rapidly-gentrifying neighborhood of Rosie.com. Update your RSS feeds and bookmarks accordingly; you wouldn't want to miss posts like this one, which combine a mastery of internet technologies and a typically down-to-earth snubbing of Hollywood materialism:

In the light of the the ongoing molestation trial, how many once-innocent things now seem incredibly inappropriate in this set of Michael Jackson Rub N' Play Colorforms? (Click on the image to see a larger version.) Our answers are after the jump.

Don't get any crazy ideas now, this isn't a date. He's just gonna do their hair, maybe pitch in with the makeover a little. We hear he's a wizard with the seaweed wrap.

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