Jordan Catalono of Thirty Seconds to Mars had an IM interview with AOL Music yesterday; when pressed about what it was like to work with Lindsay Lohan in Chapter 27, it prompted a confession of sorts:
· In an instant message interview with AOL Music today, Jared Leto announced to the world he's as "gay as a goose." He wisely waited until his fatty period was over, avoiding an embarrassing rejection by his new adoptive people.
· In further goose news, if you haven't seen this moment from last night's American Idol finale, in which one of their creepiest early rejects gets the panty-pooping shock of his life when Clay Aiken (who appears to have found a new best friend in Garnier Nutrisse) joins him on stage, well...you must. You simply must. And while we're at it, here's Kevin Covais, who's probably getting more puthy than you ever thought potthible, warbling through a Bacharach classic.
· And in even further goose news, we proudly present the following comic book movie headlines: "Superman' Director Bryan Singer Relates To Outcast Hero," and "The 'X-Men' come out."
· Our grandmother is a sexier, more coordinated dancer than Paris Hilton. Oh, and there's a nipple slip in there, which would really thrill and titillate us if we hadn't already been introduced to her clitoris on multiple occasions.
The Smoking Gun reprints the production riders for several celebrity rock bands, detailing their (frankly boring) backstage catering needs: Everything from His Royal Whoaness Keanu Reeves' very wholesome Dogstar demands ("1 large pot of hot soup (vegetable or chicken)"), Jared Leto's fat-making tricks of the trade ("Take-out food for ten (10) people...Taco Bell, pizza are fine."), and manorexia survivor Dennis Quaid's calorie-deficient suggestions for his band The Sharks ("Assorted Herbal Teas...Hot Water..."). We were shocked, however, to read that the Steven Seagal Band rider requested "36 cans of Red Bull." If Seagal can't force his own band to enjoy the peppy refreshment of Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt, how can he expect any of us to become loyal customers of his own branded energy beverage?
Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers. Send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you overheard Winona Ryder confide in a Barneys salesperson about her addiction to doing laundry.
Since Melissa Lafsky "came out" as the woman behind popular lawyer-life blog Opinionistas, we've had a few of her former classmates from Dartmouth contact us. It seems that during their undergraduate days, the big rumor on campus was that Lafsky's step-brother was Jared Leto. Being huge fans of 30 Seconds to Mars, we contacted Lafsky for clarification. With a requisite eye-roll, she writes:
• Judging from her Golden Globes appearance, actress Hilary Swank is not taking her impending divorce from Chad Lowe all that well. [Go Fug Yourself]
• Before you sacrifice your soul and take that i-banking job, know your banks and the types of assholes they employ. [Brooklyn to Harlem • Jared Leto takes his craft so damn seriously, he'll eat 2847145 Twinkies if need be. [Popsugar]
• Apparently Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's sonogram made its way to eBay; the site has since removed the auction seeing as, well, even we think that shit is mildly sick. [CourtTV]
• Bucky Turco of Animal has managed to find himself in our local tabloids oh, like, 600 times now. But if they can't spell your name right, it just doesn't count. [NYDN]
• Admit it: You're totally staying in tonight to watch Skating With Celebrities. It's like Dancing With the Stars meets The Cutting Edge, and you dare to pretend that this doesn't matter? Uh, TOEPICK, bitches! [Slate]
When we originally noted that Jared Leto would be playing Mark David Chapman opposite Lindsay Lohan in the upcoming Chapter 27, we figured the chunky Catcher in the Rye-obsessed John Lennon murderer would simply be rewritten as an irresistibly dreamy-eyed, aspiring rock star. But as evidenced in the above set photographs, Leto has clearly taken a cue from George Clooney's bloated and bearded Syriana performance and subsequent Golden Globe win, and has decided to gorge away his gorgeousness into his latest incarnation: Chubby, Oscar-shot Leto. It's admirable that Leto feels his new found flab could add up to industry credibility, though someone should really point out to him that blank-faced, stilted line readings really don't seem any less blank-faced or stilted when delivered from under 30 additional pounds of blubber.
