• Author A.M. Homes and playwright Adam Rapp kick off KGB Bar's reading series on behalf of Behind the Book, a nonprofit dedicated to improving literacy among students in low-income public schools around the city. What have you done for the local community today, asshole? [Paper]
• Over at the New York Public Library, Bill Clinton and historian John Hope Franklin (the man tapped to run the former President's Initiative on Race) get together to discuss how to best "destroy the color line that continues to divide our country." Good luck with that one, fellas. [NYPL]
• Artist Chuck Close discusses arts education, activism, architecture, and, of course, painting with Parsons' Dean Paul Goldberger at the school's Tishman Auditorium. Bring your own limited-edition print of Close's head for signing! [flavorpill]

• Are you convinced your book idea can become the Next Great American Novel with a little editing help and a publisher? Head on over to Strand Books tonight, where reps from Publisher s Weekly, Time-Warner, Harper Entertainment, and other houses will be on hand to either fluff you or crush you. [Upcoming]
• Just get the bad news that your pitch is not, in fact, publishable? Drink to shattered dreams at The Sexy Magazines and Vacancy Records party at 64 Gansevoort Street. Open bar all night with a $12 donation. On the bright side, no one will bash your sophomore effort. [Shindig]
• What s a punk rocker to do to combat bands like Good Charlotte that tarnish the genre? Write poetry and fiction, duh. At least that s what former Voidoids frontman Richard Hell does. Check him out at the Poetry Project at St. Mark s Church. [flavorpill]

According to Time Out New York's Essential NY issue, the essential birthday bar is LES standby The Magician:

• Michael Gross appears at Strand Books tonight to discuss his latest work, 740 Park: The Story of the World s Richest Apartment Building. The shitty weather is sure to nicely complement your vicarious depression. [Strand]
• Bill Laswell presents the first of Six Nights of Iconoclast Drum n Basss at The Stone tonight. Party like you re on the southside of London circa 1996. [flavorpill]
• Martha Wainwright, young sis of Rufus, performs at Bowery tonight. We re still waiting for the Wainwright/Sedaris Sibling Smackdown on Pay Per View. [Paper]

• Nicole Richie may know "what she did" to Paris Hilton, but she also knows "that Paris loves to talk about it and that stuff, but that's just not my style." If Richie's taking the high road, it totally tests the nature of the universe. [E!]
• Tim Robbins proves that celebrities aren't cut out for service work with a shameful bartending performance at the LES's Back Room. [Page Six]
• George Clooney talks about shooting spinal fluid from his nose, thus securing his slot as People's sexiest old man alive. [Scoop]
• Law and Order: Criminal Intent actor Vincent D'Onofrio fights for a man's right to watch hardcore porn in his trailer. A champion for human rights, indeed. [Lowdown]
• Leslee Dart, heroine of the PR world, continues to poach warm bodies from her mentor, Pat Kingsley. [Page Six]
• Los Angeles club Mood cancels plans to host actress Gabrielle Union's birthday party after learning that she's black. It's nice to see that after all these years, people can finally be honest about their racism. Rosa Parks would be proud. [R&M]

An interview with Bungalow 8 and Bette proprietress Amy Sacco reminds you that the suburbs are a matter of life and death:

• Joan Didion continues her quest to launch the biggest publicity campaign for a book since Bellis spawned Lunar Park when she reads from The Year of Magical Thinking at the Paula Cooper Gallery tonight. Pennypinchers, be forewarned: You re required to buy the title from 192 Books before attending — perhaps so you can read along! [TONY]
• New Canadian "It Band" Wolf Parade plays a sold-out show tonight at Bowery Ballroom. If you can t scalp a ticket, go home and listen to Arcade Fire on repeat. [Upcoming]
• Actors Steve Buscemi, John Ventimiglia, and Aida Turturro join a mystery musical guest in reading excerpts of screenplays from upcoming films by murdered Dutch filmmaker Theo Van Gogh. Take a wild guess who he s related to. [Paper]

Yes, it's that Madonna, at that Misshapes.
And just when the disaffected hipsters had lost all hope, MadonnaClaus came down the chimney at Misshapes to save them all with her sack full of soap and smiles.

Friday:
• Put on your comfy pants and amble on over to the Knitting Factory for the kickoff of the Lebowski Fest, celebrating all things related to the Coen brothers' cult classic, The Big Lebowski. Tonight, Bling Kong plays followed by a midnight screening of the flick. White Russians presumably provided. [flavorpill]
• Betsey Johnson and other designers allow their stock to rapidly plummet at the Milk Gallery's Pony Project, where they dress and decorate My Little Ponies in an attempt to make your girlfriend coo. [TONY]
Saturday:
• Zombiecon kicks off at 42nd Street and 5th Avenue at 1 P.M., where a bunch of fun-loving freaks dress as the undead and then run around town "devouring" tourists. Anything to de-clog Midtown, we say. [flavorpill]
• Madonna is rumored to perform at the Roxy, only to have her producer Stuart Price ruin the magic with his DJ set at Misshapes afterwards.
Sunday
• You know you'll be up bright and early to make the 7:15 A.M. registration for the Metropolitan 20Km Racewalk, right? 90th and 5th Avenue, if you're feeling psychotic. [Upcoming]

Last night's party celebrating the new issue of Heeb had all the ingredients of a potentially historic Gawker Team Party Crash: Jews, Media, Sex. It's the Holy Trinity of our existence — and so we decided to send Jewish, mediocre, and undersexed Gawker mascot Andrew Krucoff, along with gentile photog Nikola Tamindzic, to the LES shtetl to document this simcha.

