· Here's a Solomonic dilemma for you: If you buy a ticket to Ashton Kutcher's crappy movie this weekend (not Guess Who, the other one), he's going to model underwear; if you don't, he's likely to continue to say mindless shit in interviews to promote the movie. Which half of the baby do you want, the crying, snotty half, or the part that soils the diapers?
· We thought that the guy who spit in Jane Fonda's face at a book singing was engaging in some kind of misguided Vietnam protest, but as it turns out, he's just seen a rough cut of Monster in Law.
· We've got the feeling that this eBay item (or one like it) is going to come into play in the Michael Jackson trial at some point. [via BoingBoing]
· 4-20 Day revelers, you've been warned: Do NOT click on this link. Don't do it. Really. Not even a little. And if you do, a bag of Fritos will definitely not pop out of your monitor, as if by magic.

A reader suggested that there might be some kind of relationship between Tobey Maguire's rapidly-deteriorating physique and his participation in poker tournaments, submitting as evidence this photo from the in-progress WPT Championship, where Maguire is in 140th place. It should be easy enough for the folks at Sony to add a gambling component to its inevitable, billion-dollar-superhero-franchise-saving intervention, but if that doesn't work, maybe they could just push a StairMaster up to the table.

The only way to say it is to just say it...from Page Six:

· Will someone just please pick a new fucking James Bond already so we don't have to read yet another "Who will be the next Bond?" piece, especially one that cheekily evaluates the supposed candidacies of Bill Murray and Christopher Walken? [sound of self-inflicted gunshot]
· Leonardo DiCaprio may or may not have picked up a touch of the Tubbies from Tobey "The Corpulent Spider" Maguire, but this item features one of the cuter publicist denials we've read in a while.
· Hey, fat Haim!
· Ben Affleck: shepherding a new generation of actors into premature career immolation. [via dude.Man.phat.]

We present the latest in our continuing series of reports on the nutritional and/or dining habits of Hollywood's preternaturally gifted, moppet-flavor-of-the-minute, Dakota Fanning:

During promotion for the looming cinematic disaster that will be A Lot Like Love, Ashton Kutcher unburdens himself of the the tale of his half-assed, failed attempt to join the Mile High Club:

We're very, very disappointed that Natasha Lyonne failed to show up on time for a Monday court appearance, resulting in an arrest warrant and a flurry of news stories reminding us how she allegedly "banged on the door of her neighbor, stormed into the apartment and ripped a mirror from the wall," and then supposedly, poetically said, "I'm going to sexually molest your dog." We'd always assumed that if a situation arose where a second-tier American Pie kid was engaging in this sort of questionable, newsmaking behavior (with optional dog-diddling threats), it would involve Tara Reid, a Spider Club bathroom stall, and a baker's dozen of Red Bull and vodka cocktails.

Chris Tucker got popped in Georgia for running his Bentley at a breezy 109 mph, then refusing to pull over immediately when the cops displayed their displeasure with his velocity. Unfortunately, Tucker did only a half-hour of hard time before posting his own bail, long before Rush Hour buddy Brett Ratner could fly in and stage a pointlessly elaborate jail break from the sleepy McDuffie county pokey. Even so, tenacious fauxteur Ratner plans on traveling to the jail, enjoining the local force in a high-speed chase on some dusty Georgia back-roads, then
inducing a handful of squad cars to somersault through the air and needlessly explode.

· Andy Dick whips it out onstage, is ejected from a Canadian club. The funny part: It was a planned part of the act. (The whipping-out, not the throwing-out.)
· At this rate, there will be no remaining Hollywood marriages by the middle of September. Who could've imagined that Britney and K-Fed would become the new standard of marital stability?
· Everyone has his or her own way of dealing with the incredibly slow Pope-selection process.
· This blog is trying to preserve the dying art of giving cute names to common sitcom writing dilemmas.
· Casting for The Long Left Turn: The Jeff Gordon Story just got a whole lot easier.
· When Middle-Management Attacks: Lockhart Steele, Gawker Media's very own version of David Brent, muddles his way through his first day as guest Gawker co-editor in an orgy of self-linking, inside Krucoff baseball, and Spiers-baiting.

