idiots

Millennials Too Cool for Gap but Love Walmart

Hamilton Nolan · 06/16/15 09:06AM

Boring person clothing store THE GAP, faced with falling sales, has announced that it will close 175 stores across America in a sad attempt to feel less unpopular. Who is responsible? Yes, it’s the dreaded millennials.

Who Is Dumber, Democrats or Republicans? 

Hamilton Nolan · 03/31/15 03:23PM

Here in the liberal media, we all like to joke, in our little liberal elite cabal, about how dumb Republicans are. And Republicans sure are dumb! But are they dumber than Democrats?

Jackass President Damn Near Busts His Ass

Hamilton Nolan · 03/30/15 02:16PM

Commander-in-"Whoops!" Barack Obama nearly tumbled down a whole god damn set of airplane stairs today after seemingly failing to master a skill that even toddlers have grasped—putting one foot in front of the other.

Life's Nothing More Than a Dumb Kangaroo With a Watering Can on Its Head

Andy Cush · 03/24/15 02:43PM

In this life, you flail blindly, pummeling your way from one day to the next through alternating periods of heroic effort and helpless inertia, unwilling or unable to behold the world beyond the lonely confines of your own ego. In this way, you resemble an idiot kangaroo with a watering can stuck on its head.

Texas Rep. Asks Muslims to Swear They're Real, Anti-Terrorist Americans

Jay Hathaway · 01/29/15 05:30PM

Hooray, it's Texas Muslim Capitol Day! It's that one special day of the year when Muslim residents of Texas come to Austin to learn about political activism, have civil discussions with their representatives about issues that are important to them, hear a small group of angry protesters shout "Go home!" and "Jesus is the lord!" at them, and have a legislator demand that they swear a loyalty oath to prove they're real Americans. Oh boy!

This Gambian Coup Failed Because the Plotters Were Dumbasses

Sam Biddle · 01/14/15 02:15PM

If you're going to attempt the violent overthrow of a foreign government, it is crucial you don't completely fuck it up. Unfortunately, that's what two American dunces, Cherno Njie of Texas and Papa Faal of Minnesota, did.

Confused Woman Has a Really Rough Day at the Gas Station

Jay Hathaway · 12/31/14 10:20AM

It always sucks to pull your car into a gas station with the cap side accidentally facing away from the pump, but everyone's done it, and it's not hard to sympathize. Three times, though? How does that even happen?

Drunken Idiot Tries to Pedal Bike Mounted on Storefront

Jay Hathaway · 12/30/14 02:35PM

At the urging of a "friend," this presumably inebriated definitely idiot attempted to scale the half-bicycle mounted 12 feet up—for decorative purposes only, it should be emphasized—on the façade of RV&E Bikes in Canandaigua, New York. You already know what happened next.

Florida College President Is Either a Thug or a Moron

Hamilton Nolan · 11/13/14 09:48AM

The president of a Florida college that serves more than ten thousand students says he does not believe that his own students should be entitled to report on things that happen at their own school. Why is this man in the field of education?