The Governor, it seems, has lost the war:

Yet another sign that your inclusive spiritual inspiration society is losing its heat: A movie studio is willing to spend 100K to erase its vestiges from your movie. MSNBC's Jeanette Walls reports that test audiences were so turned off by Ashton Kutcher's red string Kabbalah bracelet that Sony digitally removed it from the final cut of Guess Who. While this anecdote is certainly amusing, it's revealed a crucial weakness in the evil eye force-field that the bracelet supposedly provides. It seems that the string's bad-mojo-deflecting properties are dissipated by film, so the next you have a negative thought about a celebrity Kabbalist, make sure you focus that energy on a photographic image of them—if you give them the evil eye in person, it will likely just bounce off and strike a nearby Christian or (actual) Jew.

This disturbing tip landed in our inbox a little while ago:

· Was Cameron Diaz attacked by a lion, a millipede, and some cicadas while filming her new MTV show Trippin'? This show's gonna be so totally awesome when she gets mauled by a tiger on-camera.
· The OC's Adam Brody's ex-girlfriend gets back at him in the pages of FHM. How will he ever recover from these put-downs? With fame, fortune, and sex with Rachel Bilson? Poor schlub, we hope he somehow pulls through.
· Ostrich Ink interviews the Glorious Ladies of Fugging.
· David Duchovy is blogging to promote his directorial debut, House of D. So far, it's not nearly as exciting as Michael Bay's fake blog, but we'll keep monitoring it for items of interest. [via LAist]

They are Hollywood's comedy cartel, the actors, writers, and producers that can walk into any studio in town and get a greenlight from a pitch with the simple formula "[Hot comedic actor] is a [wacky or offbeat occupation]" (examples: Will Ferrell as anchorman/NASCAR driver/beach volleyball player, Ben Stiller as dodgeball player/Starsky, etc). The implications are chilling: You'd better enjoy the goofy chemistry between Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn, find Stiller's constipated Everyman rage as hilarious as ever, or learn to love the sight of Ferrell slathered in cocoa butter, because that's all you're going to get for the next three to five years.

A couple of stories of note from the weekend, which were not nearly compelling enough to halt our three-day Easter egg hunt:

· What does Britney Spears need to do get our attention these days? Yup, you guessed it: Get a new pair of surgically-enhanced cans.* Crude and clichéd, but always effective.
· Awwww snap! Denise Richards got served! Excuse us for that, we don't know what got into us. Denise Richards got served, yo!
· How much would you pay to have lunch with Teri Hatcher? OK, now how much would you pay for a charity lunch with Teri Hatcher with absolutely no chance that the two of you would hit it off and engage in consensual sex?
· My Blog is Poop uncovers a number of celebrity fetishes; curiously absent from the list is any mention of splatting. We question the accuracy of the entire thing.
· Dynamic Homoerotic Duos, Part 1: starring Ice Man and Maverick.

Yesterday, sister site Gawker put on its reporter hat and placed a call to actor/director/infamous on-camera fellatio recipient Vincent Gallo to get to the bottom of the Brown Bunny stunt-cock controversy. Here's a taste of Gallo's 45-minute conversation, in which he again asserts the cinematic primacy of his own dong, holds forth on his recent move to LA, and floridly sullies the name of the supposed stunt-cock's mother:

Cut us some slack, OK? It's Good Friday, which if we remember properly from our 16 years of Catholic schooling, demands at least one cheap pedophilia joke. Besides, the original logo isn't much better.

Here's what we've learned in the days since Pat O'Brien's self-exile to rehab, which probably has nothing at all to do with the voicemails of the smooth operator eloquently seducing a female acquaintance: People who claim that they used to work with him are delighted that he's finally been served such a public comeuppance. Bask in Schadenfraude as a former colleague gleefully maligns O'Brien's golf game:

Now that Robert Blake has put the possibility of jail time behind him after being acquitted of his wife's slaying, is Hollywood willing to look the other way and allow him to practice his craft?

· An actor is alleging that he was Vincent Gallo's Brown Bunny stunt cock...and breaking his confidentiality agreement because he hasn't yet been paid for letting Chloe Sevigny blow him. Dude, in many Hollywood circles, you just got time-and-a-half.
· Moonlightin' Matt Haber at Low Culture: Sometimes the World Writes Its Own Satire.
· We're going to be upfront about this: We fucking love Project Greenlight. The movie they're making is going down, and going down hard. But the runners-up in the script competition, whom everyone involved with the show seemed to think did a better job than the writers they selected, have optioned their scripts to Ben Affleck and Wes Craven. Everybody wins! Also: Viva Gulager!
· RIP Morty Seinfeld, gentleman, father, and inventor of the beltless raincoat.

Your guesses are posted! Take off your shoes and your socks and tiptoe through the gossip-daisies of One Window-Fogged Blind Vice:

Wherein we invite our readers to grab their shovels and unearth the blind item artifacts that humpy E! gossip archaeologist Ted Casablanca has buried under mounds of prose-dirt. This week, a new wrinkle: Ted revisits an item from two weeks ago, which our resourceful readers can now attack with a renewed vigor and fresh perspective. Take another shot at One Window-Fogged Blind Vice:

Join us as we rub the sleep from our eyes, spread some garlic-herb cream cheese on a bagel, and spend our breakfast with updates about rehabbing Insider host/world champion sexy-talker Pat O'Brien. Here, O'Brien uses his silver tongue to charm a colleague:

· Pat O'Brien gets a roommate that even he might think twice about propositioning. [We really hope they're at the same place. What a party!]
· A South Carolina IMAX theater is refusing to show a movie (Volcanoes of the Deep Sea) because of a reference to the witchcraft of "evolution" it contains. To make sure their entertainment offerings are more palatable to their customers, the theater instead will be filled with two hours of a 100-foot projection of Jesus having his flesh torn off by a spiked whip.
· Yet another way you can nearly kill someone on the 405 while distracted by your cellphone.
· A modest proposal from the real OC: A horny couple is looking for a reasonably-priced, regular venue for their extramarital affair. Sandy Cohen would not approve.

The internet once again yields one of its ephemeral, ripped-from-the-headlines entertainments, as the I'm Stuck in Rehab With Pat O'Brien blog is born.

A couple of days after The Insider host/voicemail sexy-talker Pat O'Brien's fortuitously timed "trip to rehab," the gossip sheets have dug up some interesting, if violently stomach-turning, tidbits:

It's a little unusual to see The Agent Dance official mascot Ari Emanuel's face on two different posts in a single day, but word around the agent bloodcooler is that Angelina Jolie has signed with CAA. There is no truth to the rumor (which we just invented right now) that Jolie signed with William Morris for five minutes, dumped them in disgust over Dave Wirtschafter's failure to mention her in his New Yorker profile, then signed with the new agency.

We love a good dick joke as much as the next guy, but the folks over at E! Online must've soiled themselves after they recovered from the fainting spell induced by the overwhelming possibilities for pun and double-entendre that the David Spade SNL Penis Nose story provided. In addition to the "cocky" quip in the title, the writer also "slipped in" (obvious coitus reference ours) that the "producers decided to let it all hang out" for this "relatively ballsy move," and that "several sharp-eyed members" (thought you slipped that one past us?) on a SNL message board noticed the schnoz/schlong hybrid on Spade's face. Other synonyms from the Big Book of Dick Names in play: "member," "organ," "penile implant," and "appendage."