A picture of David Arquette and Courteney Cox Arquette posing for a friend's camera at baby Coco's christening landed in our inbox, say, a dozen times today, the payoff at the end of an endlessly forwarded e-mail seemingly originating from an interesting source. The internets will be lousy with the image* by the time we finish typing this sentence, but we're far more interested in the person who supposedly started the e-mail chain and the photo leak. Check out the breathless commentary from the e-mail forwards, then continue on after the jump to find out who's supposedly responsible for stimulating the internet's collective tingly parts:

Are we unhealthily, trulymadlydeeply obsessed with Rosie O'Donnell's blog? Yes, we are, and we're unashamed. How can there be shame in loving the poetic stylings of someone who can turn a mundane sneaker-shopping trip to the Sport Chalet in the Beverly Connection, Mall of the Dead-Eyed Damned (and the Occasional Souplantation Patron), into a story of loss, redemption, and generosity?

· If you've ever wondered why Princess Leia wears those buns, now we know it was to prevent her hair from getting caught on Darth Vader's codpiece.
· Actor Judge "Beverly Hills Cop" Reinhold enters the Academy's version of the witness protection program.
· Frequently bare-chested Amityville Horror star Ryan Reynolds thinks scaring people is easier than making them laugh. Harder still is making them laugh in parts where they're supposed to be scared, but he really pulls it off.
· If having a baby's made Gwyneth Paltrow lose her memory, maybe she can start jotting down notes on Apple's head with a Sharpie.
· A definitive and comprehensive list of African-American actors and characters appearing in films directed by Stanley Kubrick.
· Behold Kevin Federline, master ironist.

After a frantic fifteen minutes of trying to pry the "lens cap" from his digital camera, acclaimed director Brett Ratner proceeded to snap hundreds of pictures of a befuddled wire service photographer from scores of oddly-chosen angles. Satisfied that his vision had finally been captured, Ratner then attempted to devour the camera, explaining to concerned charity ball guests that this strange ritual has been part of his process since Red Dragon.

A hungry reader out hunting for reasonably-priced eats in Silver Lake spotted Dakota Fanning, everyone's favorite, eerily precocious child actor (at least since Haley Joel Osment foolishly allowed himself to enter puberty), taking dangerous chances with her health at an eastside eatery.

Along with Star's token attempt at public pulse-taking, Entertainment Weekly also weighs in with a marginally better poll to harvest prospective names for Baby Girl Spears-Federline. We like one of our readers' suggestion of "Taurine," but if we may be so bold, we offer up the cumbersome-yet-prescient "California Child Protective Services Case #67755-A4 " Brit and K-Fed can use that one without paying us a consulting fee, but only if we don't have to bring a gift to the baby shower.

We'd like to take a moment to note the triumphant return of Tabloid Lifetime Achievement Award recipient Andy Dick (and yes, we know it's premature as he still has a quite promising career ahead of him) to the gossip rags. According to Page Six, Dick went on a minor rampage during a drop-in at the Surreal Life house.

· Futuristic head-danish. Still chic after all these years.
· Tyra Banks loses her Top Model shit...now with video!
· If you view the infamous Star Wars line-up in this 360-degree panoramic shot, the geeks almost seem real. Almost. [via BoingBoing]
· Frankly, we're less than satisfied with any of the poll choices. Not a single Red Bull or Cheeto pun in the bunch. Tsk. (scroll to bottom of page) [via Gawker]

Your guesses are in! Put down that low-carb turkey wrap and enjoy the fruits of your collective sleuthing. But first, take a moment to check your work on One Nearly Public Blind Vice:

Wherein we invite our readers to knead the knotted word-muscles of humpy E! gossip masseur Ted Casablanca's weekly blind item. Today, Ted spins the tale of a Hollywood couple who've sought their jollies with people outside the bonds of their marriage, and done so with (highly vocal) aplomb. Creep on little cat feet across One Nearly Public Blind Vice:

· Not content to revel in Britney Spears' impending motherhood? Maybe you'd enjoy the baby talk more if these other celebrities got themselves knocked up.
· Orlando Bloom cries on Brad Pitt's shoulder, and a million mental guy-on-guy pornos are born.
· Director Todd Solondz doesn't appreciate being called a misanthrope. He's a sensitive type at heart.
· The Fug girls finally drive frequent fug punching bag Courtney Peldon to cutting.
· Not even house arrest can stop Martha Stewart from winning awards.