Katy Perry's mom writes a memoir about her daughter's dirty pillows. Chris Brown's neighbors hate him. Matt Damon on the transitive property of kissing. Prince William cuts water sports from his bachelor party. Monday gossip is damned.

  • Katy Perry's evangelical mother, preacher Mary Perry Hudson, is shopping a book about the art of passive-aggressive daughter-shaming: "Katy stepped out from behind the changing doors in a tiny risqué costume. No mother wants to see the top of her daughter's boobs… My first instinct was to order her back behind those doors… However, I had no problem letting my eyebrows say what I wouldn't allow my mouth to utter." Mary compares her relationship with Katy to Billy Ray and Miley (Katy is in the devil's thrall?) and laments, "Oh, dear God, how can I save her from all this? The money, the fame, the network, the people surround her, how can I compete?" Not writing a tell-all memoir about your daughter's dirty pillows would be a good start. Barring that, exorcism? [P6, image via Getty]
  • Speaking of mother-daughter tell-alls, Candy Spelling is working on yet another one. Whereas Candy's last book was mostly about her Aaron Spelling-bought life of luxury, the new one is mostly about how much she hates her daughter. [P6]
  • Matt Damon on making out with Michael Douglas for the Liberace biopic: "It's like the transitive property—by kissing Michael Douglas, I am making out with Catherine." That's what all the Kelly Preston fans at the gay bathhouse said. [People]
  • While Reese Witherspoon was marrying her talent agent this weekend, ex-husband Ryan Phillippe consoled himself in the nubile bosom of 12-years-younger Amanda Seyfried, and their pet dogs. Meanwhile, ex-boyfriend Jake Gyllenhaal "spent the night in the gutter… bowling!" Ho-ho-ho, a berry punny night of Jake sliding his balls along lubricated shafts. [Us, Us]
  • Speaking of gay-seeming Jake Gyllenhaal habits: "I don't do karaoke or play Rock Band or Guitar Hero but I do play a little Wii Tennis while listening to Whitney Houston." OK, fine, none of this is that gay-seeming, but I bet we can make a "smacking imaginary balls with his Wii" joke if we try. [ShowBizSpy]
  • Speaking of Reese Witherspoon's weekend wedding, here's Popeater's top headline about it: "Scarlett and Sean Make It Official at Reese's Wedding." Always the bridesmaid, even at her own goddamn wedding. [Popeater]
  • People in Chris Brown's apartment say he's a shitty neighbor: "He just moved in around a month ago and he's already received a [noise] warning." They should watch what they say; their windows are but a cooler's throw away from Chris Brown's lair. [Radar]
  • Prince William's bachelor party took place this weekend at a "country estate" featuring 20 friends, but they all took some kind of blood oath for stripper secrecy, so nobody knows what went down. The party was supposed to "center around watersports," but they changed their plans when the paparazzi found out and started staking out nearby lakes and prostitutes with leaky bladders. [People]
  • Breaking: Lindsay "Lindsay" Lohan went to a jewelry store and actually paid for something. [P6]
  • After Saturday's "secret" show in Las Vegas, Britney Spears did another one in San Francisco. Each of those cities is a depressing place for a Britney Spears comeback, for different reasons. [E!]
  • Every time Kim Kardashian enters a room, professional athletes fall to their knees and whinny with desire. The latest: Hockey players Bryan Berard, Brian Leetch, and Adam Graves, all of whom failed to get her phone number. [P6]
  • The pick-up line John Stamos uses on ladies half his age: "You're so pretty." Smoking hot celebrities: Totally lazy when it comes to come-ons. [Gatecrasher]