Nicole Richie's even more delicate than usual condition couldn't keep her out of the slammer. She's been sentenced to four days in prison and a fine of $2,048.

After all the heartache we've already suffered this summer from our vicarious incarceration with Paris Hilton, where our souls died a death from a thousand undignified paper cuts delivered over those draining 23 days, there's nothing left for Nicole Richie, who was just sentenced in connection with her Vicodin-fueled, wrong-way joyride on the 134.

"WHY are slutty, sleazy, boozy cocaine- fueled tarts still in possession of careers to blow while Don Imus is home? Why's jailbird Paris Hilton, maybe jailbird Nicole Richie, could-be jailbird Lindsay Lohan, should-be jailbird Britney Spears on front pages showing their crotches and their cracks while philanthropic Don Imus, who has raised so much money for so many causes, and was doing precisely the shtick he was contracted to do, is being penalized? Is this sane? Like the Don Imus style or don't like the Don Imus style, that mouth was signed to do just what he was doing and, yeah, he insulted a basketball team - but underwearless role models for our young people who are vomiting and passing out and making sex tapes and getting extra chances and more and more TV time are an affront to everyone." If you guessed "a crazy lady sitting on the stoop in a housedress ranting at passers-by," you are correct. We would also have accepted "Cindy Adams." [NYP]

• The beginning of reality television star and improbable mommy Nicole Richie's trial on charges of driving under the influence has been delayed til August 16. Which is exactly when she'll shockingly miscarry. Duh. [AP]
  

· And with the presentation of this on-the-set video of Harrison Ford dramatically gathering together the pieces of his costume for Indiana Jones 4, we officially bring to a close our Steven Spielberg's Narrowly Averted Rape Day festivities.
· As much as we once counted on him to bring a rational medical perspective to the insanity following Anna Nicole Smith's death, we must admit that CNN's Dr. Sanjay Gupta does seems like kind of a dick.
· Are we eeeeverrr going to find out if Nicole Richie has to go to jail for five minutes? We're getting a little impatient over here. It's been, like, days since one of those Simple Life girls got locked up.
· Tara Reid enters her Grey Gardens period, and the Fug girls are there.

• In just a few months, there will be a brand new human being on Earth who is not only a living combination of Nicole Richie and Joel Madden but who is also a living expression of their love for each other. [Us Weekly]
  

Even on this slowest of pre-holiday news days, we still can barely be bothered to pass along Nicole Richie updates, but we felt it was important that you know that the longtime Paris Hilton mascot and Simple Life star's reproductive system seems to be in working order, even with the stress of a possible jail term looming over her. The father is presumed to be one of the guys from The Good Charlottes, though we absolutely refuse to read far enough into TMZ's report to figure out exactly which one.

• Nicole Richie "fueled those pregnancy rumors by declining alcohol" at a party the other night. People. Come on. You don't have to be a Star magazine certified weight-estimator to deduce that that body could not even sustain a tapeworm. [Gatecrasher, 3rd item]
  

Nicole Richie is so totally going to be the best mom! We sure hope she's pregnant. Joel Madden's fetus would be awesome for her. But crazy Page Six quotes a friend of Nicole's, saying that "Nicole is kind of hoping her pregnancy will keep her out of jail." (She's got a DUI court date finally coming.) OMG Nicole, of course it will! After all, only 1 in 10 women in California prisons are pregnant—and only 300 babies are born a year in California prisons. Why wouldn't it be different for you? Good thing she's probably not going to max security, where they make women give birth while wearing shackles!
Eating For Two [NYP]

· Look! Lindsay's enabling, fame-craving mom is literally riding around on her daughter's back now!
· No matter how that Emmy situation shakes out, Showtime can be happy it at least landed three members of the The L Word's cast in the top ten of AfterEllen's Hot 100 list of lesbian lust objects.
· Completely unsubstantiated rumor: Nicole Richie's reproductive system functioning against all odds.
· You should really be ashamed at yourselves for looking at photos of Maggie Gyllenhaal breastfeeding. Sickies, all of you.

