· Christmas overload? Get some Chinese take-out and head on over to Joe s Pub for Heeb Storytelling, a reading by the non-gentile scribes of The Daily Show and Saturday Night Live, among others. [Heeb]
· Do you have the insatiable desire to get your name in the Guinness Book of Records, no matter how inconsequential the record? Well you might just be in luck: show up at St. Bartholomew s Church at 6pm tonight to help break the world record for largest number of Christmas carolers, which, according to Google, appears to be around 1,100. And don t let anyone tell you ever again that you never did anything with your life! [NY Press]
· Christmas, pagan-hipster style: cocktails, a human petting zoo, a Scissor Sister, half of art band Fischerspooner, and the Cracked Nut Dancers all descend upon Williamsburg tonight for Chaos and Candy III, the warped holiday celebration of Adam Dugas. [flavorpill]

You know that "ironic" birthday party your friend had at Bowlmor Lanes last year? Yeah, you and all your pals pigged out on wings and fries, got drunk, and quoted The Big Lebowski while throwing stones all night.

According to Page Six, Icelandic sister from another planet was hanging out with friends at Gavin Brown's Passerby bar Saturday when:

· A rose is a rose is a rose, said Gertrude Stein—unless it s in the care of a gay. Then it s a probably a finely pruned, de-thorned, properly watered, exquisitely maintained rose. For tips on how to make your rose the latter, head to Indoor Gardening Society Meeting at The Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender Community Center. [TONY]
· Anytime the words "bastard" and "holiday" are used in the same sentence, we feel instantly at ease. Check out the Bastard Jazz Scratch Holiday and celebrate the season with broken beats and jingle dubs. [flavorpill]
· Blonde, unemployed, Upper East Side trophy wives frontin as interior decorators now have another, though slightly less glamorous, place to go throw around hubby s money: the Oasis Day Spa opens today at JFK Airport. [What's Up NYC]

Is there really any better time to market your "hot" new line of suits, your MP3 player, or your America magazine than at the premiere of a movie about pedophilia? We think not, and so we tip our hats to Roc-A-Fella Records' Damon Dash, who used the premiere of Kevin Bacon's new film The Woodsman (which he also, if not inexplicably, co-produced) to do exactly that. Dash hosted the after-party at his club NA, where he danced on the stage by himself and had his personal cinematographer record the spectacle (what, like you don't do that every weekend?). Meanwhile, Kevin Bacon (wearing one of Dash's new suits) was more interested in musing on the weighty issues that come with portraying a child molester, but that's a downer, right? Good thing Dash gave him some free tennis shoes to cheer him up.
Boldface Names [NYT]

If the rubber-hose beating of "year end/best of" lists has driven you into glazy submission, sharpen your eyes with a picturegram contest developed by Andrew Krucoff in honor of the ladies who make the gossip pages our first stop in the morning (well, first after the bathroom). Decipher these brainless teasers correctly and win a year's free access to every Gawker Media website!

· Saturday Night Live-er Horatio Sanz takes on a subject a little more wholesome (though probably less funny) than Mr. Limbaugh's Hillbilly Heroin addiction at Upright Citizen's Brigade tonight, where he performs his "Old Timey Radio Christmas Special." [UCB]
· Remember Billionaires for Bush? Those clever little crooners who sang ironic pro-Bush songs at every single Democratic rally this summer? Yeah, someone should probably go tell them to SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY BECAUSE KERRY LOST before they perform at Galapagos in Williamsburg tonight. Sorry to snap, we're still hurting. [Galapagos]
· Blogs dead to you? Us too. Looking for something new to crown as the "it" gadget of 2005? Head on over to the "Winter Show" of the Tisch School's Interactive Telecommunications Program. [Tisch]

'Tis the season for extravagant socialite parties masked as charity events! The Yuletide, for example, is a black-tie charity ball hosted at private club the Heights Casino, for which committee ladies plan months in advance. And, as always, the fashion choices are of paramount importance. Two ladies-who-lunch discuss the issue over email:

Gay New York is a many-horned (or is it horny-manned?) beast, but the scene's habitats are slowly becoming endangered. It's the oldest, most familiar tale in New York, but baby strollers—those awful by-products of unprotected sex—have slowly pushed gay strongholds from the West Village to Chelsea and all the way to Hell's Kitchen. (With a little more fucking and domesticating, straights could back them into a corner of Inwood Park.) To better understand the refuges of the "real men," we turn to Village Voice's Michael Musto, lifelong resident of NYC and resident expert on gay nightlife. He navigates us through the wilds of what he calls "Chelsea's last gasp" and the Jersey weeds who have sucked the Saturday nightlife from it. Andrew Krucoff and photographer Nikola Tamindzic report on the homoerotic fray.

