The world's most famous shrinking violet retreats to a secret lair of luxury. Hulk Hogan is rushed to the hospital. Police admit Paris Hilton was "treated differently" in jail. The stars of Tuesday gossip are not like you and me.

Bristol Palin's Dancing with the Stars outfit: Revealed. Whoopi Goldberg bought a huge Michael Jordan, Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick say everything's chill. A Playboy Playmate might sue Spencer Prat! Monday's Gossip Roundup is a labor of love.

This week, Star magazine investigates the perilous lives of celebrity assistants. But what's the point of having power if you can't abuse it? A guide to which underling abuses are reasonable, and which will just get you sent to jail.

"Do it again," murmurs Miley after a public, videotaped spanking. Drew Barrymore wants to punch a "bitch" journalist. Enrique Iglesias: "Fame is the best aphrodisiac you can have." Thursday gossip is for the fetishists.

Why did Lourdes Leon wear a marijuana-themed wristband? Lindsay Lohan may go free tomorrow. Taylor Momsen rather regrets her latest teen angst interview. Cuba Gooding Jr. parties with Johnny Weir. Tuesday gossip makes bold statements.

Tabloid sex fiend Andrea Peyser can most accurately be summed up as a ball of ill-concealed sexual repression who constantly lashes out at delusional symbols of impropriety, out of guilt. Sad, really. Today: why are all young girls sluts, 100%?

The Levi Johnston-Bristol Palin custody battle finally ends. The Lohans talk about their daughter. Nicole Richie got a new cat. Miley Cyrus wants a boob job. What's more humiliating than being dumped via press release? Welcome to Saturday Gossip Roundup.

Sales of Miley Cyrus' latest album "Can't Be Tamed" have been disappointing compared to her 2008 debut. Why? Her fan base of middle-school girls think she's acting too "grown-up" (read: slutty). And the fickle 12-year-olds have set us free.

Another day, another lawsuit against Lindsay Lohan, this time for impoverishing a Hollywood boutique. At least her abused assistant came back? Both halves of The Bachelor contemplate naked photoshoots. Zoe Saldana is engaged. Thursday gossip is a forgone conclusion.

Frodo is back and smaller than ever! He's on the small screen, that is. Also today: happy employment for Angela Bassett, confusing employment for Heather Graham, upsetting employment for Ashley Greene, and sad unemployment for a bunch of Starz actors.

Today at Gawker.TV, a 10-minute Mad Men preview, Miley Cyrus grossly overuses the words "like" and "y'know," highlights from Team CoCO's special, The Tudors series finale, and the mountain man who's ready to hunt down Osama bin Laden.

In a recent interview on Live! With Regis and Kelly, Miley Cyrus showed us exactly how literate she is when she excessively used the words "like" and "y'know" in her interview. Warning—this clip may make your head explode.

Mel Gibson is either a hero or a villain. Emma Watson dates an indie rocker. Mena Suvari: Married! Zach Morris: Divorced! The other Randy Jackson: speaking out! Sunday's Gossip Roundup is glitchy, not bitchy.

Lohan's people will probably airbrush the SCRAM out of her nudie pics, but hopefully there will be outtakes. The Bachelor breaks up with his reality TV-anointed wife. Everybody who's anybody is posting Miley Cyrus crotch pictures, now. Tuesday gossip cometh.

Perez Hilton is going double-or-nothing with his "Is it child pornography?" pageview gambit. "If you're easily offended, do NOT click here" he tweeted today, linking to another photo of 17-year-old Miley Cyrus' crotch, her leotard askew and revealing between-the-legs flesh.

Yes folks, sad news. The What I Like About You actress has quit the acting game, at the tender age of 24. That's, um, too bad. There are at least five other actors who should quit before her.

Miley Cyrus knows she doesn't sound good live... so why does she insist on subjecting us to it? Tonight, Cyrus closed the MMVAs with a half-naked, breathy, shrieking rendition of "Can't Be Tamed," complete with a tribal theme! Video inside.

Tonight's MuchMusic Video Awards (like Canada's VMAs, but worse/younger) are ripe with awkwardness. First, Miley Cyrus attempted to introduce Drake while bitching about her cue cards. Then, Drake refused to start his performance after a technical mishap. Video inside.

Lindsay's favorite non-alcoholic beverage is alcoholic! Lady Gaga shocks another sports stadium. Snooki throws a drink. Good Morning America has a gay kiss double-standard. "Kidnapped" Jeremy London's story keeps getting dumber. Saturday's Gossip Roundup is advancing to the next round.

Just when you thought you'd never have to hear "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" again, Miley Cyrus goes and does a cover of it. Watch the duo perform—proof that we haven't gotten rid of this song quite yet.