• Everyone except your mother is name-checked at tonight s 826NYC benefit at Symphony Space: Daily Show correspondents Samantha Bee, Rob Corddry, and Ed Helms, Le Tigre frontwoman Kathleen Hanna, and Amy Sedaris model new Marc Jacobs and Zac Posen designs. Sarah Vowell, The Incredibles Edna Mode, and comedian Patton Oswalt give various superhero-themed performances. Author John Hodgman hosts. A marching band performs. Dave Eggers even gives out free weed to the first 500 guests. Just kidding! Wholesome, clean hipster lit/fashion fun for everyone. [Symphony Space]
• Norm Macdonald performs at the Nokia Theater tonight. Note to self: if you like your comedians actually funny as opposed to funny cause they re awkward, The Cultured Comedy Club debuts a monthly series of progressive political comedians at the New York Society for Ethical Culture. [Upcoming & TONY]
• Hirsute freak-folker Devendra Banhart and the Hairy Fairy Band perform at Webster Hall tonight. The whole affair should smell nice. [flavorpill]

Silly us; we always thought "travel" entails actually, you know, traveling somewhere.

Our pals at the LA.comfidential blog caught up with That 70s Show star Danny Masterson yesterday and discussed the local nightclub staple's new role as Los Angeles' cultural savior:

• Joan Didion continues her quest to make you feel bad about bitching about the small things in life when she reads from The Year of Magical Thinking at the 92nd Street Y tonight. Whatever, we're still pissed our FreshDirect order is (now) more than 2 hours late. No magical thinking is gonna help that situation. [92Y]
• Pioneer Theater plays host to anti-Mormon propaganda film Trapped by the Mormons. If you only see one Mormonsploitation flick in your lifetime, make it this one. [flavorpill]
• Is it hipster-approved to say that we sort of hate Death Cab for Cutie? No? Well, then they're not playing tonight at Hammerstein. [Upcoming]

• Ahh, Saved by the Bell: that iconic showcase of bad 80s fashion that paved the way for Mario Lopez to star in a series of successively bad talk shows, for Mark-Paul Gosselaar to be the subject of endless internet speculation as to whether or not he died in a car accident, and for Elizabeth Berkley to star in, well, the most unintentionally funny movie ever released about a whore. All of which leads us to the Apocalypse Lounge, which hosts "Bayside! The Un-Musical" tonight. Don't forget to bring your Hot Sundae cassette tapes for an autograph. [Upcoming]
• A murdered socialite narrates Amy Tan's new novel, in which a group of the woman's friends get lost in the jungle of a war-torn Southeast Asian country. See? Not all chick lit involves pointy shoes and benevolent fag hags. Just most of it. [TONY]
• 60 minutes of cool commercials, cool music videos, and cool Djs at The Newspace's presentation of Onescreen tonight. Should be...cool? [flavorpill]

• No ticket for Franz Ferdinand at MSG? Flavorpill recommends the Dirty Three show at Bowery Ballroom. Moody Australian post-rock is the new Scottish dance-punk, anyway. [flavorpill]
• New Yorker editor David Remnick appears at the E. 17th Street Barnes and Noble to discuss his decision to make available every single issue of the magazine since 1925 on eight DVD-ROMs for the low, low, price of $61.11. Make sure to yell at him for not making the actual text searchable. [Paper]
• New Yorker (yes, they all come out on Monday) scribe Nicholas Lemann and New York Review of Books contributor Michael Massing partake in a panel discussion at Columbia on how "value-laden language" influences public opinion on hot-button social issues. Better to drink before this one. [TONY]

In a bit of housekeeping, we must take a moment to wish a belated but very happy 21st birthday to Gawker Media Intern and Pool Boy Scott Kidder, who hit the big two-one last Friday. (Sadly, that's one less minor to whom's delinquency Denton can contribute.) After we came into possession of a certain, much-forwarded email, however, we've been concerned that li'l Scotty, who is studying this semester at NYU's program in Florence, might not having been able to celebrate the milestone with the reckless debauchery the occasion demands:

Friday:
• Brother/sister duo The Fiery Furnaces bang their keyboards at Town Hall tonight. Their grandmother, who provides vocals on their latest album, does not. [flavorpill]
• Ryan McGinness appears at Deitch tonight for his book party. Be sure to ask him how you too can make money off of drawing brightly colored circles. [Upcoming]
Saturday:
• Tokion's annual Creativity Now conference kicks off at Cooper Union. Whether or not you're willing to shell out $75 to hear David Cross and Chappelle's Show wizard Neal Brennan discuss why white people can use the n-word is completely up to you. [flavorpill]
• Are you a dirty pervert? A bunch of comedians try their hand at telling the Aristocrats joke at the People's Improv Theater. Are you a dirty hipster? The Rapture play a free show at Tribeca Grand. [Paper]
Sunday:
• It's the night you've been waiting for: the Broadway Gospel celebration hosted by Star Jones! Okay, don't laugh — it's for AIDS charities. But still? Broadway. Gospel. Star Jones. You're picking up what we're putting down, good cause aside. [TONY]

This is all we know about the above pics, courtesy of the JJB message board: "Paris Hilton and Bijou Philips leaving club Mood in Hollywood in the middle of a fight between a paparazzo and a security. Paris was not injured." She was, however, incredibly turned on.

This week's Village Voice is the annual Best of New York issue, and, to be honest, most of it we couldn't muster the energy to actually read. ("Best Borough Connector: Pulaski Bridge"; "Best Place to Catch a Fish You Won't Eat: Harlem Meer"; "Best Use of Lettuce: Porcupine.") But one entry particularly caught our eye, largely because we had a strong suspicion from the git-go of what the winner would be: