47-year-old Madonna arrived at the Gaultier show in Paris yesterday looking like, well, a 47-year-old — and the British press is concerned for their adopted pop-granny:

• Chanel gave Reese Witherspoon her dress for the Golden Globes, telling her it was vintage. In this case, "vintage" means "merely three years old and previously worn by Kirsten Dunst." Even worse, the dress was seriously NOT that cute. [Page Six]
• Kate Moss is so clean and sober that she was seen dancing disturbingly close to Jack Osbourne. See? REHAB MAKES YOU CRAZY! [Lowdown (last item)]
• Today, Britney Spears goes Hindu. Tomorrow, she explores radical Islam. [Scoop]
• Is Madonna working out too much, to the detriment of her own health? Certainly not if you like your disco gay pop goddesses to kill her dissenters with her bare hands. [R&M]
• Jonathan Cheban slips into his former office at Grubman-Cheban PR under the cloak of darkness for the ritual desk-cleaning. With him he takes three rolls of scotch tape, his rainbow Post-It pad, and a strand of Grubman's hair. [Page Six]

• Mike Myers and his wife of the past 12 years, Robin Ruzan (whose Jewish mother was the inspiration behind Myers' Linda Richman character on Saturday Night Live), have filed for divorce. What went wrong? By using the clues in Gawker Stalker, you can piece together the decline of a marriage and the rise of an alcoholic. Which is exactly what we designed the feature for. [The Apiary]
• A court has lifted a Santa Fe woman's restraining order against David Letterman, who, she claims, used code words during his show to give her instructions on how to eat crayons and wear tinfoil hats. [AP]
• When bloggers turn unreasonably nasty on commonfolk, nobody wins. It's akin to cannibalism, snarking on one's own kind. [Perez Hilton]
• Yes, we know that horsey 90210 alum Tori Spelling is engaged to a new beau, despite being not yet divorced from her ex-husband. May her new man enjoy riding her around the Spelling mansion. [Us Weekly]
• Patrick Swayze is delving into hip-hop, using "rap rhythms as an emotional undercurrent for ballads." We always felt Dirty Dancing would be profoundly improved with the addition of gold teeth and bitches. [AllHipHop]
• You may consider yourself a gay wino, but are you gay and drunk enough to own a collectible bottle of Madonna's "Confessions on a Dance Floor" wine? [Celebrity Cellars]
• A new sense of pity for Women's Wear Daily reporter Jacob Bernstein, whose mother Nora Ephron will never be happy until her baby boy finds her a cabbage strudel. [NYT]

• Irish slutbunny Colin Farrell checks into rehab for "exhaustion" and an addiction to prescription painkillers. The pills were reportedly prescribed to him after he threw out his back, presumably from humping every chica in Miami. [Page Six]
• The fine fellow who claims to have Jenna Bush's ID after she left it in Chinatown inferno Happy Endings just happens to be a coke dealer. Bless this Bush twin for helping our local economy! [Radar]
• Are Brangelina shopping for a few architectual finds in Los Angeles? Reportedly they're looking at two homes for $10 million. [Lowdown (bottom of page)]
• But model Jenny Shimizu — who famously had a passionate tryst with Angelina Jolie — knows that not even Brad Pitt's architectural dilettantism can touch the depths of the ladies' sapphic love. [R&M]
• Madonna believes that if she were a man, she'd be president. She'd have to lose the faux-accent first, though. [Scoop]
• Proving their sense of humor to have no limits, Page Six refers to Star Jones's husband Al Reynolds as "manly." Manly like a big, thick beard. [Page Six]

• PETA places stickers featuring Anna Wintour's luverly visage on urinals, knowingly located at venues frequented by the Voguester. We're counting on you to catch some images of the campaign (at Da Silvano, La Esquina, and the Four Seasons) before management is forced to remove the handiwork. [Page Six]
• Madonna waltzes into the Mercer Kitchen and seduces hotelier Andre Balazs for a solid 10 minutes. Balazs's girlfriend, actress Uma Thurman, seemed to not notice — or, perhaps, care. Madge ain't much competition these days. [Lowdown]
• As a nice complement to Katie Couric's own retardation, a poet within NBC has penned a holiday-appopriate ode to the Today princess: "'Tis right before seven, On the set of 'Today,' There struts a smug diva, Who wants things her way." [Page Six]
• The New Yorker's Ken Auletta rips Times publisher Arthur Sulzberger, Jr. a new one in the latest issue of the mag. [R&M]
• How does Jessica Simpson deal with an ugly breakup? Collagen, natch, because your first rebound hook-up goes so much more smoothly when you're sporting a nice set of DSLs. [Scoop (last item)]

