• Hip-Hop mogul Damon Dash keeps the area around 89th Street and Central Park West safe for his son, whose cell phone was stolen by local "thugs." Next up, Dash will work on eliminating gang activity outside Dylan's Candy Store. [Page Six]
• Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt settle the details of their divorce: He gets the production company, she gets the house and the bloated alcoholic. [IMDb]
• Model Molly Simms is reportedly unhappy with her picture in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. As it turns out, most women don't enjoy looking like Vegas hookers. [Gatecrasher]
• Rapper Eve falls for Teodorin Nguema Obiang, the son of Equitorial Guinea dictator Teodoro Nguema. Spending Christmas on Paul Allen's yacht, however, makes it easy for to Eve to forget that whole torture situation. [R&M]
• Because he knows how to read, Henry Rollins is a threat to Australian national security. [Page Six]
• Chelsea Clinton lays low with her new boyfriend, Goldman Sachs banker Marc Mezvinsky. Not that we were particularly intrigued by the whole situation. [Lowdown]

• Bad news: this year's Fashion Week must go on sans fancy Kohler toilets. The usual crappers have been replaced with mere Porta Potties, which flooded at Kimora Lee Simmons and John Varvatos' shows. Presumably the plastic crappers couldn't withstand the force of mass purging. [Gatecrasher]
• What did Aniston know and when did she know it? The debate rages on as to when Jennifer Aniston was informed of her ex-husband Brad Pitt's procreation with Angelina Jolie; the latest rumor is that she got just one day's notice, via Pitt's publicist. You didn't expect him to tell her without his mouthpiece, did you? [Page Six]
• Of course Catherine Zeta-Jones' gay rugby movie has Alan Cumming attached. It can't exist any other way! [R&M (last item)]
• Good Morning America executive producer Ben Sherwood is rumored to be facing a forced exit, presumably because he couldn't handle being less pretty than Diane Sawyer. [Lowdown]
• Life after losing on the Apprentice involves little more than returning dirty clothes to angry saleswomen. [Page Six]

At this point on a Friday afternoon, we're willing to turn off the bullshit detector for a moment and wallow around in some street-quality British tabloid dirt. Stop, drop, and roll, sickies:

The celebrity press frequently misreports Angelina Jolie's stomach tattoo as reading Quod me nutrit me destruit, Latin for "What nourishes me also destroys me." Through the magic of Defamer photo-enhancement technology, we can now reveal the actual text of the ink (shown above), representing Angelina Jolie's latest attempt to completely crush Jennifer Aniston. Jolie is also planning another visit to her tattoo artist, who will etch, "And if it's a boy, we're still calling it Jen, bitch!" on the other side of her belly.

The Sundance Festival officially began last night; not, as many of you may have guessed, the moment Mark's toe first touched the slushy sidewalks of Park City, but with the premiere of Nicole Holofcener's Friends With Money. But when the jittery Lovely & Amazing writer/director took the podium to introduce her film, she almost forgot to mention her four big-name lead actresses, Jennifer Aniston being among them:

Lost in the excitement of yesterday afternoon's news that the flesh-and-blood union of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's exquisite genetics has a pretty good shot at aesthetic perfection was Jennifer Aniston's reaction to the news that her ex-husband had knocked up the woman who stole her husband with the promise of a welcoming womb. Aniston's flack labeled an earlier report that Pitt called to give her the heads-up about the baby "made-up lies," and the headline above makes us believe that there was a total breakdown in Aniston's emergency Jolie pregnancy warning system. The complex relay of pager alerts, e-mail blasts, and air-raid sirens intended to give the starlet enough lead time to stage a showy public display of affection with current publicity partner Vince Vaughn malfunctioned, denying her the chance to seem too lustfully consumed with her romance to bother to have a nervous breakdown about the surpisingly rapid impregnation of her rival.

Determined to remind us all that it is the once and future king of celebrity shitstorms, People magazine has announced that Angelina Jolie has been inseminated with the insensitive seed of Brad Pitt, as confirmed by unnamed reps of both stars. Because she is nothing if not a shiv-toting earth mother, Jolie first told the news to a charity aid worker in the Dominican Republic. See? Now you can't hate her.

In a recent round of publicity interviews for Rob Reiner's latest cinematic reminder that the days of Spinal Tap and The Princess Bride are long over, Rumor Has It, Jennifer Aniston was paired with co-star Shirley MacLaine, who felt the need to protect the younger actress from the prying questions of reporters who had the audacity to broach the subject of her much-rumored-about personal life. But then wacky Auntie Shirley had to take the bodyguard act a smidge too far:

Admittedly, it's a tough sell, but paparazzi Peter Brandt, who offered topless photos of Jennifer Aniston to some magazines (which were immediately served with legal papers to stop their potential publication), acquits himself well with his high degree of difficulty, "So there I was, just minding my own business 300 yards away from Jennifer Aniston's tragically unobscured Hollywood Hills house, when she comes outside and thrusts her bare tits in front of my traffic-cone sized telephoto lens! Whatareyagonnado?" defense to ABC News:

