• You know that New York's crime rate is at an all-time low (or it's just a really slow news week) when NYPD commissioner Ray Kelly injects himself into any investigation involving Jon Gosselin that doesn't include the reality TV trainwreck's murder. Kelly says the NYPD has yet to determine whether someone really ransacked Jon Gosselin's Upper West Side apartment last weekend, or if it was just a big publicity stunt carried out by Gosselin and/or girlfriend Hailey Glassman. But the investigation continues, he says, so rest assured a few more of your tax dollars will be spent getting to the bottom of things. [NYDN]
• The call that Charlie Sheen's wife, Brooke Mueller, made to 911 on Christmas Day has been released. According to a one report, the couple's argument—in which Sheen allegedly pulled out a knife and said he'd kill her, thus landing him in the clink—was all over a Christmas present. [People, Us, E!]
• You knew Michael Lohan wasn't the world's best father or ex-husband. But he sounds like a pretty horrific fiancé, too. In newly filed court documents, Michael Lohan's ex, Erin Muller, says Lindsay Lohan's dad repeatedly abused her during their relationship, once beat her up for having a male friend on Facebook, and even kicked her "in the vagina" on one occasion. [TMZ]

MTV has rolled out the commercials for Wednesday's big premiere of The Real World: DC. However, after Snooki's punch to the face on Jersey Shore, can anyone actually be excited about an "intense fight about religion among the roomates?"

Jersey Shore castmember The Situation used to be a male stripper. "Surprise," right?

• One of Hollywood's longest-lasting relationships is over: After 23 years and two sons, Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins announced yesterday that they've called it quits. One possible reason for the split: It seems Sarandon may have been having an affair with one of the owners of Spin, the "ping pong social club" that opened this fall and in which she's an investor. [Gawker, P6]
• Mary J. Blige is not to be messed with, clearly. At her CD release party earlier this week, she smacked husband Kendu Isaacs—or punched, depending on which account of the incident you want to go with—after she noticed him checking out a waitress. [NYDN, P6]
• Members of the cast of Jersey Shore have moved to the second chapter of "Exploiting Reality TV Stardom: Practices & Procedures": They're asking to be paid appearance fees to show up at clubs. Alas, not even a club in Hoboken was willing to cough up the $10K that they've been asking for. [P6]

The first investigation into the show is about taxes. How boring! New Jersey State Senator Joseph Vitale doesn't like the way the show depicts Italian-Americans and launched an investigation into the show's wages and hiring practices. Leave Jersey Shore alone!

• Golf Digest has decided to "suspend" Tiger Woods' monthly column. Will Condé Nast continue to pay him his $3 million-a-year salary? Unclear. [NYP]
• The Balloon Boy parents were sentenced to 90 days (him) and 20 days (her) today. For what it's worth, Richard Heene says he's "very, very sorry." [AP]
• Alexis Glick, one of Fox Business's first employees, resigned today. [LAT]
• Fox will go ahead with Idol with or without Simon Cowell. Obviously. [THR]
• Another humorless group is whining about MTV's Jersey Shore. [AP]
• The feud between Time Warner/Fox over cable fees is getting nasty. [DF]
• Jennifer Aniston, Julia Roberts and Mickey Rourke have signed on to present at next month's Golden Globes alongside host Ricky Gervais. [LAT]
• A look back at the wars Rupert Murdoch has waged over the years. [NYM]
• The trailer for Sex and the City 2 was released today. Yes, already. [EW]

That Snooki punch that never existed was pretty awesome. The animated gif for it was even more awesome. Now the internet, as it is wont to do, goes above and beyond awesome and puts the punch into Street Fighter II.

The controversial 5 percent 'Bo-Tax' on elective cosmetic procedures has been nixed in favor of a 10 percent tax on tanning services. Expect Snooki to be 10 percent less tan next season, which is still 90 percent too tan. [NYT]

"Have you ever stopped for a moment to consider that the cast of Jersey Shore are all secretly a bunch of classically trained actors playing roles created for them and that we, those of us who love to mock and ridicule Snooki, J-Woww, Pauly-D and The Situation, are being played HARD?" [Animal NY]

Yes, they were all at the West Chelsea club last night, and our tipster got all the dirt. Snooki is tiny, The Situation wears velvet, DJ Paulie Dashing is charming, and Sammi and Ronnie are still together!

