Yesterday, we speculated that Hilary Swank's joint production of Celebrity Charades with stay-at-home spouse Chad Lowe might be a stealthy attempt at feeding her husband-humilation jones. We fear we might be right, as Rush & Molloy reports on Swank's drive-by snubbing of Lowe and his celebrity pals:
Yesterday, we offered up the inaugural edition of what we hoped would become a running feature, the Fauxteur Fashion Minute, in which readers spot Hollywood's hottest, hackiest directors in the wild and hold forth on their sartorial sense. We joked that a Brett Ratner installment would be forthcoming, but were reduced to tears of joy when, mere minutes later, our prayers were answered.
It's nice to see that Hilary Swank is using the spoils of fame to keep perennially emasculated hubby Chad Lowe a productive member of society in between infrequent acting gigs. From Variety:
Following a not-at-all-near-death experience with an overzealous paparazzi at a Beverly Hills stoplight (the loud, scary noise that brakes emit when an automobile stops short was involved), Jennifer Lopez briefly got the writing bug:
· Coco Cox Arquette is plunged into baptismal waters; amazingly, she still stays crispy.
· Please, if we link to this story, don't e-mail us asking if it's true. OK? Here it is: Brad Pitt Establishes Angelina Jolie Rumors Hotline.
· The LAT makes sweet, sweet newspaper profile love to blogger/tech-goddess/alien being Xeni Jardin, whom we predict will one day disappear into the internet and become as ubiquitous to our web-browsing experience as Microsoft's paper clip is to office drones trying to format a business letter. We mean that in the best possible sense, of course.
· Today's top news headline probably written by a publicist: Cruz's New Roles Combine Beauty and Brains. (Mastery of English is optional, of course.)
· Ex-publicist: Jackson licked boy's head. We can't even bring ourselves to read this one.
This morning, we all heard about the local fourth-grader who scored an exclusive interview with Britney Spears for her school paper. Something was bugging us about this feel-good tibdit—how did this intrepid kid penetrate the defenses of Spears' hotel, then find the correct door under which to slip the interview request (assuming that the clever tyke didn't pose as a Red Bull delivery person and follow the Cheeto-crumb trail)? A Defamer operative reveals:
Wow, we'd heard rumors that Tobey Maguire had let himself go a little since shooting Spider-Man 2, but we say god-dayum. If anyone from Sony gets a look at this pic, we suspect Maguire will be conked over the head, thrown in the back of a white van, and wake up in a hospital set on the Culver City lot, where a feeding tube will help him lose those stubborn pounds. And if that doesn't work, maybe they should merely threaten to replace him with Jake Gyllenhaal again—that seemed to clear up his back problems last time.
Page Six brightens up our Monday morning with the heartwarming tale of 10-year-old Veronica You, who boldly marched up to Britney Spears' hotel and slipped an interview request under her door. [Ed.note—Don't worry about the noises you might have heard, Veronica. Sometimes, when a pop star and an unemployed background dancer love each other very, very much, they host a petting zoo in their hotel room.] And, much to the chagrin of more mainstream glossies like US Weekly or Star, the little go-getter scored an exclusive for the Hancock Park Elementary School's esteemed gossip rag:
· The Feh blog answers accusations that their infamous "Salma- Hayek-in-a-John-Kerry-mask- mopping-an-overflowed-toilet-at-Penelope-Cruz's house" photo is a fake with...a picture of Cruz brandishing a mop! Mopping is fun when you're doing it recreationally!
· Absolutely, positively do not click through and read this unless you're willing to have your mind blown by perhaps the scariest species of superfan on the planet, the Clay Aiken worshipper.
· Our favorite part of Ashlee Simpson's concert rider: the "ubiquitous deli platter with appropriate condiments." My God, Ash, how can you possible leave your condiment choices up to the discretion of the venue personnel? What if they've never heard of chipotle mayo? You're courting disaster!
· Not everyone thinks being humiliated by Ashton Kutcher's B-team is so much fun. Future Punk'd victims: If Kutcher isn't going to bother to show up himself to hug you in his big, strong arms and tell that you that everything's gonna be OK, don't sign the release form. [scroll down to "Punked by Proxy"]
· This is one of the most unintentionally hilarious headlines we've ever seen.
· What's next, Oscar the Grouch going on Paxil? Are Ernie and Bert going to stop bathing together? Will Snufalapagus stop staring deeply into our eyes and cease delivering subliminal messages telling us it's OK to hit the mailman with a frying pan because he's secretly reading The New Yorker short story before we get to it? We fear all is lost.
· Is it just us, or is Wilmer Valderrama wearing clown shoes? If those shoes are full, that might explain many, many previously troubling things about his dating history. Also: The Glorious Ladies of Fug make us laugh.
· Nick and Jessica's tabloid troubles, now in Mad-Lib form. Yay for marital strife!
· Red Sox fans have something new to complain about: After this weekend, when Fever Pitch is released, they'll never know if someone in a Sox cap is a fan of David Ortiz or Drew Barrymore.
When you're scanning news feeds for stories and come across a headline like "Michael Jackson Had Oral Sex with Boy, Guard Says," the savvy media consumer tells himself, "Oh, here they go sensationalizing the child molestation trial of that millionaire pop-star with the bleached, plastic face and the Fortress of Solitude full of chimps and llamas again!" And as the savvy media consumers that we fancy ourselves to be, we read on:
Your guesses are in! Take a quick soak in the refreshing bubbles of One Luxurious Blind Vice before moving on:
Wherein we invite our readers to don their trash-turbans and play a dish-decoding tune on their flutes, and attempt to tease the celebrity cobra out of the wicker basket of blind items offered by humpy E! gossip swami Ted Casablanca. This week, Ted's back to the material that's elevated him to gossip greatness, an avowedly straight actor up to some same-sex antics. Charm the snake of One Luxurious Blind Vice:
· Nicole Kidman is so greedy. What's wrong with the kids she has with Tom Cruise? The fact that Cruise could at any moment detonate the explosive implants the Scientologists installed in their heads if they ever leave the fold is no reason to make them feel like they're not enough for her.
· Sean Penn's so exhausted from shooting All the King's Men that he's going to take a couple of years off from Hollywood. During the hiatus, he'll lose entire days dreamily tracing the scar tissue where he carved Chris Rock's name on his stomach after the Oscars, wondering why everyone thinks he has no sense of humor.
· Fametracker mulls possible titles for Britney Spears' reality show on UPN. We have only one suggestion: Crabs.
· Say what now? Who?
·“I looked up ‘maverick’ in the etymological dictionary, and it basically was a kind of cattle that had been owned by somebody named Maverick that had not been branded. And so I believe the poetry of it is somebody that’s unbranded.” FilmStew talks to Crispin Glover.
Constantly sniffing sister site Gawker tipped us to this picture of Shannon Elizabeth featured in today's Page Six. Admittedly, we're not up on the latest Hollywood manicure techniques, but if you break a nail, don't you file all of them down? Curious. What could a recently-divorced starlet who's back out on the town possibly do with a couple of unclipped fingernails? We have no idea, but we'd bet that her vanguard fashion sense will make her the hit of the bathroom stall.