It was to be the next great Hollywood romantic pairing our generation's Burton and Taylor, their tempestuous, larger-than-life passion bubbling over into unforgettable on-screen performances in historical epics. They were supposed to get married to each other possibly more than once! No more: fire-eyed demon of temptation, thy name is Hard Rock Hotel & Casino.
Friday
· Recent Weather Channel addition Lewis Black ("Why are hurricanes so STUPID!") brings his trademark angry man comedy and accompanying agitated gesticulations to the Wiltern.
· Friday Night Music: The Dandy Warhols at the Avalon, Shout Out Louds and the Sun at the Troubadour, and, of course, Old 97s at the El Rey.
· Because movie screenings are always more enjoyable with celebrity involvement, Alec Baldwin introduces Gus Van Sant's Elephant at the Skirball Center.
Saturday
· As part of their ongoing series, New And Creative Ways To Make Use Of Space Wasted On The Dead, the Hollywood Forever Cemetery is hosting a round of "Tombstone Hold 'Em," which we're not even going to attempt to explain in this space.
· Saturday Night Music: The Prix play the Echo, and Dios Malos are at the El Rey.
· Mayday films hosts a competition of 15 short films, all made in 24 hours and all titled Yellow Hammer, giving the filmmakers two things to blame if their movie doesn't meet box office expectations.
Sunday
· It's like celebrity band Christmas! Juliette & the Licks are at the Troubadour, while the future Mr. Lindsay Lohan (Jared Leto) appears with his fancily-websited band 30 Seconds to Mars at the Sunset Virgin Megastore.
· Press photographer James Nachtwey reflects on what it means to be a press photographer at On Being a Press Photographer at the Getty Center.
Confident that she's honed her acting chops sharper than a coke-flecked razor blade on the whetstone of Herbie: Fully Loaded and fifteen minutes on the set of Robert Altman's A Prairie Home Companion, Lindsay Lohan accepts her greatest challenge yet: trying to remember her lines while staring into Jared Leto's pretty, vacant eyes. According to today's Variety, Lohan has signed on to star opposite rumored real-life hump-buddy Leto in Chapter 27, a film about the murder of John Lennon. Leto will channel Lennon assassin Mark David Chapman, while Lohan plays a Lennon fan who gets friendly with Chapman right before he kills the pop icon. The pairing should make for some fascinating conversation on the shoot, with Leto reclining in his trailer, idly strumming a guitar, and musing, "Like, I'm a musician? So I totally understand what it's like to have all these people love you, and, like, have one jealous dude who wants to kill you? I can connect with that. So, like, I'm coming at this from both sides. It's a total mindfuck." To which Lohan will coo, "Totally, baby. Um, also, you're laying on my hair?"
• Lindsay Lohan is about to officially announce her relationship with Jared Leto, which we suspect will be consummated with a paparazzi-fuelled car crash. Let's just hope sensitive Jordan Catalano can handle the sting of an airbag. [Gatecrasher (2nd item)]
• The delay in Katie Holmes's wedding to Tom Cruise is reportedly over pre-nup negotiations. Holmes's father is representing her and reportedly playing "hardball," meaning that when this tragic union finally ends, Holmes might walk with the cash but not the Xenu. [Scoop]
• Stavros Niarchos — former flame of Mary-Kate Olsen and current fuckpet of Paris Hilton — gives a homeless man $100 to dump a soda on himself. So classy, so sensitive — no wonder Paris enjoys his company. [Page Six]
• Rapper Ice-T suggests confronting bitchy Apprentice cast-off Omarosa with a gun. Meanwhile, NYPD begins filing reports in anticipation. [Lowdown]
• Hotelier (and accessory to Uma Thurman) Andre Balazs is rumored to be selling the Chateau Marmont for $45 million. Thankfully, a low bid from Soho House was denied — we'd hate for our members-only clubs to divert their attention from us for even one second. [Page Six]
How ungrateful can one man be? While Scarlett Johansson risks her burgeoning career just to be seen with sad Jared Leto, the man best known as Jordan Catalano is too busy checking his text messages to realize his own fucking luck. Classic breakup to quickly ensue.
Sorry Scarlett, He's Just Not Into You [Star]
