After her latest round of plastic surgery, Joan Rivers has once again sparked concern that her postmodern facial sculpting has perhaps gone one operation too far. "My motto is, 'Better a new face coming out of an old car than an old face coming out of a new car.' Spend your money on you," the Daily Mail quotes her as saying, but clearly the stakes have soared beyond self-service satisfaction: Rivers is but the latest boldface name to join the increasingly cutthroat Joker-Alike 2008 competition, in which grinning celebrities and their psychotic celluloid doppelgangers square off for ear-to-ear supremacy. Have a closer look at the finalists — and vote for a (or nominate your own) winner after the jump.A. Joan Rivers

• Fresh off a breakup with Drew Barrymore, Justin Long made out with Kirsten Dunst. He likes them (barely) sober! [R&M]

• Alessandra Ambrosio just gave birth, but she isn't wasting any time. She's reportedly already looking to sell pictures of her newborn daughter Anja to the tabloids. [P6]

And now, another installment of "You Win One, You Lose One" (Andy Dick edition)! Win: The troubled comedian, who was accused of sexual battery for pulling down a 17-year-old girl's top at a chicken joint in July, has now seen his charge downgraded to a mere assault (though he'll still face four other misdemeanor charges related to the incident). Lose: According to TMZ, the arrest report for the incident includes the following unforgettable anecdote:

Click to viewIt's shaping up as a cruel summer for drunk, high or otherwise messed up celebrities trying to stay on the straight and narrow. Comedian Andy Dick was arrested this week for groping a 17-year-old's breasts while in possession of marijuana and Valium, in something of a reprise of his bust last year for doing blow in a nightclub. Actress and teen rehab veteran Drew Barrymore is now reported to have boozed her way to a breakup with actor Justin Long. Heather Locklear fled "depression and anxiety" rehab in Arizona after barely two weeks. Even a Rolling Stone, Ronnie Wood, surrendered himself to rehab again after leaving his wife for a 19-year-old cocktail waitress — and two bottles of vodka per day. Maybe all that summer daylight is pushing everyone over the edge! In any case, it's tough to keep track of who's where on the customary arc of high-profile substance abuse: embarrassment, criminality, rock-bottom desperation, rehabilitation and then either another trip around the circle or a break into the freedom of sobriety. That's why we've compiled a guide to once and future inebriated celebrities: 20 actors, singers, models and socialites who hog way more than their fair share of space in the gossip pages — and here on Gawker. We'll update and expand this list over time as a sort of encyclopedia of shame; your comments and tips are encouraged. (The arrows, by the way, indicate trends in drunkenness, so an upward arrow means getting drunker, downward means getting more sober.)

• The biggest loser in the Jimmy Kimmel-Sarah Silverman breakup? Howard Stern, who sounds despondent about the split. He was supposed to hang out with the couple on vacation last week, but they never showed, and when Howard later heard the news, he was so upset he had to take a walk to calm down. [Page Six]

If you are anything like us, when you first learned of Andy Dick's arrest outside Buffalo Wild Wings in Murrieta early this morning, your first reaction was this: "Buffalo Wild Wings?" followed shortly thereafter by, "Murrieta?" Thankfully, this KCAL report filed from the scene of the alleged teen-fondling crime fills in all the missing pieces. SEE! The depressing cookie-cutter suburban shopping center parking lot! HEAR! The reporter describe Dick as "intoxicated" and having "urinated." THRILL! To the Buffalo Wild Wings patio furniture. We understand a portion of the proceeds from every order of a dozen garlic suicides sold tonight goes to the local Andy Dick Bike-By-Groping Victims' Network.

In light of Andy Dick's recent unfortunate legal news, we thought we'd take a further look into the mind of the troubled comedian, then watch him get dragged off of a live television show after groping heiress/sorta business lady Ivanka Trump. In the first clip, Dick is talking about comedian Michael Richards' racially-charged on-stage freakout, delving into the thorny and busy psyche of a clown. In the second clip, well, he gets dragged off of the Jimmy Kimmel show after groping Ivanka Trump. Watch, sigh wearily, and, just maybe, learn a little something.

Comedian and nuisance to many Andy Dick has been arrested on charges of drug use and sexual battery in the small SoCal town of Murrieta. After being nabbed by police for exposing and groping a 17-year-old girl's breasts at about 2am this, he was found to be in possession of a small amount of marijuana and a single unprescribed Valium. He's being held on $5,000 bail. You may recall that the NewsRadio star was caught doing blow at a New York City nightclub just last year. The most terrifically depressing detail of this latest arrest (aside from the mugshot, above) is that it all went down outside of a fine dining establishment called Buffalo Wild Wings Grill & Bar. Oh Andy. You're clipped. Click thru for a larger version of the mugshot. [via Smoking Gun]

Andy Dick wears many hats: substance-friendly pansexualist, loving dad, and infrequent cannibal. We can add to that list chicken-wingery-parking-lot-felon, as the comedian was arrested at 2 a.m., found allegedly fondling a teenager in a van parked outside Buffalo Wild Wings restaurant in Murrieta. From TMZ:

