Before you pile into your stretch Hummer limo and hit the L.I.E. to Hamptonite hell, do take a moment to remember those less fortunate than you: the hipsters who cannot afford beachfront property, who must suffer and sweat and grind away on the dancefloors of this city while you work on your tan. And so it's time for Blue States Lose, wherein we look through these poor hipsters' stupid photos on The Cobrasnake, Last Night’s Party, Misshapes, and Ambrel so you don't have to. After the jump, Joey Arak sticks a sparkler up his ass.

• Implosion features a smattering of artists showing off with video installations, "conceptual signage," and other variations on the highbrow. Put on your chi-chi hat and join the fun. [flavorpill]
• MoMA screens Walk the Line as a part of its month-long James Mangold celebration. One more chance to see Joaquin's pompadour span 15 feet — just as God intended it. [Paper]
• In the past three weeks, three cyclists have been killed on the road. Tonight, put on a helmet and participate in a memorial bike ride in honor of Carl Nacht, Derek Lake, and Donna Goodson. 6:30 PM, Hudson River Greenway at 46th Street, in front of the Intrepid.

• The Ark plays Bowery Ballroom with Baby Dayliner. Insert obvious, Jersey-specific weather joke here. [flavorpill]
• Madonna kicks off the first of a six-night romp at Madison Square Garden. Available tickets are (of course) extravagantly priced, but Lourdes really needs her own Kabbalah instructor. [MSG]
• It's like Christmas, only wackier: misfits everywhere rejoice as Jerri Blank hits the big screen. [NYT]

• From You To Me and Back Again offers a collections of prints and installations which "engage and interrogate past and current modes of photographic image production." Translation: two Polaroids, a camera phone, and creepy gallery lighting. [flavorpill]
• The Brazilian Girls take Pier 54 by storm for a free concert. Ronaldo was already booked. [WUNYC]
• What does your neighborhood say about you? (Ours says that Daddy bought those stovepipe pants.) Hear Roy Wasserman's take on neighborhood sterotypes tonight. [Paper]

Things at the Roosevelt have seemed eerily quiet since management cast out erstwhile Queen of Hollywood Nightlife Amanda Scheer Demme from the celebrity-fellating Eden she'd lovingly established on their premises, but today's Page Six reports that the hotel may have recaptured a little bit of its former velvet rope magic this weekend:

• Galapagos hosts a 10th birthday party for Ocularis, "North Brooklyn's destination for experimental film and video." They grow up so fast, those hipsters. [flavorpill]
• Broadway copies Shakespeare and takes to the park. Bring an umbrella and your tap shoes to the Great Lawn for Broadway Under the Stars. [Upcoming]
• Big Night gives you just enough Stanley Tucci action to hold you over until the opening of The Devil Wears Prada. [Paper]

Friday:
• The Road To Guantanamo follows the story of the Tipton Three, "the British Muslims unjustly held in Guant namo Bay for two years." Get out your protest signs and hop on the angry bandwagon. [flavorpill]
• "We're Doing It For Love:" Robert Plant, Ryan Adams and the Cardinals, and a bunch of other people play in a benefit concert for Arthur Lee. Blow your rent money tonight at the Beacon Theater. [Prefix]

Just when you thought you were about to choke to death on the heat and humidity, Blue States Lose comes to the rescue with a refreshing blast of hipster haterade. You know how we do it: we look through fucktard photos on The Cobrasnake, Last Night’s Party, Misshapes, and Ambrel so you don't have to. After the jump, Joey Arak loans you his lucky legwarmers.

We've been unexpectedly graced with two reports of last night's opening party for nightlife impresario Rande "I'm Married To Cindy Crawford" Gerber's new celebrity-strewn watering hole at the Sofitel, the Stone Rose. Before we even get to obligatory B- and C-list roll call, let us tease you with this snippet of Actual, Unironic Hollywood Conversation overheard by one of our operatives:

• MSTRKRFT, a DJ duo with "electro-shimmer," perform tonight at Hiro Ballroom. BYO vowels. [flavorpill]
• TRL for Grown-ups: MonkeyTown screens "surrealist music videos," which is apparently what happens when you combine a legitimate director with a conspicuously indie artists. [Paper]
• Since you can't get tickets to the Air Guitar Championship anyway, check out Asobi Seksu at the Mercury Lounge. The name means "play sex" in Japanese. It can't be too bad. [Prefix]