After taking a break to complete her latest work, Break, Blow, Burn, awesomely intellectual feminist and bestselling author Camille Paglia has returned to her column at Salon.com to tackle the pressing issue that affects thinking women and Gays everywhere: Madonna's new album, and whether or not it's any good. Writes Paglia:

• At right, the new look of Nightline, premiering tonight. We can't wait to see if Martin Bashir tricks Cynthia McFadden into thinking he's her ally, only to destroy her. [TVNewser]
• Depending on how badly you want to make your eyes bleed, you may want to check out Madonna's "big toe" and ass-cheek goiter. [CityRag]
• Peter Braunstein hits America's Most Wanted levels of infamy. Can the show's prostrate viewers hunt him down? [AMW]
• Wal-Mart in Staten Island? Well, we suppose if it has to go somewhere... [Curbed]
• Author Rick Moody on baseball, and how all writers are on the same team. Except for the Gay ones. [TMN]
• Naomi Campbell goes on the Tyra Banks show, gets halfway weepy, and doesn't beat the crap out of anyone. [Jossip]

It would appear the wheels of justice turn particularly slowly in the land of frites and Van Damme, as a Brussels court has just ruled that a Madonna song from 1998 ("Frozen" you remember it, in the video she's alone in the desert dressed like Lily Munster, then she presto-change-os into a Doberman Pinscher) was plagiarized:

• More on rapper 50 Cent's forthcoming imprint: the books won't top 150 pages, making them G-Unit friendly. We also learn that 50's quite the bookworm, leaving his gangsta cred in peril. [Page Six]
• A pillow fight leads to table-throwing at the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas, causing tens of thousands of dollars of damage to Paris Hilton and Stavros Niarchos's room. Good thing her family owns the place — but how long until her parents call for her public execution? [Scoop]
• Kabbalah-giddy Madonna feels a kinship with Scientologist Tom Cruise, as they're both "persecuted" for the bizarre faiths. That's not true: we've no problem with their religious beliefs. We persecute solely in response to retarded behavior. [R&M]
• Actress Sharon Stone stands up uber-wealthy Denise Rich at a fundraiser; Rich pens an angry song in response. [Page Six]
• Apprentice contender Bethenny Frankel refuses to remove her feet from a VIP bench so another guest can sit down. In her defense, the other guest wasn't even attractive. [Lowdown (2nd item)]

In case you forget, our fair city has an anthem. We never much liked it, though — it was cute in a nostalgic, old-school-Big-Apple sort of way, but it didn't really speak to the New York as we know it. You know what does, however? The new Madonna album, that's what. It's so dancey, so gay, so throbbing that it practically oozes NYC vibe with every trancey thud. And? It even comes with a brand new New York theme song, handily titled I Love New York:

The oddest emails keep getting forwarded to us today. Especially this one:

You have to love that the Drudge Report, that bellwether of breaking, right-leaning news and weather phenomena, has an exclusive report about last night's MTV Europe Music Awards. How, you might ask, does a report on a ho-hum Madonna performance for her masters at MTV fit into Matt Drudge's beat? Very easily:

• Madonna continues to dominate the Gay circuit with talk of Broadway. She claims to have material for a musical, the very thought of which could cause Chelsea to spontaneously combust. Go slowly, Madge. [Scoop]
• When thugular rapper 50 Cent was shot 9 times, the incident gave him the necessary street cred. But if the shooter was nicknamed "Hommo," does that render all cred moot? [Page Six]
• Nicky Hilton, Kimberly Stewart, and Bijou Phillips brave Hurricane Wilma to attend the opening of an envelope in South Beach. [R&M (bottom of page)]
• The National Enquirer finally dumps Anna Nicole Smith's attempt at a column, presumably because it was utterly incoherent save for the pictures of her dog. [Page Six]
• Like all reality show winners, the Apprentice's Kendra Todd has an engorged sense of self-importance. Made in her mentor's likeness, we suppose. [Lowdown]

Yes, it's that Madonna, at that Misshapes.
And just when the disaffected hipsters had lost all hope, MadonnaClaus came down the chimney at Misshapes to save them all with her sack full of soap and smiles.

