Bernie Madoff was "irresistible to women." Really? Yes, his secretary says! See Bernie: you were mean to your secretary and now she's telling Vanity Fair all about your happy ending(?) massages. Always happens.

Today in human frailty: an Oscar winner wooing a publicist, an actress screaming for coke, a TV personality who tried to kill herself, and a fading celeb who can't get invited to the cool parties:

Today in thinly-veiled takedowns of attractive people: an actor sexing a coke-buying teen, three reality show women whose golden days are over, and a superstar with a normal girlfriend (HEH).

He was once a national pariah, a fraud. Then James Frey scored a $1.5 million advance for his first novel, which sold briskly. Now Frey wants another mint, off the paperback, so he's targeting Oprah.

We hear OK! Magazine has laid off creative director Sean Bumgarner, #3 on its masthead. This follows a weekend full of shakeups. What is going on over there? Grasping desperately at shrinking market share, probably!

No one is attending this party tonight except everyone. Plus: John Mayer is single and Maggie Gyllenhaal isn't. And lots of people from the '90s are still totally relevant!

Sometimes people play their roles correctly. Today's blind items: a tween star who talks to other girls and is therefore a gay, a weed-smoking rapper(!) and a drunk diva actress and her crackhead friends:

Mel Gibson brought composer Oksana Grigorieva to the debut of the latest X-Men movie Tuesday night, effectively confirming he's been sleeping with the Russian composer and Timothy Dalton ex. (Larger picture after the jump.)

Longtime New York Observer editor Peter Kaplan is leaving the paper to, okay, "spend more time with the family," but why did he really quit? Perhaps...he'd had enough of rich young NYO owner Jared Kushner?

Julia Allison caught some flack for tweeting yesterday about Rosie O'Donnell's "knock-down drag out" fight with her wife Kelli, but O'Donnell probably didn't expect to keep the incident secret. She's neighbors with Allison, after all.

Apparently Peaches Geldof skipped town back to London without paying her utility bill. Her neighbor, who sent us this photo, writes:

Roger Friedman got laid off by FoxNews.com this month for watching a pirated movie. He's already back in the game. You can't keep him down, in any sense of the word! Let's check in:

It's Pulitzer day! Our first wild Pulitzer rumor: that the NYT won the 'Breaking News' category for its Eliot Spitzer scandal coverage (sexy!). Heard more Pulitzer rumors? Email us, or put them in the comments.

Esquire's ad revenue dropped 22% in the first quarter, which actually put it above average. But we hear that the magazine's staff, and its corporate overlords, are on edge. There was a meeting yesterday [UPDATED]...

Splash News snapped this sad picture of Mel Gibson on a beach in Costa Rica, contemplating his impending divorce and, no doubt, $480 million-ish divorce settlement. Also: Which musical Oksana he'll end up with.

Mel Gibson has his own $42 million ultra-traditionalist Catholic church near Malibu. And the "other women" behind his divorce? Well, the tabloids are still sifting through at least four ladies on three continents.

We don't know what happened after Julia Allison reportedly left a Chicago nightclub with Bears quarterback Jay Cutler. But we do know the fameball was "standing between his thighs, touching them" before she left.

Page Sixer Paula Froelich has a book coming out called Mercury in Retrograde ("chick lit"). The current cover, pictured, is rather serene. But the original cover, pictured below, was more DYNAMIC:

Liz Smith reports:

One might assume that months of teary, yelling, storming-out fights between Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson sated readers' appetites for details of the couple's drama. But it just made everyone hungrier for the big breakup.

Why do you not publicly address last weekend's rumored pizza-related fistfight, Jimmy Fallon? What are you hiding? The smirking TV host has conveniently skirted the issue so far. But we have sources everywhere!