• Because the magazine biz definitely needs another highbrow literary magazine for New Yorkers, the Reading Room re-launches tonight with a ritzy party. Readings by Frank McCourt and Jerry Stiller. The Cervantes Institute, 211 East 49th St., 7 pm.
• Gomez hits Webster Hall, bringing their psychedelic performance for a happily baked crowd. [flavorpill]
• Tonight is the Summer Solstice, which the Jewish Community Center has apparently kidnapped from the pagans in the fight for Random Holiday Hegemony. Also, you don't see as many pagans as you used to. [Upcoming]

• Pat Benatar's comeback will not be ignored; she hits you with her best (only) shot tonight at Hammerstein Ballroom. [Prefix]
• Since gossip writers clearly need an ego boost these days, head over to Bubble Lounge for a reading with Deborah Schoeneman and Ian Spiegelman. Free champagne, and you have a few free hours to kill until the Angelina/Anderson interview. [Paper]
• Midsummer Night Swing takes over the plaza at Lincoln Center for an evening of outdoor dancing. Has this space become ground zero for public displays of foolishness? [Upcoming]

• Still feeling the Father's Day spirit? It's OK, we know you forgot to call. Pick up the phone and then, for good measure, catch the second-to-last performance of "Assisted Living," the one-man show from Sunday Styles columnist Bob Morris, about helping his 80-year-old father in the dating game. [DLounge]
• "Spasticity" is apparently a big part of tonight's dance performance over the FDR, which leaves us wondering why we weren't invited to participate. [flavorpill]
• Bryant Park's summer slew of free movies begins tonight with Hitchcock's The Birds. Enjoy some fresh air without the risk of a ridiculous sunburn. [WUNYC]

Arianna Huffington pees her pants because she thinks she's standing next to Tom Waits.

Friday:
• Only Human does the Guess Who's Coming to Dinner-thing, but with a Spanish/Jewish/Palestinian twist. Hey, it's the 90s. [flavorpill]
• ABBA may be dead, but their music lives on at junior-high slumber parties. Also, at tonight's Loser's Lounge tribute. [Prefix]

Friday is good, and Blue States Lose is even better. It's our weekly exercise in discipline, wherein we do our best to not kill ourselves while digging through the hipstard photos at The Cobrasnake, Last Night’s Party, Misshapes, and Ambrel so you won't have to. After the jump, Joey Arak relaxes in a hot tub full of warm, bubbling Sparks.

Gawker's soft-core artiste Nikola Tamindzic wanted so badly to provide you with Friday morning eye-candy that he braved Don Hill's last night for the 1-year anniversary of Stache, the roaming party that's built its name on bad behavior, guitar solos, and substance abuse. Because Friday is for mindless, sketchy eye-candy, we'll let the pictures from the self-described "underground rock-and-roll sex scandal" tell the story.

Those who feel that potty-mouthed oil heir/goodwill ambassador to Hollywood nightclubs Brandon Davis' media caning following his instant-classic Shitfaced Firecrotch Diatribe was not sufficient punishment for his pube-denigrating transgressions will be delighted by the following NY Observer report, in which Davis returned to the scene of his crime and was promptly issued the clubmonkey equivalent of being publicly urinated upon:

Do you recognize this woman? Yep, she's the ho who cut you off as you were exiting Barneys — she just breezed right through you, knocking down your broke ass as she hopped into her chauffered luxury SUV. She is better than you, more worthy of New York's Look Book than you'll ever be. Other, less relevant details: her name is Joanne Prager and she's a mother of four who lives in Soho. Her husband buys her clothes, her driver keeps things cozy, and her kids attend "more-traditional schools uptown." None of the hippy boho chic education downtown, not for her little babies! Sigh. Don't we all know a Joanne Prager?

• Ed Halter hosts a shindig for his new book, From Sun Tzu to Xbox: War and Video Games. Technically it's a literary event, so your girlfriend can't yell at you. [Rhizome]
• "Italo-disco-influenced synthery" and a boat? Who cares what the first part means — all that matters is you cruising around the island. Check out the Juan Maclean tonight and get your sea legs. [flavorpill]
• 10 bucks says anyone who participates in tonight's game of Capture the Flag spent every game as a kid stuck in Jail. 15 bucks says most of them will still be similarly stuck tonight. [WUNYC]