• Actress Rose McGowan got into a Tuesday-night tussle after exchanging words with a security guard. Funny, this version of events has nothing to do with the key-bombing tragicomedy we heard about. [Page Six]
• America's Favorite Maligned Sweetheart Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn are, according to the celebrity weeklies, officially a couple. Vinifer? Jence? It just doesn't seem right to us. [R&M]
• Madonna dips her fantastic fingers into the UN, giving us hope that Angelina Jolie will be knocked off her pedestal and go back to making Brad Pitt's babies. [Scoop]
• Overpaid Yankee Alex Rodriguez mourns the death of an uncle by playing poorly and getting loaded at Cain. [Lowdown]
• Bombaster Donald Trump bombastically puts his Palm Beach estate for sale, priced at a record-setting, bombastic $125 million. [Page Six]

• Madonna annouces that if we all don't give up our wicked ways, we'll all go to hell. From slatternly songstress to earth mother to English lady to evangelical Kabbalahist, is there anyone this woman can't be? And are we going to see Madge burning copies of her own records? [R&M]
• Will innocent Kirsten Dunst head down the path of Lindsay Lohan? Allegedly the starlet has been spending a bit too much time with the Boone's, thus reigniting our flame of hope that Jake Gyllenhaal will leave her drunk ass and be our boyfriend instead. [Page Six]
• The crew from Lil' Kim's last video shoot has yet to be paid, perhaps because all the money has gone to bribing her wardens. [Lowdown]
• The new James Bond, British actor Daniel Craig, is scared of water and press conferences. [Scoop]
• Guess Page Six gets the same press-releases-as-celeb-sightings as we do. [Page Six]

Hollywood's dueling celebrity-positive cults inclusionary spiritual inspiration societies may be locked in a high-stakes battle for Oprah Winfrey's eternal soul. While Scientology seems to have recently made a play for Winfrey's attention, everyone's favorite magic-water swillers/red-string models have brought out their big gun in hopes of beaming their Light™ directly into the minds of America's hausfraus:

• Actress Vivica Fox insults rapper 50 Cent's handling of their relationship, deeming it to be "ghetto love." As if she expected anything more of a man who considers a bulletproof vest part of a three-piece suit. [Scoop]
• Determined to convince Jennifer Lopez of the evils of fur, PETA-loving Beatle-wife Heather Mills McCartney personally marched a video of animals being skinned alive over to Lopez's Sweetface clothing offices. Alas, Lopez wasn't around for a viewing. We doubt she even knows she has a Sweetface clothing line. [Lowdown]
• French tabloids regurgitate old quotes from Desperate Housewives' Eva Longoria to make it seem as if she's cheating on her basketballing boy-toy Tony Parker. How appalling; our American gossip columns would never do such a thing. [Page Six]
• Director Guy Ritchie shoves lamb roast in Madonna's face, to which his wife responds by dumping couscous in his lap. All this loving laughter, however, does not change the fact that his latest film reportedly sucks. [R&M]

• Socialtwat Paris Hilton is yet again insisting she's "so not sexual." Right, because to be consciously sexual would imply some degree of self-awareness. [Page Six]
• Meanwhile, producers of the Simple Life are finding it increasingly different to film the reality flick when Hilton and her co-star, Nicole Richie, still aren't speaking. We'd kind of like to see a completely silent version of the series, actually. [Scoop]
• Is Dick Cheney dead? Just wondering. [Lowdown]
• Monica Lewinsky is finally leaving New York for the warm embrace of London, where she'll be pursuing a Master's degree in Social Psychology at the London School of Economics. We challenge you to think of a more inappropriate career path. [Page Six]
• Madonna makes $8 million in 10 hours. You, however, are late with the rent check. [R&M (2nd item)]

• Those who care are whispering that Sienna Miller has pulled out of the Roland Mouret fashion show on September 13, perhaps because she'll be too busy feeding Jude Law's fetus. She's yet to contact anyone regarding her role in Factory Girl, which begins shooting in November, so expect her to poop that baby out by October. [Page Six]
• When Jimmy Kimmel disses Star Jones, actress Vivica Fox comes to her friend's defense. Eager to patch things up, Kimmel suggests a dinner with Fox, Jones and her "hubby" Al Reynolds, at which point Fox predicted that Kimmel would have his ass kicked. Certainly not by Al, though. [Lowdown]
• Upon seeing the August Vogue pictorial featuring "Madonna ostentatiously posing in riding habit and boots on a horse whose reins she is awkwardly and incorrectly holding," Camille Paglia knew she was in for a spill. And yet, Paglia did NOTHING to save Madonna. Bitch. [Page Six]
• Sharon Stone pitches a high-powered fit over losing the role of Lana Turner in the late actress' biopic to the significantly younger Catherine Zeta-Jones. [Scoop]
• When the going gets tough, Jets owner Woody Johnson just quits. Or at least suggests selling off his team. [R&M (2nd item)]