It wasn't just Kiefer Sutherland's merry, drunken joyride through life that came crashing to a halt when he was stopped for a parole-violating DUI last month—so too did the party end for the ranks of professional John Hancock-procurers depending on Kiefer's autograph to put food on the table for their little ones. Sutherland now refuses to sign for them, Page Six reports, since damning shots of the slosh-faced actor taken the night of his arrest made their way onto the internets:

· Showing a Baueresque level of self-sacrifice, Kiefer Sutherland takes one for his TV team, pleading out to 48 days of jail time that can be served on a two-stint schedule that won't interrupt the shooting of 24, even though he probably could have served fewer days if he'd opted for a consecutive sentence. If eighteen months of being tortured by the Chinese couldn't break him, seven weeks should be a breeze. [THR]
· After putting up "solid" premiere numbers, ABC's bold Cavemen experiment falters, dropping off 25 percent in its second week. Enjoy your lovable, squash-playing, Swedish-furniture-hawking Neanderthals while you still can. [Variety]

We're one step closer to the end of the waking nightmare represented by Kiefer Sutherland's ongoing DUI case, as his Hollywood superlawyer has entered a no contest plea on the actor's behalf. Now we have to wait until December 21st for the sentencing, hoping that he receives the wrist-slap that will allow him to get back to the important business of being The World's Drinking Buddy™ as quickly as possible. [TMZ]

We'll admit to perhaps being in the tiniest amount of denial about this Kiefer Sutherland DUI situation, as we spent most of the week trying to convince ourselves that the story was just some kind of hallucinatory side effect of our own Tuesday morning hangover. But then news arrives about charges being officially filed today and it becomes a little harder to ignore the fact that America's most lovable, belt-sander-wielding, Geneva-convention-violating counterterrorist (see, there we go again, emotionally defending ourselves by imagining he's as invulnerable as Jack Bauer) could be in some real jeopardy:

When Kiefer Sutherland wandered out of his East Side comfort zone—where drunken U-turns aren't just legal, they're encouraged!—and into the glare of a West L.A. cop car's spotlight, few of us immediately realized that the ensuing arrest constituted a probation violation for the beloved, tannenbaum-tackling lush-of-the-people. Now, with the actor facing possible jail time and all the ominous God-finding that implies, we offer a Kiefer post-DUI round-up:

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you saw Andy Dick sober.

This morning brings news that will sadden and shock Hollywood (OK, perhaps it won't exactly shock anyone), as universally beloved, pub-crawling, America-saving rogue Kiefer Sutherland was popped for a DUI last night in West L.A., having reportedly fallen prey to the trap that has claimed untold celebrity lightweights unfit to freshen up his whiskey glass: the illegal U-turn in the sightline of a waiting police cruiser.

In what we will admit is a shameless attempt at pandering to the sizable Kiefer Sutherland-worshipping segment of our readership, we spotlight the following item from this week's Popbitch newsletter, in which the 24 star and beloved drinking buddy of countless eastside drinking establishment patrons threatens to singlehandedly take down a mob of Romanians who showed a heretical disregard for his sacred movie set:

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you spotted The Office's Toby exactly the way he should always be seen—nearly naked and sopping wet.

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you spotted beloved East Side mainstay Kiefer Sutherland in his rightful place, mingling among the drunk and unwashed masses at Sunset Junction.

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often. (You have only yourselves to blame if they seem a little light or less than chockful of A-listers sometimes.) Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and share your amateur analysis of Tori Spelling's psychological state based on some observation while shopping.

As unlikely as it sounds, a recent international legal symposium in Canada's capital devolved into a philosophical debate over whether or not the star of a popular primetime Fox program had the right to employ cruel and inhumane torture tactics as a means to achieving a justifiable end—and the name Paula Abdul never once came up. No, visiting U.S. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia was actually defending the morally ambiguous actions of 24's Jack Bauer, who'd think nothing of turning his own brother's Pain-O-Meter to 11 if it meant stopping the needless obliteration of another Valencia. From The Globe and Mail:

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and tell everyone about the time you ran your fingers along an apologetically drunk Kiefer Sutherland's abs of steel.

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, and your tenth sighting gets a free selection from our pastry case! Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and give Macaulay Culkin's My Girl love interest Anna Chlumsky serious cause for concern.

Parade, which most recently made headlines for lulling Halle Berry into a trusting place, then drawing her ire by printing her account of a suicide attempt that she had not intended to trot out again until at least something on the level of a Vanity Fair cover story came around, is once again snapping at the celebrity hands that feed its content. A press release in our inbox touts a preview of their annual "'What People Earn' salary report," which would more accurately be described as the, "'Take A Good Look At The Rat Droppings You Call A Wage Compared To Those Of Your Much More Famous Counterparts' report."

With Hollywood's younger generation proving on a near daily basis that it can't hold its booze, we feel it's important to celebrate the more seasoned individuals on the scene who can have a drink or ten without shaving their heads, trading their babies for a pack of smokes, and then heading off for a month of poolside rehab to battle their lightweight demons. And so we pass along this story from the Pop Stand blog, in which a civilian's very late night encounter with Official Eastside Drinking Buddy Kiefer Sutherland on the streets of the actor's Los Feliz stomping grounds refreshingly does not end in shaky TMZ video footage of a famous person mowing down a pack of paparazzi in their luxury automobile:

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in with the kind of enthusiasm you usually reserve for new episodes of Medium and lovemaking. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you saw Jay Mohr having his toenails done.

· Delays in a 24 feature script free up Kiefer Sutherland to do some non-terrorism-related work during his TV hiatus, allowing him to star in the supernatural thriller Mirrors from director Alexandre "The Hills Have Eyes" Aja. [Variety]
· OK, now we might have to start caring about Iron Man: Jeff Bridges is on board, joining Robert Downey Jr., et. al. in the cast. [THR]
· A "massive shakeup" at Discovery Networks sees the exit of a handful of top executives, but we find it impossible to care as long as the new regime promises not to fuck with Animal Planet's Puppy Bowl, the single greatest spectacle on basic cable. Whoever came up with the WaterBowlCam deserves his or her own channel to run. [Variety]
· CBS's Super Monday promotion successfully tricks viewers into thinking the Super Bowl is a two-night event, giving the network a Monday night win over strong Deal or No Deal and Heroes performances on NBC. In other ratings news, an estimated 7.2 million people watched Timothy Busfield chase around a coyote, snake, and ferret for an hour on Studio 60. [THR]
· South by Southwest reveals its film festival lineup, which will include Michael "Because I Said So" Lehmann's comedy Flakes and Judd Apatow's Knocked Up. [Variety]

· This is what it looks like when Kiefer Sutherland watches Valencia get nuked.
· Unsurprisingly, the paparazzi aren't respecting Lindsay Lohan's privacy during her stint in rehab.
· Ken Levine, one of the "unemployed" writers Aaron Sorkin pilloried following that now-infamous LAT piece, offers what he really thinks of Sorkin.
· These Worth1000 Photoshop contest images of a variety of male stars remade into women are the stuff of nightmares. Bad, bed-wetting ones.

• Above: dog poop, Boerum Hill.