Even more sad news out of Two and a Half Men, a halfway house for the criminally insane: Jon Cryer—arguably the most well-adjusted of the group, whatever that means—once turned to Charlie Sheen for help hiring prostitutes because he was "an emotional basket case" over his divorce.

So 28 million people watched Ashton Kutcher's debut on Two and a Half Men last night, and I was one of those people. And boy was it a harrowing experience.

The cast of Two and a Half Men appeared on tonight's Late Show to present David Letterman's Top 10 list of reasons to still tune in. But as you'll see in this video, Ashton Kutcher sort of seems over it already, so... points at least for being self-aware?

You know that actors, reality show hosts, and network news anchors make tons of cash, right? But just how much do they make? And who makes more than their fellow stars on shows? And why is Ashton Kutcher the highest paid actor on TV? Let's find out.

Yesterday, Charlie Sheen issued a tirade against his former Two and a Half Men co-star, Jon Cryer, labeling him a, "turncoat, traitor, troll." On tonight's episode of Conan, Cryer appeared on stage to respond to Sheen's insults. Here's video.

Miley Cyrus snaps at a paparazzo. Christina Aguilera returns to the scene of her public intoxication. Lindsay Lohan prepares for her big day in court. Brangelina's children "turn violent." Thursday gossip wonders what Lindsay Lohan will wear to court today.

Isn't it nice to know that Jon Cryer can make fun of the shitty situation he's stuck in? He's slated to appear on this afternoon's episode of Ellen—where we hope he'll let his opinions fly—but for now, enjoy.

Today at Gawker.TV, Amy Poehler owns up to her stock photo modeling past, Jon Cryer talks about working with Charlie Sheen, Jason Davis tells horror stories of his "sobriety," and the first Oscar promos from James Franco and Anne Hathaway.

On Conan, John Cryer tells us how ridiculous it is working with a Charlie Sheen. Turns out a good excuse for showing up late is "Somebody stole my car and ran it off a cliff".

Today at Gawker.TV, Stephen Colbert applauds the liberal head-stomper, Jon Hamm's first SNL promos, a rumor update on Olivia Munn, Modern Family's Halloween episode, and Jon Cryer thinks he portrayed Pretty in Pink's Ducky to be a heterosexual, street-smart kid.

When Molly Ringwald "outed" Pretty in Pink's Ducky at a reunion, Jon Cryer got to thinking about his iconic 1986 character. According to Cryer, he saw Ducky as a street-smart kid and didn't mean to portray his character as gay.

Love takes a Geldof girl under her wing, which can only lead to disaster. Drew Barrymore blames her parents for her problems, and so does Michael Douglas' smack addict kid. Brangelina's new Voight-related headache, Michael Kors' weird bellybutton. TGIFriday gossip.

• Mischa Barton didn't do so hot while filming scenes for Law & Order: SVU earlier this week. She reportedly forgot her lines repeatedly and some people suspect it's because the troubled actress has been partying a bit too hard recently. Then again, after playing a strung-out hooker on L&O, her career has nowhere to go but up, right? [NYDN]
• Publishing heiress Lydia Hearst has posed for Playboy and had a guest appearance on Gossip Girl. What's next? She's leaving NYC for Los Angeles to launch an acting career, naturally. Unfortunately, she's taking her boyfriend, spiky-haired pop rocker Ryan Cabrera, along for the ride, so she may not be getting off to the best start. [P6]
• Speaking of people who have built a career based on their willingness to take off their clothes, remember Amy Fisher? She'll be getting naked at a restaurant on Long Island this week and is setting aside a portion of the proceeds to help victims of the earthquake in Haiti. Your turn, Buttafuoco. [P6]
• John Edwards has finally come clean and admitted that he's the father of Rielle Hunter's two-year-old daughter. Better late than never? [People]

Miley Cyrus has a ring that gives her special powers, like attracting press! Jeff Bridges basically is The Dude. Tiger Woods likes hot asses, but whose? Fake hair! Golden showers! Taxes! Chicks making out! Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

Ellen Barkin is turning 55 today, although she probably shouldn't expect flowers from any of her famous exes. Legendary choreographer Merce Cunningham is turning 90. Model Alek Wek is 32. Actor Lukas Haas is turning 33. Architect Ricardo Scofidio is 74. Jon Cryer is 44. So is comedian Martin Lawrence. Basketball great Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is turning 62. Patriots coach Bill Belichick turns 57. And Joseph Alois Ratzinger—the man better known as Pope Benedict XVI— is turning 82 years old today.

On John McCain's last fundraiser jaunt through Hollywood, he attracted a motley crew of the men and women who make up the industry's smallest club: Republicans. Hollywood titans like Wilford Brimley, Craig T. Nelson, and Jon Cryer (who was just gathering information!) all turned out to support the candidate who thinks "celebrity" is a dirty word and has the endorsement roster to prove it. So what glittering surprises did McCain have up his sleeve for last night's McCain/Palin fundraiser across the street from CAA? Let's take a look!

Breaking news from Jon Cryer's rep Karen Samfilippo, regarding the Fox News article that placed him at a John McCain fundraiser: "In fact, Jon is not endorsing McCain or Obama at this point. He went to the fundraiser to learn more about the candidate and would like to do the same with Obama if the opportunity presents itself." Hear that, Barack? A crucial 40% of the titular Two and a Half Men is still undecided and up for grabs! Still: no word, yet, from the similarly sighted Lorenzo Lamas or Craig T. Nelson. We'll keep you posted as the official confirmation of their endorsements comes in. [Previously: Superdelegate Shocker: Jon Cryer Sighted at McCain Fundraiser!]

As the man who brought us Pretty in Pink's Duckie, you might expect Jon Cryer to have a special affinity for those born on the wrong side of the tracks: the poor, the outcast, even the sexually ambiguous. However, it's apparently his role in Hot Shots! that Cryer identifies with most, because he turned up this week at a fundraiser for another easily downed Naval pilot: presidential candidate John McCain. In fact, according to Fox News, McCain met on Monday with a veritable Who's Who (no, seriously: who?) of Hollywood celebrities at the Beverly Hills Hilton in an attempt to solicit money from the group he hates the most. After the jump, the list of celebs in attendance (there's no Dennis Hopper, but trust us, you don't want to miss it):

Two and Half Men star Jon Cryer received the next level in TSA security pat down while boarding at a film at LAX. It wasn't as much of a pat down as it was a full body pat down that lingered a tad too long in certain areas for Cryer. Cryer said of the experience, "I guess he's a fan, but sometimes, people get a bit too zealous."