A baby who we all know, Prince George of Cambridge, is having yet another of the hundred billion strange experiences that, taken together, constitute a human life today: his parents are dressing him in a big lace dress, singing songs at him, and putting water on his head in exchange for one (1) General Admission ticket to the afterlife, first come first served, no assigned seating. He's being christened.
On Friday, the Duchess of Cambridge participated in a military training exercise designed to prepare Britain for an air assault by balls. [Image via AP]
A couple weeks ago, Kate Middleton's father, Michael Middleton, gathered up his daughter, son-in-law, grandson, and a couple dogs he knew, and bade them come out into the harsh August sunlight for an informal photo session in his garden. The resulting pictures were great by family photo standards: no one was sneezing; most people's eyes were open; there was nary a bunny ear to be seen.
On Monday, the press office for Prince William announced that the first official family portraits of Prince George would be released at 12:00 a.m. BST Tuesday morning. However, given the choice between waiting 3 hours to see the pictures or seeing them NOW NOW NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT FREAKIN' NOW, the world chose the latter; the photos were leaked to Twitter around 9 p.m. BST.
As of Friday, Britain's Prince George is no longer an undocumented drifter living off the grid, subsisting on secrets and shadows; he's a person with a birth certificate. For whatever reason, the birth certificate was not filled out very neatly, but what are you gonna do? Summer Fridays, everyone's in a hurry. (Here's Prince William's super fancy birth certificate for comparison.)
Here's Fox News cutting away from President Obama's economic speech today to tease the naming of the royal baby.
Everyone's close personal friends Prince William and Kate Middleton emerged from St. Mary's hospital on Tuesday with a brand new baby boy they made or found or something.
Where is the Royal Baby? The tiny heir to the British throne has been born (we're told!) but remains in the Lido Wing of St. Mary's Hospital with his parents—though he may make an appearance today.
Hordes of sleepy Australian cameramen and rumpled Russian news anchors will have a great orgy in the streets of London tonight, for the Duchess of Cambridge has finally given birth to the Cookie Monster that has been growing inside her like a parasite for the better part of a year: a healthy baby boy.
As the world waits with bated breath for the emergence of the latest—and cutest—member of the British Royal Family, allow us to put forth a gentle reminder: In a just world, this innocent child would be going up for adoption, since its family would have been imprisoned for crimes against humanity.
Kate Middleton: she’s fat! Got a fat face stretched across a marshmallow head, perched atop a neck made of a stack of quarters (if we’re keeping everything to scale) that's connected to a potato body. Why’s she being all fat all the time? According to some random doctor, it's because Kate Middleton is pregnant with a daughter, who is already mean girling her from the inside.
In February, the threat of HISTORIC, EXTREME SNOW whipped Weather.com into such a frothy euphoria that it combusted from within, vomiting broken mountain graphics all over its homepage. Now, the unbearable ecstasy of the final days of Kate Middleton’s pregnancy has driven E! Online—the relentlessly chipper, unnervingly dedicated sophomore class secretary of celebrity news—to the brink of insanity.
Earlier this week, St. James’ Palace and Good Manners Emporium confirmed to the world that when Kate Middleton has her baby in a few weeks, the whole affair is gonna be real cool and classy, not dirty and stupid.
Poor Kate Middleton. A couple years ago, she married a guy she met in college and thought her life was really on track. She quit her job as an assistant buyer for Party Pieces ("What a great piece to have at a party. We'll take three, please.") because her husband said he could support their family on his pilot's salary. She got herself a dog so she'd have someone to keep her company while he was away, in the sky. She began purchasing armfuls of miniature hats to give her life whimsy.
On Tuesday, Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton was tottering around a "fishing heritage center" in the middle of nowhere (technically: the coast of nowhere), all pregnant, probably singing Britney Spears' 2000 single "Lucky" over and over in her head and wondering if she wouldn't have been happier with Tristan after all.
Lady with a baby inside her Kate Middleton officially debuted the rounded abdominal area of a gestating female, caused by the rapid growth and development of a tiny cluster of cells into a sassy baby with attitude — her "baby bump" — for the first time Tuesday, and everyone rejoiced that a human, at long last, was pregnant.