· The totally chill dog who threw this party is really regretting having invited Andy Dick. [TMZ]
· We take a moment to remember Bo Diddley. [NY Times]
· Also, the man who invented the Pringles can passed on. His family honored his wishes of having his delicious, salty remains placed inside one of his convenient snack-tubes for eternity. [Telegraph]
· In our wildest Stupid Celebrity Tattoo fantasies, nothing—and we really do mean nothing—ever prepared us for this. [ONTD]
· An utterly non-obligatory shirtless Jake Gyllenhaal photo. [WOW Report]
· Here's an insider's guide to spotting Photoshop trickery, using an American Idol promotional shot. Clue #1: Paula Abdul is successfully seated upright without the use of visible ropes or pullies. [sciam via BoingBoing]

· Whew! For a minute there, we thought that Celebrity Rehab miracle worker Dr. Drew had somehow figured out a way to exorcise Andy Dick of the booze-craving demons that make him Hollywood's most lovable, semi-recovering addict. But once a bottle of beer, a bicycle, and an eager audience of photographers were introduced, even the good doctor's famed sobriety coaching never stood a chance. [via TMZ]
· A bold prediction: Bedazzled mugshots will be all the rage with the troubled starlet set in '08, a trend that will add some much-needed flair to the uniformly dreary prison-intake photography that was the hallmark of the previous year.
· Hunky SF mayor Gavin Newsom decides to marry an actress, but we've fallen so hopelessly out of touch with his ill-advised dips into the Hollywood dating pool that we mistakenly thought he was still shacked up with the one from CSI: Miami. We regret the error, and promise to pay more careful attention to the candidates for his eventual third marriage.
· How many dudes can Lindsay Lohan hook up with in a 24-hour period? This many.

We're going to have to give the cast of Jimmy Kimmel Live this year's Best Talk Show Costume trophy, with Jimmy, the band, and the security team decked out as every significant cereal mascot of the past 100 years (video here).

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you saw Andy Dick sober.

· What happens when a Photoshop contest asks entrants to combine half of one celebrity's face with half of another's? You likely never sleep again.
· "Club: Andy Dick groped, offended, urinated." Your point?
· You didn't think we'd let you get away for your long weekend without letting you know what Chad Michael Murray thought about K-Fed, did you? He likes him!
· Fine, so maybe Terrence Howard has some strange preoccupation with feminine hygiene and baby wipes. He also saved a Los Angeles magazine reporter from choking to death on a piece of sushi with the Heimlich maneuver. (But then insisted she dispose of the offending Unagi morsel with a hermetically sealed Wet-Nap.)
· There's something bothering us about Hillary Clinton and we just can't put our fingers on it.

Comedian and provocateur-about-town Andy Dick is certainly no stranger to the consequences of failing to respect personal boundaries, having in the recent past been forcibly escorted off the Jimmy Kimmel Live set for repeatedly attempting to caress a Trump Thigh (not Donald's—but no scenario is entirely out of the realm of possibility for the lusty pansexualist), as well as having received a vigorous beat-down from an incensed Jon Lovitz, a pummeling lovingly dedicated to the memory of Phil Hartman. But when one of TMZ's camera-equipped henchmen approached Andy for comment during a rare moment of vulnerability—he had just seconds before been deemed too pants-deficient by the Guardians of the Velvet Rope stationed outside club Opera for entry—the tables upon which his harem of leggy escorts were intended to dance the night away were turned. Ignoring the fervent pleas of his skanktourage to leave the photographer alone, a mouth-foaming Dick chased his target down the Walk of Fame. It's a terrifying pursuit that was caught on tape, making it a rare and valuable resource for emergency response technicians hoping to be more prepared in the inevitable event of future Dick attacks.

Oh TMZ, you naughty rascals!

Earlier today, we noted Page Six's item on how Laugh Factory regular Jon Lovitz, Hollywood's unlikliest comedy vigilante, exacted vengeance upon renegade exhibitionist Andy Dick for placing Lovitz under a highly inappropriate "Phil Hartman death-hex." Shortly after the story circulated, Lovitz appeared on SNL buddy Dennis Miller's radio show to explain the events that precipitated this now-famous beatdown; while most of the details were reported by Page Six, there's nothing like hearing the man himself marvel at the discovery of his previously untapped powers of destruction:

Today's Page Six was downright Tarantinian in its descriptions of Jon Lovitz's attack on Andy Dick last week: "Jon picked Andy up by the head and smashed him into the bar four or five times, and blood started pouring out of his nose," said the owner of the Laugh Factory. But hark! Last night, there was Andy Dick on University Place, right by Washington Square Park, says a spy. SO HOW WAS HIS MANGLED FACE? "It looked fine, actually," reports the Dick-watcher. "I was just reading that bit of gossip and wondering why he didn't have a bruised face myself. I'm positive it was him though." Hmm. Maybe Andy Dick is a mutant with super-fast face-healing powers? "This all makes spotting Andy Dick a lot more interesting than it would otherwise be, frankly," said our gawker. Apparently Jon Lovitz doesn't have a MySpace or whatever so we won't find out the truth for a while.