The NYT has some bad news for people wanting to do business with part-time movie star/full-time Scientology evangelist Tom Cruise: any deal you hope to make may include a "voluntary" tour of the Hubbard mothership or its satellites:
It looks like that 90-year-old Portuguese pool shark is going to have to take a raincheck for whooping acquitted murder suspect/cowboying enthusiast Robert Blake at nine-ball, because the actor seems busy floating theories about who might have killed his wife to Barbara Walters on Good Morning America this morning:
· "Glickman, a former congressman who took the job after Jack Valenti retired last year, calls piracy 'a potential dagger poised at the heart of the motion picture industry.'" It's so nice that some of Valenti's poetic soul is finally rubbing off on the Glickster.
· PoweR girl Lizzie Grubman gets busted planting a gossip item on Lindsay Lohan. Guess she's still getting the hang of being on camera all of the time. Good thing she didn't have a show when she was learning how drive her SUV in the Hamptons, eh? [second item]
· Michael Jackson's learning, albeit slowly. Sure, he showed up to court late and in tears from his "back pain," but at least his handlers got him out of his jammies this time.
· The Genies (the Canadian Oscars) are being held tonight, and forgive us for sounding like an ugly American for saying so, but doesn't the Genie statue look like something that Oscar would fuck in in the bathroom of the Abbey and never call again for being too clingy? We're just sayin'.
Who says we have to choose? Can't Michael Jackson be the kind of creepy clown that gives kids wine, calls it "Jesus Juice," then shows them some porn as a warm-up to an inappropriate sleepover in his bed? Leno, on the other hand, can be the kind of creepy clown who devotes his monologue to "such topics as electrocution and prison rape" and jests "about the possibility of Jackson attempting suicide." First, cultural critics and pointy-headed types like Elaine Showalter should stay off our turf. Secondly, when did Leno's monologue get funny? Eh, we're not going to lose any sleep over it. We're sure his prison rape and suicide jokes are hacky anyway.
Trade paper Broadcasting & Cable noticed that when David Spade played Owen Wilson in a SNL sketch (a celebrity roast of Clint Eastwood hosted by a humorless Sean Penn) in the March 12th episode of the show, he was outfitted with a finely-crafted prosthetic nose to add to the bit's verisimilitude. We can all breathe a sigh of relief that the make-up artist decided to render Wilson's nose as circumcised (though that vein is a little disturbing); an uncut proboscis would've been too much to bear, even in the name of comedy.
Apparently, Pat O'Brien is just like the rest of us and requires at least a bottle of Wild Turkey to get through an episode of The Insider, as the host has checked into rehab to battle an alcohol problem. O'Brien slipped a written statement announcing his dry vacation to the AP on Sunday and disappeared into the ether. Lest you worry that his absence will cripple the celebrity salad-tossing capabilities of the show, Lara Spencer, a woman we've never heard of, will fill in while O'Brien's away. In a word: Whew.
· Is Demi Moore pregnant? This AP story provides absolutely no new information or insights. Delicious!
· "Car mishap," "hit and run," "twitchy Idol judge sideswipe," call it whatever you want, but the cops might be coming for Paula Abdul.
· Matthew McConaughey's MTV diary: It's just like On The Road, but as written by a nude bongo-drum enthusiast. [via Goldenfiddle]
· The Spamalot hype has reached such a breaking point that we can hardly wait for them to open a half-assed version of it in LA starring Ted Danson and Jason Biggs.
· Was anyone else relieved when Mischa Barton got delesbianized on The OC last night? We were really tiring of those excruciatingly uncomfortable girl-on-girl kisses, which we feared might ruin HLA for us forever. Anyway, whew, that was a close one!
· We knew in our heart of hearts that if someone looked hard enough, they could find a Bible passage foretelling this Michael Jackson situation.
· Model falls down and goes boom, other models and hosts stand around and shriek. Go ahead and watch, you ghouls.
· Look at my striped shirt!
· Tara Reid finally takes her publicist out in public. This explains so much.
· A brilliantly back-handed compliment from "that other late night host" Craig Ferguson: "Jay will sell a joke that he knows is crap better than anyone I've ever seen."
· Do you think that Clay Aiken is thinking about Mario Vazquez? [right side of page, in the middle]
· You hate to say a dude looks like a celebrity baby kidnapper, but...
Thanks to everyone who played the guessing game. Only three of you failed to follow the new directions. You know who you are. And if you don't, when Andy Dick shows up on your doorstep wearing nothing but Redi-Whip pasties, then you'll get the idea. Double check that you filled in all of the bubbles for One Secret Suck-Face Blind Vice:
Tom Cruise has to be the most generous person to ever touch an e-meter, clear a body thetan, or lose his breath after reading the prose of Dianetics. Not content to share the wonders of Scientology with his crew on War of the Worlds (as interpreted through the fingertips of model-quality masseuses), Cruise just keeps on giving. This time, it's entertainment journalists that have experienced his Hubbardy largesse:
[Note: there are some different instructions this week. Make sure you read before e-mailing your guesses.] Wherein we invite our readers to try and fire the arrows of their guesses at the exposed ankle of humpy E! gossip warrior-demigod Ted Casablanca's weekly blind item, which he's rendered nearly invulnerable through a dip in the Styx of linguistic obscurity. Take a stab at One Secret Suck-Face Blind Vice:
Brittany Murphy is denying rumors that she's on the 24 Hour Colombian Miracle Diet, telling Jane magazine that she's as coke-free as a third-grade bake sale (well, one that's not in LA, at least):
· It's hard to believe that not a single person bid on a pair of Mary-Kate Olsen's panties on eBay. Surely no one had doubts about their authenticity, because there's even a nice story about how the seller obtained the item. Still, nary a nibble. What's the world coming to?
· Bollywood continues to lag behind Hollywood in casting couch technology.
· The scariest words we've read all day, but only because we fear Falco only received 90 percent of the infant: "Edie Falco has adopted a baby boy, her agent confirmed Wednesday"
· Pajama pants: the must-have court fashion of the season.
· A final MJ thought: Is the famous Jeff Koons sculpture rising or falling in value now?
Britney Spears just wants MJ to be happy, OK y'all? This whole child molestation trial thingy has probably got him kinda depressed, like when Details pussied up Britney's man and put him on the cover in some, like, clean clothes. Spears has just the thing to turn that surgically-installed frown upside down!
What's the only thing more homoerotic than the pseudo-macho banter from Top Gun? How about repeating that banter with a stranger while holding your penis?
