To celebrate, the starcrossed lovers of Wasilla are dressed like Jehovah's Witness proselytizers on the cover of Us. Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem got married in secret. Are Rihanna and Chris reuniting? Wednesday gossip has wedding fever.

  • And the prophecy comes true: Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are engaged, and on the cover of Us Weekly announcing it. This comes after Levi's public groveling to the Palin family and rumored disowning of little sister Mercede for saying Bristol got pregnant on purpose. 19-year-old Bristol and 20-year-old Levi got engaged two weeks ago. "I really thought we were over," says Levi. "So when I went, I had no hope. I think we both just started talking - and then we took Tripp for a walk." That night, he texted Bristol: "I miss you. I love you. I want to be with you again." Bristol "was in shock." Then, love—or the opportunity for an awesome photo op, or teen hormones—took over. They starcrossed lovers of Wasilla are back together. "I hope my mom will accept us," Bristol says. Tune in next week (or, who are we kidding, tomorrow) to The Wasilla Hillbillies to find out. These are the Wasillans of our lives. [Us]
  • Speaking of reunifications of which we do not approve: The British press thinks Rihanna and Chris Brown are back together. Not a word yet from the America's gossip rags, though. [MTV-UK]
  • After weathering at least three threatening phone calls from abusive ex-boyfriend Mel Gibson, Oksana Grigorieva is now fielding threatening phone calls from Mel's fans. Lady can't catch a break. [TMZ]
  • Bret Michaels asked his girlfriend of 16 years to marry him, and she said yes. Nothing like a near-death experience to speed the nuptial process. Update: Nope! This "supermarket-tabloid rumor" gets debunked here. [Star]
  • Have you heard about John Stamos' crazy alleged extorters yet? Alison Coss and Scott Sippola are being tried in Michigan for conspiring to extort the Full House star. According to John, they concocted a story about him plying Alison with cocaine when he was still "heartbroken" over ex-wife Rebecca Romijn. They say they photographed him partying with strippers and doing blow, and that he tried to do underage Alison and two strippers, and threatened to give everything to the tabloids if he didn't fork over $680,000. But Stamos says the whole thing is a lie, which opens up further mysteries: Do the photos exist? John's lawyer says they don't, but if that's true, then what were they leveraging against Stamos to extort him? Just the rumor? Did they invent the rumor from start to finish? How does the process even work? Brainstorm? [P6]
  • "Which 90210 Hottie Is Gay?" is a promising headline, but it turns out it's about the teeny bopper TV show's fictional characters, not the studmuffin actors, so, boo. [Ausiello]
  • Sharon Osbourne on the rehabilitation of Lindsay Lohan: "Before you know it, she'll be out, she'll have her own reality show, her own TV talk show... I haven't known one person that hasn't gone in jail and come out without having their own show." [ContactMusic]
  • Dallas Cowboys quarterback and Jessica Simpson ex Tony Romo is back on the prowl, and apparently Ryan Cabrera is his wingman. How weird a pair is that? [P6]
  • After a long, secretive courtship, Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem finally got hitched, in an appropriate secretive ceremony in the Bahamas. Penelope wore a Galliano dress and Yahoo News' write-up contains a helpful pronunciation guide. ("krooz" and "HAH'-vee-ayr bar-DEHM'" in case you didn't know) [People, Yahoo]
  • "Diane von Furstenberg is bringing 24 Rockettes to Vienna to perform tomorrow in DVF-designed costumes (little wrap rompers with a hat in the shape of lips) at amfAR's Life Ball." The rich are not like you and I. They travel with costumed harems. [P6]
  • Madonna is building a farm for wild horses in England, but has to fight town officials, who are using development laws to prevent her from building the horse fence. Didn't she read Sir Thomas More? Fences are the downfall of England! Seriously, they rioted over this stuff during the Tudors period, it had to do with England's rich tradition of grazing livestock in village greens. Point being: Fences do not always make good neighbors, and Madge's wild horses can be dragged away. [P6]