• It's the next, inevitable step in his path to righteousness: Blackface Jesus has a MySpace page. [MySpace]
• Virgin's Sir Richard Branson aims to make a television, internet and telephone empire, ultimately to take on Rupert Murdoch. Can a white knight topple the evil Aussie darklord? [Telegraph]
• The new face of fear looks like an email from Lexi Lehman. [The Three-Toed Sloth]
• We don't care WHAT you see on the cover of GQ; Jennifer Aniston's breasts are not for public consumption. [TSG]
• Mapping your failure on the Table of Contents. [Encyclopedia Hanasania]

The Smoking Gun has obtained a letter sent to a number of publications from Jennifer Aniston's lawyers, with a subject line: "Jennifer Aniston/Invasion of Privacy," (note to her people: great title for possible Derailed follow up!). At issue is a paparazzo, a Hubble-sized telephoto lens, and some topless photographs of Jennifer sunbathing at her home:

• In a fit anger, Britney Spears has booted husband Kevin Federline out of their lovenest and into the Beverly Hills Hotel. Good for K-Fed: we're sure Spears is footing the bill. [R&M]
• On their way home from a Thanksgiving weekend spent at a Scottsdale, Arizona spa, Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn are pulled over; the cop smelled a hint of booze and advised Vaughn not to continue driving. And then, because they were white and famous, they were let go. [IMDb]
• Actor George Clooney won't finish his post 9/11 catfight with Fox News screamer Bill O'Reilly, but he'll certainly mention it at any opportunity if it helps promote his new movie. [Page Six]
• Martha Stewart's daughter Alexis experimented with lesbianism, but the bois she dated just didn't know how to bake. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Whoopi Goldberg and Prince Edward, Earl of Wessex? Yeah, we're stumped. [Lowdown]

We recently received this PrivacyWatch sighting from a guy who knows a guy who spotted Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston in Scottsdale, AZ:

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are authored by our readers; send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put “sighting” or “PrivacyWatch” in the subject line) and let the world know that Vince Vaughn doesn't open Jennifer Aniston's car door.

• The original Cosmo girl, 83-year-old Helen Gurley Brown, wanted so badly to be on Ellen DeGeneres's talk show that she sent in an "audition tape" featuring her performing a choreographed dance to the best of Andrew Lloyd Webber. The adorable dinosaur even sported a leotard, but apparently that didn't arouse Ellen's libido. [Gatecrasher]
• Porn star Jessica Jaymes is attempting to sell a story of her sexual encounter with Jessica Simpson's pseudo-hubby Nick Lachey for $1 million. No one's interested, perhaps because no one's really surprised. [Page Six]
• Yoko Ono is pissed that Dateline NBC commemorated the 25th anniversary of husband John Lennon's death by devoting airtime to his killer, as opposed to promoting her new book. [R&M]
• In the latest GQ, Woman of the Year Jennifer Aniston lashes out at Page Six's Richard Johnson, saying his coverage of of her breakup with Brad Pitt "was just a game to him, this sick [expletive]." Aw, Jen — Johnson's not playing games. He takes his sick shit very seriously. [Page Six]
• Jake Gyllenhaal denies rumors that he used a body double for his meat-tastic role in Jarhead. We certainly hope he didn't, or else that'll destroy the imagery for our top 5 masturbatory fantasies. [Scoop (2nd item)]
• Jenna Jameson uses MySpace.com? Strange days, people. [Lowdown (2nd item)]

For the first time in GQ's storied history of compiling their people of the year, a woman has topped the list. Choosing Jennifer Aniston, says editor Mark Healy, wasn't some sort of gimmick — everyone knows side-tit shots legitimately move copies.

It's been a losing battle for Jennifer Aniston to veer her recent spate of promotional interviews towards the topic of her new movie, the aptly-titled Derailed. Instead, she is predictably bombarded with endless questions about the obvious subjects: Brad Pitt, Vince Vaughn, Vince & Brad, Brad & Vince, plus the occasional curveball (Jake? Oprah?). In order to make sense of it all, a heart-healing round-up:

Don't feel bad for Vince Vaughn. It takes time for new lovers to learn each other's bodies, and truth be told, Aniston has been really understanding about his inability to become aroused anywhere but on a balcony in Chicago, surrounded by paparazzi.

· Dear God! Some horrible monster in a fuschia sweatshirt swallowed Janet Jackson!
· We seriously doubt that access to Vincent Gallo's sperm is so precious that it's worth a million dollars, even if Gallo is (as he claims) "drug, alcohol, and disease free" and (ahem) "multi talented in all creative fields."
· Things never change, do they? Brad Chases Snapper while Jennifer Tackles Infidelity.
· Radar retrofits the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale with Katie Holmes-specific answers. It's more fun than a handful of Paxil!

Pleased that his well-choreographed exploits with The Break-Up co-star Jennifer Aniston earned him spreads in all the important glossies and tabloids, Vince Vaughn took a couple of close guy pals out for a walk, confident that he'd finally land the covers of Getting Handsy With Uncomfortable Looking Short, Fat Dudes Weekly and Life & Style Presents: 101 Flabby Celebrity Midsections.