Friday:
· Ronnie Spector, former lead Ronette and ex-Mrs. Phil Spector, headlines the appropriately-titled Ronnie Spector s X-mas Party at BB King tonight. Good thing the Christmas carols didn t change while she was locked in her house all those years. [BB King]
Saturday:
· Songstress Joanna Newsom brings her new American folk sound to Bowery Ballroom tonight. For some reason, she also requests that attendees wear a sweater with a knit cap or scarf, please. Make of that what you will. [BB]
Sunday:
· Hmm the city streets seem a little bit less packed with Christmas shopping gays and the girls and boys who love them. Wonder why? Oh, shit! The Scissor Sisters are playing at Hammerstein. That about explains it. [MusicToday]
· If Carol Burnett fucked South Park, their beautiful offspring would look something like the Jack Mackeral Show. Or so we re told. See for yourself at 7pm at the 55 Bar on Christopher Street.

· The Rejection Show, the one and only creative outlet for all things, er, rejected, brings Jonathan Ames, some New Yorker cartoonists, and the Sundance-shunned Santa Claus and the Jew to P.S. 122 tonight. [flavorpill]
· The Knitting Factory kicks off a new monthly comedy/variety show tonight titled "The Clip Joint." Oh, those clever promoters with their subtle inverse drug references! In any event, Daily Show-er Lewis Black is tonight's big attraction. [KF]
· Um, memo to New York's venue bookers: can you get some new fucking bands to come to town? Broken Social Scene plays yet again at Bowery, though the Pixies switch it up with openers le Tigre tonight at Hammerstein. [NYP]

Somehow, we totally misplaced our invitations to a major nightlife event for adolescent girls looking for virgin cocktails and rhinoplasty consultations (can you imagine the Party Crash photos?). Then again, had we actually attempted to attend said event, we likely would have left with a nasty case of bulimia:

Friday:
· Repellent Magazine's got a new dance party in town. DJs and electronic heads abound. Rothko's the spot. 8:30's the time. [Repellent]
· Nothing like a potty-mouthed, thieving, alcoholic Saint Nick to piss all over everyone's burgeoning Christmas cheer: Bad Santa, Billy Bob Thorton's spiteful ode to the holiday season, plays at Landmark's Sunshine Theater tonight at 12. [Landmark]
Saturday:
· Frank Black's scary now, but they still rock: the Pixies play at Hammerstein tonight. And tomorrow night. And pretty much every night for the next week. As of right now, there's still a few tickets available for the stragglers. [Ticketmaster]
· Six American hairdressers went to Afghanistan to teach Afghan stylists (ha) how to cut and color hair. They also filmed it. See the movie and ask the director, "um, why?" in the question and answer session that follows at Makor tonight. [92Y]
Sunday:
· Jersey's finest indie man, Ted Leo, brings his Pharmacists to the Bowery for a sweaty set. [Upcoming]

Bad news for all those sauced kids who, in the midst of vomiting, occasionally lose their cell phones/wallets/diaphragms in the back of cabs. When you're struck with such a situation, no matter where in Manhattan, you're supposed to call the 17th precinct's lost items department (212.826.3246). Unfortunately, when you call that number—even during working hours—you receive the following recording:

· It's the event of the year! Street artists re-paint "queer" BMX bikes in an attempt to de-queer them. You can't make this shit up. [Paper]
· We knew he was cuddly and stuff, but this seems a bit much: Jimmy Carter appears at a UES Barnes and Noble tonight to read from his latest book, which is about, er, sharing. [What's Up NYC]
· Dance punk: so hot even the Canadians are getting in on it. Can a Times expos be far behind? In the meanwhile, Toronto-based Controller.Controller do it up with ARE Weapons tonight at Rothko. [flavorpill]

Why is it that, during what should be the happiest time of the year, evil media companies are trying to make their employees cry? As if Wenner Media's pithy paychecks weren't enough to send staffers on a self-mutilating binge, we're hearing a rumor that TRL-ready pretty boys Maroon 5 will be "performing" at the Wenner Media holiday party. And you thought your job was bad. Granted, this is just current buzz around the office (nothing's official yet), but don't you think the publisher of Rolling Stone and US Weekly could do a little better?

Oh my God, is New Year's Eve cancelled?

We just might be in love with 15 Minutes Magazine; if we were 55 and still lived with our mothers, we'd probably launch a similar site. Their columnists (at right) are kind of like Cindy Adams without the dead dog or the table at Le Cirque. Take, for example, their nightlife coverage, which is on the Bowery pulse:

· Al Pacino skips the Merchant of Venice afterparty, reportedly because he didn't want to talk to fellow guest, mob princess and reality star Victoria Gotti. Big mistake. Big. [R&M]
· Liza Minnelli can't get her stepmother to move out of her late father's home in Beverly Hills; apparently she's not in her usual mood and won't beat the woman until the leaves. [Page Six]
· A Montana man beats Warner Bros. to the punch and markets Chrismukkah cards, based on the mixed holiday featured on teen drama The O.C. [NYDN]
· Newlywed Star Jones is number one on PETA's worst dressed list; Cindy Crawford comes in second and Ashley Olsen scores 5th place. [Scoop
· Gentlemen, start your engines: PR hellcat Lizzie Grubman is single again! [Page Six]