Whether or not Gil Cates is able to pull any tricks from his rumpled sleeves to make this year's Oscar ceremony watchable, there'll be at least one event next weekend guaranteed to get the town buzzing. Us Weekly is reporting that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt will be attending a pre-Oscar bash that sworn enemy Jennifer Aniston has also RSVP'd to. You know what this means, people. We're talking catfights, Hills-like confrontations and revenge tattoos galore. At least that's what we're hoping for.

• Britney Spears asked California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, through like 10 intermediaries, why he couldn't free her from the mental hospital like he did with Sarah Connor in the second "Terminator" movie, all because Maria Shriver was accidentally nice to her in the lobby of the Beverly Hills Hotel and now Britney thinks they're all friends. [Gatecrasher]

• Britney Spears is in a padded room, deemed by a court-appointed lawyer too crazy to understand her own case, but the judge wants to check with a doctor to be extra sure she's mentally unfit because apparently he doesn't have access to television, print media, the Internet, radio or anyone who has consumed any news whatsoever at any point in the past two years.

That was quick! Aniston's flack is quashing the baby banter. "She is not pregnant," says she. Spies also tell the tab that Jen has been spotted drinking martinis and getting her hair dyed, both no-gos for the gravid. Another update since the last post: Brad and Angelina had ten more kids and a water horse. [Us Weekly]

The One Where Jennifer Aniston Might Be Pregnant is on the cover of the National Enquirer this week: Jen, whom you might remember as having had a little headline-hogging romance with a certain hunky actor (Tate Donovan) a few years back, has, in the past, been speculated to have put a baby on the backburner (not literally) so as to pursue a film career. Box office returns suggest that she might now try reproducing instead. [Enquirer]

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often! Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you spotted KISS's Paul Stanley kvelling at his son's rock recital.

Once again proving that she has absolutely no flair for the kind of sensationalist buzz-building that might generate some interest in her returning FX series Dirt, Courteney Cox Arquette misses a great opportunity to hint—however untruthfully—that Jennifer Aniston will return in the show's second season to alleviate the viewer blueballs induced by the disappointing kiss the two former Friends shared, finally consummating the hot, Monica-on-Rachel action we still so desperately crave. (But Tom Arnold will be making an appearance. Get excited!) On the other hand, she still won't close the door on a possible Friends reunion, so maybe that inevitable project (hey, Matt LeBlanc's gotta eat) will eventually provide a better opportunity for the fulfillment of this lingering fantasy. [Us]

• Boy George was ordered to stand trial on charges that he handcuffed a Norwegian man to a bed and "threatened him with sex toys," and no one can resist that joke. [NYDN]
  

We almost lost her to Chicago. Now Jennifer Aniston is threatening us with a move to New York: "I can actually visualize it again, for some reason. I don't know, I'm just tired of Los Angeles. In New York, you're not just in that same car, looking at that same dashboard, driving down the same street...If you can get away from the paparazzi and they don't know where you are, you can actually walk, walk, walk." We got $5 in the office pool saying she's not going anywhere. [UsWeekly]

What celebs move the most magazines? "We looked at the newsstand sales of the six leading celebrity weeklies—People, Star, US Weekly, In Touch Weekly, Life & Style and OK!—over a six-month period ending June 30, as supplied by the Audit Bureau of Circulations. We eliminated all non-celebrity and collage covers as well as special issues with exceptionally large rate bases. Then we counted how many more—or less—issues the celebrity's cover sold, as compared with the magazine's average newsstand sales." Your top three, in order: Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt, and Scarlett Johansson. The big loser? Britney Spears. [Forbes]

Today's Page Six wonders: "WHICH Hollywood trio of friends is in trouble? One is on crack, one's on smack, and the other cheats so much on his wife that he single-handedly is supporting several hookers..." We've narrowed it down to a few possible candidates; your input is, of course, mandatory.

· Now here's a classy problem: So many movies are making so much money that studios are having a hard time holding onto screens for their weeks-old, but still popular, product, as the flood of new releases suck up precious space at the multiplex. [Variety]
· Producers Alan Ladd Jr. and Jay Kanter win $3.2 million in damages from Warner Bros., which a jury determined screwed them out of millions in Blade Runner, Police Academy, and Chariots of Fire profits through those cute creative accounting practices studios love so much. [THR]
· Not that we don't like Steve Zahn, but it can't be a great sign for Jennifer Aniston's movie career if he's the biggest name they could get to star alongside her in a romantic comedy. (On second thought, feel free to swap their names and muse that Zahn should fire his agent.) [Variety]
· Katherine Heigl starts a production company with her mother. Adorable! (OK, she's her momager, but still. Cute!) [THR]
· Good news, karaoke fans: Fox has decided to keep Don't Forget The Lyrics on in the Fall, as part of a scheduling strategy they hope helps reverse their recent trend of throwing up their hands in defeat until American Idol saves them in January. [Variety]

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and tell everyone about the time Maya Rudolph's yakking ruined an outdoor screening of her boyfriend's porn-industry masterpiece.

Isolated by immense fame and doomed to romantic lives in which the intimacy of every promising first date is ruined by the swarms of paparazzi hoping to take photographs of their fleetingly revealed genitalia as they linger over dessert, Hollywood's hottest actresses stand little, if any, chance of finding true love in the "self-absorbed" show business world, an infernal, Alighierian circle of perpetual loneliness.

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and tell everyone about the night Mr. Belding tore up "Don't Stop Believin'" in front of a packed Metal Skool crowd.

• Sean P. Diddy Puffy Diddy Combs' babymama beard, Kim Porter, has moved out. One wonders what the last straw was. [Page Six]
  

You're shocked, right? Behold, the magic of tabloid weekly Photoshop!

According to an item in today's Page Six, there is at least one place in town where celebrities and industry power players can enjoy a refreshing cocktail without being surveilled by media spies, an old-school establishment that deals harshly with the interlopers who might text news of their whereabouts directly into the evil mainframes of the Tabloid-Industrial Complex. This is a tale of Aniston, protected:

Page Six refers to Jennifer Aniston's boyfriend, model Paul Sculfor, as "Paul Colford"—who is director of media relations for the Associated Press, and who used to write for the Daily News. [Page Six]

• Christina Aguilera might be enceinte! Her theoretical zygote can have playdates with Nicole Richie's maybe-fetus! [Page Six]