• The invite to Nicole Richie's Memorial Day bash said that "no girls over 100 lbs" would be allowed in, but she was just kidding about that! Except not actually kidding. Okay, kidding! [People]
  

· Having recently provided the venture capital that buoyed the business of a pair of North Carolina lemonade magnates, do-gooding Ocean's 13 star George Clooney is now helping to launch multimillion-dollar musical careers.
· Being the most recognizable motorcycle cop to an entire generation of law enforcement officials has put a target on Ponch's back.
· Apparently, Judd Apatow is a big Britney Spears fan. Do with this information what you will.
· Stuff on My Lohan: Like with the cats, only drunker and much less cute.
· Nicole Richie was just kidding about that 100-lb weight limit on her party. The fatty cut-off was only supposed to keep out porkers over 85.

Nicole Richie's clavicle has its own clavicles at this point. Eeek! [TMZ]

It seems that not even our fair city's unprotected walls (this one is on Melrose by Harper Ave, according to the reader who sent in these photos) can escape the ubiquity of pure unearned-fame-being Paris Hilton, with graffiti artists now appropriating the debased heiress as the muse-tard for their guerilla scribblings. We have no idea who this "Inners" person is or whether or not Hilton actually fellated him (perhaps he's a bouncer at Hyde?), but that's unimportant, as the creative force behind this piece has now inadvertently provided her with a new medium for disseminating self-promotional gossip; soon, structures all over L.A. will bear the blight of strategically deployed messages like "PARIS HILTON FUKKIN HATES NICOLE RICHIE AGAIN—WATCH THE SIMPLE LIFE: FAT CAMP ON E! TO FIND OUT MORE!"

• Lindsay Lohan dissed Wilmer Valderrama for dedicating a Matchbox 20 song to her at karaoke. Stars: they're just like us, only lamer. [R&M]

• Jake Gyllenhaal pegs Ben Widdicombe for a drunk with a bad ending coming his way. Jeez, Jake. [NYDN]
  

One of the drawbacks to watching MTV's Laguna Beach spinoff The Hills is that you kinda know what's going to happen, because everyone has already reported on it as it occurred in real-time. Like, Lauren's relationship with Nicole Richie's ex Brody Jenner? We know it happens, and also that it ends.

· The Austrians were totally mean to Paris! [via BWE]
· The Germans were totally mean to the J. Lo!
· Entourage's Lloyd initially thinks that the guy trolling for representation by his fictional boss might be a little unbalanced, but after figuring out he's probably just kidding, still decides not to put through his crazy-call to the Piv.
· Are movie reviewers allowed to refer to Donald Trump's genitalia as "evil"? Apparently they are!
· Our bold prediction: Wealthy famous person in legal peril still somehow avoids jail time in connection with recent DUI. We know we're really going out on a limb with that one.

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in obsessively. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you spotted Johnny Sack, Bobby Bacala, and Uncle Junior casing the Rite-Aid at Wilshire and Doheny.

Even after spending countless hours yesterday completely immersing ourselves in the virtual reality of local news outlet KABC 7's RichieTracker7000 , we were unable to fully inhabit Nicole Richie's consciousness and formulate a plausible excuse for why she ingested Vicodin and marijuana before embarking on her wrong-way trip on the 134, coming back again and again only to our own reasons for mixing prescription narcotics with recreational drugs: to temporarily blunt the pain of our sad existence. Us Weekly now releases us from the torment of trying to put aside our own problems long enough to puzzle through why Richie popped that fateful pill, reporting that "she's telling friends" (who, we're sure, have no connection to either her publicity or legal teams) that she "occasionally" Vikes up because of menstrual cramps. And in a truly helpful bit of unnamed pal-chatter, the Us source further claims that Richie is upset at the police department's underreporting of her weight by ten pounds; replacing the lost body mass she's "proud" to have supposedly gained over the last two months bumps her up to a meatier, seemingly eating-disorder-free 95 lbs, a level at which she can probably sustain the cramp-inducing menstrual functions she treats with that Vicodin. Well played, anonymous friends who demonstrate enviable PR savvy!