Are you a leper? It may be because of the nine-banded armadillo, and not because you are a sinful blasphemer, as previously believed: Based on new evidence, scientists think that the armadillo carries and can spread leprosy to human populations. DNA tests have matched the leprosy strains of some U.S. patients with those of armadillos—among the only animals that carry the bacteria—and though the majority of cases in the U.S. are contracted in countries with higher instances of the disease, these tests indicate that some American patients contracted leprosy through armadillo exposure. Now: It's unlikely the diseases is transmitted through armadillo-human sex—though it's gross your mind went there immediately—as leprosy isn't sexually transmitted between humans, but Dr. Warwick Britton of the University of Sydney in Australia says that he "would not cuddle armadillos," which strikes us as both an admirable personal confession on the part of Dr. Britton, as well as advice we should all consider following. [AP]

Super computers! Narcissistic kids! Harvard scandals! Floating ants! Big lasers! Lying Superman! Magic batteries! Anti-helium! And sexxxy peacock pimping secrets! It's your Tuesday Science Watch, where we watch science—bitingly!

According to the CDC, close to a quarter of strains of gonorrhea in America were resistant to penicillin and other commonly used antibiotics in 2009. In 2010, some strains were also resistant to all drugs doctors have to treat the clap. Will a great clap plague kill us all? Here's the New York Daily News' summary of the "catastrophic" possibilities:

If you're a Botox user you're basically a zombie who's devoid of all emotion, according to new research. Talking to someone who uses Botox is sometimes tough, especially when you try to get a read on their expressions but can't get over the permanent look of shock on their face. But, in a bizarre twist, it goes both ways: The results of a study published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science have found that Botox patients can't understand your expressions, either.

Pediatric socialists! E-cigarette regulation! Prostate testosterone! Antidepressant painkillers! Obese teens! Prescription take-backs! Young strokes! Natural allergies! And amazing acupuncture in Afghanistan! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with no regulation whatsoever!

Last year, the best-selling magazine in America was Sandra Bullock's "Meet My Baby" issue of People. Second-best? Woman's World's "Dr. Oz's Metabolism Makeover!" issue, which features an image of Dr. Oz on its cover—right next to a picture of a pie (top left).

We already know that nearly everyone with a desk job is going to get bowel cancer, thanks to new research. And sugar will give you cancer, as long as you manage to survive the heart attack that precedes it. But now, thanks to even newer research, we learn that even if you think you're getting enough exercise, you probably aren't and are going to die because you spend way too much time sitting on the couch, eating shitty food and watching shittier television.

Enjoy your unfettered right to spread emphysema to your fellow bar patrons while you can, America: a new CDC report *estimates* that by 2020, every state in our hazy union will have a New York-style law banning indoor smoking. Fuckers.

Cookie monsters! Fewer french fries! Cancer exercise! Lo-carb crapola! Dumb dieters! Daniel Baldwin's workout! Grip strength! Dip belts! Inspirational marathoners! And a NYSC dance instructor must be rehired at once! It's your Thursday Fitness Watch, where we watch fitness—feverishly!

Oh, condoms. They're the bane of a horny man's existence, and can sometimes make it hard to keep a raging boner going. They're also pretty necessary. But regulators in Europe are said to be close to approving the very sexy-sounding CSD500 — basically a condom dipped in boner gel Zanifil®, thereby producing some fun results:

If it weren't for "new research," we would have no clue what we're supposed to be dying of on any given day. But, thankfully, new research from the University of Western Australia proves that working a desk job for over a decade makes you 94 percent more likely to develop a "tumour in the area of the lower bowel called the distal colon." That doesn't sound nice.

Cursing, as everyone knows, is awesome. But it's more than that! It's also, according to a new study, a painkiller.

You're not handling this well, America.

Remember a couple of months ago when an outbreak of Legionnaire's disease (Legionellosis) sickened over a hundred guests at the Playboy Mansion? L.A. County public health officials have traced the sometimes deadly disease to a "whirlpool spa," according to The Los Angeles Times. Makes sense, because Legionnaire's is "transmitted from contaminated aerosols generated in hot tubs if the disinfection and maintenance program is not done rigorously." Gross.

As you know, everything you eat is bad for you, unless you are eating leafy green vegetables. But, we learn this weekend from The New York Times Magazine's Gary Taubes, sugar is extra-bad for you. Like, cigarettes-level bad for you.

Moms: have you "picked a date" to sit down with your eight year-old daughter and discuss menstruation? What are you waiting for? "A study published in Pediatrics last year found that in the United States, 15 percent of American girls begin puberty by age 7." The Kotex corporation "has you covered," ha. Andrew Adam Newman reports:

Boner pills! Cellphone cancer! Hospital infections! Leukemia drugs! Stillborn babies! Diet memory! Bipolar celebrities! Stank medications! And sexxxy news from 'neath the robes of Catholic womendom! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—against god's wishes!

After weathering husband Michael Douglas' battle with cancer, Catherine Zeta-Jones has checked into a mental hospital to treat her bipolar disorder. Says her publicist:

Dirty gas! Judge timing! Lying doctors! Space dust! Courage secret! Alcohol brain! Old viruses! Young puberty! And big wrists that kill! It's your Tuesday Science Watch, where we watch science—with petite bone structure, thank you!

Researchers from the University of Minnesota have discovered that parents with active young children tend to neglect their own health and are therefore generally fatter than their childless peers. Ah, the perils of parenting! The results of the study were published today in Pediatrics, and in addition to other stats, researchers found that mothers with children under 5 years old on average consume 368 more calories per day than women who don't have kids. According to the AP, "With that many calories, women that age would need to be active to avoid gaining weight, walking more than 3 miles daily at a moderate pace."