The Situation, Snooki, and DJ Paulie Dialogue took time out from Jersey Shore's global domination to make a video. The fiction is just as good as the real thing, but the beast has awoken. Updated.

• An autopsy was performed on Brittany Murphy yesterday and while no obvious cause of death was determined, more should be known when toxicology tests are completed in several weeks. Meanwhile, police sources say a huge stash of prescription pills (painkillers, antidepressants, anti-anxiety drugs, antibiotics, etc.) were found at her home. And several of Murphy's friends, colleagues, and acquaintances have told reporters that her death "wasn't a shock," and that substance abuse "had sadly become par for the course." [NYP, NYDN, TMZ]
• In an interview yesterday, Murphy's husband Simon Monjack defended himself against suggestions he was a bad influence on Murphy. Monjack's shady past isn't doing him too many favors, however. The British screenwriter was sued by a bank for close to half a million bucks in 2006 as well as evicted from his apartment the same year. A year before that, he was arrested in Virginia on credit card fraud and theft charges. [AH, NYP, Fox News]
• Back in 2001, Tom Cruise sued a magazine editor named Michael Davis Sapir for saying that Cruise had a "homosexual relationship" and Sapir had a tape to prove it. Now it's Sapir turn. He's suing Cruise, his attorney Bert Fields, and private detective Anthony Pellicano for $5 million, claiming they spied on him and illegally wiretapped his phone. [TMZ, Us]
• The German shepherd that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony used to own wasn't the friendliest pooch. Not only did Floyd allegedly attack a flight attendant (who is now suing the couple), he supposedly also head-butted a housekeeper and bit one of their personal assistants. [NYDN]

Remember that Dove "Timelapse Beauty" video? Where the plain looking woman was photoshopped to look pretty? Well this is like that but with more fake tan, poofy hair and less dignity. A lot less.

• It's still unclear what caused Brittany Murphy's death in Los Angeles yesterday morning. While the coroner has indicated the 32-year-old actress appears to have died from "natural causes," it's been reported that lots of prescription drug bottles were uncovered by cops at the scene, and some friends say they'd grown increasingly concerned that she was abusing painkillers. An autopsy is planned for today or tomorrow, but an official cause of death may take a couple of weeks, pending the results of toxicology tests. [NYP, TMZ, People, Sun]
• Murphy's death has put the spotlight on her husband, sketchy 39-year-old screenwriter Simon Monjack, who married Murphy in 2007. [NYDN]
• Tiger Woods set sail on his 155-foot yacht Privacy on Saturday accompanied by a bunch of friends. Where he's going is anybody's guess, although considering the boat has a range of 4,000 miles, it could be anywhere. As for his estranged wife, Elin Nordegren, now that she's retained a divorce lawyer, she's reportedly gearing up to ask for full custody of their two kids and half of his fortune, which has been estimated at $600 million. [NYP, People]

Kevin Jonas got married, probably laid. Jersey Shore kids in New York. Are they loved or hated? Kate Hudson's parents love her sooooooooo much. People wants to kill Brad Pitt's spirit. SJP vs. Dress. Presenting your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup!

While watching tonight's episode of The Soup, we had a case of serious déjà vu (more on that after the jump). Luckily for us, though, McHale and Co.'s hilarious clip from the SYTYCD finale brought us back to reality.

Snooki did an interview with deplorable New Jersey nightlife rag Steppin' Out. Is this the worst union of trashy cool and trashy horrible or is it a marriage made in heaven? Either way, she has some crazy shit to say.

If you're a fan of MTV's Jersey Shore, your next birthday party just got about ten times more exciting. Nicole Polizzi, or "Snooki" as she's known to the universe, will gladly turn up in person—and hopefully do some of her very impressive backflips for you—for "$2,000 plus transportation." [NYC The Blog]

The ultimate goal for all male and female guidos at the Jersey Shore is to hook up and "not fall in love." You would think this would be simple, but you would be very, very wrong.

Jersey Shore is a good thing. This is a fact. But have they blown their wad with too many TV appearances? Has the situation arisen where The Situation points to his abs and we no longer care? Let's discuss.