Our daily update on THE RETURN OF FEAR was going to focus on this morning's reports of a suspicious package that drew all sorts of police attention around the Price Waterhouse Cooper building at 42nd Street and Madison, but that hullabaloo (predictably and thankfully) turned out to be a big bucket of nothing. Fine by us; we're far more disturbed by an exclusive report from the Post revealing one of Osama Bin Laden's most sinister plans. One year after 9/11, Bin Laden offered tens of millions of dollars to a Colombian drug cartel to purchase tons of cocaine. He planned to spike the drugs with poison and then resell the supply in the United States, thus killing thousands of otherwise innocent hipsters:

Right. Two years of delays. Or, you know, 30-odd, when you consider ground was broken in 1972.

Nick Paumgarten lands what seems like The New Yorker's most boring reporting assignment ever, eavesdropping on cops and passengers on the first morning of subway bag checks:

The thriving tourism industry welcomes you.
And, for an extra $15, Gray Line Bus Tours offers the Real NYC Experience. Feel just like an actual New Yorker as cops drag you off the bus for and deem your stuffed pockets a security threat! A wonderful memory for the entire family. (Children under 13 not permitted.)

• Tonight, at the Knitting Factory... Gravy Train!!!! (Note: exclamation points are part of the band's name, not indicative of our enthusiasm for their performance. Though we are indeed excited that they bring their perverted selves to Knitting Factory tonight, but we will try to maintain neutrality.) [flavorpill]
• Are you sick of Chuck Klosterman yet? No? Head to the Borders at the Time Warner Center at 7pm to hear him read from his new book, and you will be. [TONY]
• Makor's got it goin on tonight: Indian vixen Suphala plays the tabla in one room; Sundance hit The Education of Shelby Knox, about a 15 year old's campaign for sex education at her Texan high school, screens in another. [92nd Y]

Now used to reveal the innermost thoughts of a model, Sharpies certainly have come a long way from the days of circling offensive areas of body fat.

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Did we not mention that FEAR IS BACK? Yeah, we think we did — which means that the only thing surprising about the word of some sort of bomb security threat is the fact that it's at the Borough Hall station in Brooklyn. (What, no bag checks east of the river?) Per usual, we have no idea what's going on, but a source inconvenienced by the station shut-down confirms that the police investigation has something to do with the threat of terror. While we wait for more information, our mothers say we should stock up on bottled water and make sure the rifles are loaded. We suggest that once you're done running about the streets, shrieking in horror, you do the same. Stay vigilant, New York.
Update 11:50 All service back to normal. Boo.

In case you missed the news this weekend, FEAR IS BACK! Subway bag checks are but mere apertifs to the main course, which smells like Apeshitting Paranoia with a side of Creamed Idiocy. At Penn Station yesterday, some jackass (who, after taking breakfast from a bong, probably thought the following would be "wicked awesome") threw a backpack at an Amtrak ticket agent and announced it contained a bomb. After the station was evacuated, the whole incident was deemed a prank. Nevertheless, it inspired even more vigilant action:

Sightings are sent in by obsessive-compulsive yet remarkably attractive readers; send yours to tips@gawker.com.

Friday:
• The 7th Annual Del Close Improv Marathon, in which a multitude of improv groups perform for 58 straight hours on three separate stages at the UCB and Abingdon Theaters. [flavorpill]
• There was a Scottish indie scene long before Franz Ferdinand came bouncing into metrosexual hotness; brush up on your folklore with Teenage Fanclub at the Bowery. Wistful 30-somethings are almost guaranteed entry. [Upcoming]
Saturday:
• 24 Hours of Mass Construction, in which a series of 10-minute plays are conceived, written, rehearsed, and performed all in the course of a single day. Go on and support your cracked-out on stage brethren. [ToMD]
• Do you need some new clothes that are actually old clothes in disguise? You're in luck: the Emg. Vintage Sale comes to the Tribeca Grand Hotel today between 2 and 6pm. Chanel and Miu Miu and Dior, oh my! [Paper]
Sunday:
• Acoustic band Alarm Will Sound tackles the work of techno-elite Aphex Twin with strings, voices, woodwinds and percussion for their Unremixed performance. It's at the Lincoln Center, though, so leave the mushrooms at home. [LC]

Predictably, the bag checks in NYC subways are affecting one group in particular: Craigslisters. An always vocal, typically anonymous group, the patriots on everyone's favorite site-of-al-trades will NOT take these bag checks without contributing their running commentary:

Amid all the wild cheers and exuberant applause for the exciting, exciting new policy of subway searches, one private security expert makes an interesting point in the Post:

• The Kaiser Chiefs' show at Webster Hall is sold out, but we're sure you can scalp your way indoors with the rest of the sweaty masses. Should be interesting, seeing as it's clearly too hot for any of the hipsters to wear their skin tight jeans. [Webster Hall]
• Tonight's the first night of the Rural Route Film Festival at Anthology Film Archives. Check out cinematic shorts inspired by Bonnie "Prince" Billy, Joanna Newsome, and Bright Eyes. Yes, Bright Eyes. Time to go Safran Foer hunting! [flavorpill]
• Chuck Klosterman, the only author your stoner roommate seems to know of, reads from his latest tome, Killing Yourself to Live, tonight at Rand McNally. If you're lucky, he might sign your Saved by the Bell t-shirt. [TONY]

What do you do when one of the Red Cross' most active publicists is diagnosed with an "unexplained" illness and, worse, is then told by her doctors that she will die if she doesn't get a liver transplant within a matter of days?

• Gus Van Sant's Cobain-inspired Last Days, featuring the typically disheveled Michael Pitt as the typically disheveled Kurt Cobain-type, screens at MoMA tonight. The show starts at 9:00pm, giving you plenty of time to get your smacked-up, flannel shirt-wearing self over there. [flavorpill]
• Clap Your Hands Say Yeah parlay their recent Pitchfork/blogger adulation into a sold-out gig at Southpaw. Like you were gonna go to Brooklyn, anyway. [SP]
• And the event all you masochistic wannabe dot-com entrepaneurs have been waiting for: Mediabistro.com CEO Laurel Touby appears at Makor to describe how she turned a monthly gathering of alcoholic editors and writers into a legitimate business. Hint: It probably wasn't the with the feather boa. [92Y]

Jude Law's recent confession to having an affair with his nanny didn't just destroy the confidence of his fianceé Sienna Miller; it also shattered the faith of nanny-employing mothers everywhere. What if the nanny is so hot, it's simply inevitable that your husband will throw her against the foyer wall and do her like she's never been done before?

From our glittery bag of reader email:

Sightings are sent in by readers; send yours to tips@gawker.com.

• This month's installment of blogger reading series What You See Is What You Get is titled "Summer Camp Stories," wherein bloggers likely spin tales of being sociopathic inverts who sniff glue during arts and crafts hour instead of making out in bunk beds and playing kickball like all the normal kids. Sure to be a hoot. 7:30pm at P.S. 122. [flavorpill]
• Entertainment Weekly recently named Augusten Burroughs the 15th Funniest Person in America, which, depending on your opinion of EW, is either a positive or a negative. Make up your mind for sure at Cooper Union's Great Hall tonight, where the former alcoholic ad exec turned writer peforms his new autobiographical show. [Upcoming]
• Elvis Costello returns to Central Park SummerStage for the third time in his career, joined by Emmylou Harris. It's 60 bucks, but what better way to pay tribute to the guy whose glasses you're probably wearing? [Summerstage]