It seemed inevitable that Andy Dick, notorious crosser of personal boundaries, public stroker of real-estate heiresses, and lusty biter of cocaine-deficient reporters, would eventually catch a beat-down as those weary of his antics were pushed over the edge by one too many unbidden tongue-baths. According to Page Six, that reprisal finally came last week at the Laugh Factory from the unlikiest of sources: Jon Lovitz, no one's idea of a head-smashing enforcer, who was none too pleased at being on the receiving end of a Dick death-hex:

• Jon Lovitz pounds Andy Dick's face in. Eyewitness: "Jon picked Andy up by the head and smashed him into the bar four or five times, and blood started pouring out of his nose." That's terrible! And sort of deeply wonderful. [Page Six]
  

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and tell everyone about the time you spotted Billy Baldwin dine and dash on Mario Van Peebles.

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so put down that hamburger and/or baby in desperate need of changing, and send them in! Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and tell everyone about the time you spotted Paris Hilton training for her upcoming incarceration by forcing herself to spend 15 minutes in a book store.

• Andy Dick touches Ivanka Trump gets thrown off Jimmy Kimmel [YouTube]

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are now posted several times a week—so send them in before attending to other basic human needs. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you saw Andy Dick fight a losing battle with the call of nature in the Beverly Center 8th floor men's room.

After Andy Dick's inevitable attempt at cashing in on the Michael Richards N-word controversy—by screaming it at a crowd at The Improv and proceeding to outrage precisely no one—comes the further inevitability of the apology that no one asked for or wanted, but which nevertheless serves a valuable purpose through its headline-generating properties alone:

• Andy Dick has what's known in the biz as a Michael Richards problem. [TMZ]
  

Not to be outdone by the recent headline-grabbing antics of the racist-meltdown-having comic community, giant celebrity mess Andy Dick has decided to up his personal ante, supplementing the substance-fueled displays of face-licking, reporter-biting banditry for which he has become infamous with a well-placed N-bomb at a recent appearance at The Improv:

One time I was walking down the street in New York City and there was this carload of teenagers. Bumper-to-bumper traffic. They were just packed in there like a circus act. They saw me and started screaming, "We love you, Andy Dick. We're your number one fans!" And I'm like, I love you, too. Rock on. I kept walking. They caught up. Then it was, "Andy Dick, we hate you!" They had talked in the car and decided they weren't my number one fans. It was horrible.

It's not that difficult to conceive that serial tongue-assailant Andy Dick has fathered a child at some point during the 25-year, pansexual blackout that is his adult life. What kind of parent he might be to his 18-year-old son is another matter entirely: For example, according to NY Daily News JV Gossip Lloyd Grove, young Lucas was illegally consuming alcohol under the approving gaze of his overly lenient father:

• Jimmy Buffett is busted in France after customs discovers around 100 hits of ecstasy in his luggage. His flack claims that it was only 20 pills, and they were prescription medication — but Buffett agreed to pay a fine, which doesn't make sense if his stash were legal. No word on why authorities searched him in the first place, but it probably had something to do with all those glowsticks he was waving around. [Page Six]
• We wouldn't put it past Andy Dick to hit on his 18-year-old son. [Lowdown]
• Let's reiterate, for a third day in a row, that Madonna is not adopting a child in Malawi. She's just sprinkling orphans with Kabbalah water. [Page Six]
• Eva Longoria bruises a rib, which is only slightly more tragic than breaking a nail. [R&M (bottom)]

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are crafted by you, our readers, and posted throughout the week. Send them often to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let the world know about the time you saw Mandy Patinkin head off to soap his privates at your local athletic club.

• Unattractive Rachel Dratch replaced by considerably more pulchritudinous Jane Krakowski. Tabloid Baby thinks it's a move foisted on juiceless Lorne Michaels by a shallow, lookist business; we're of the opinion that it's nice of NBC to think about its audience for once. [Tabloid Baby]
• A butterfly flaps its wings and Jason Binn is branded a douchebag. Works for us. [Copyranter]
• If you missed last night's performance art piece on the whole Stadtmiller/Dick contretemps, here's the transcript. [BMcB]
• A lad mag progenitor looks back, pines for the days when features could be about bacon sandwiches and house music. Ah, were we ever that young? [Independent]
• Thanks to some goddamn activist judge, fey LES hipster boys will soon be smoking "Parliament Slightly Less Cancery" cigarettes. [AdAge]
• This weekend in Washington Square Park: silent disco! How will you know the difference? [Club free Time]
• Guy comes home from work and says, "Great news, honey, I just won the lottery! Start packing!" Wife says, "Oh, how wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?" Guy says, "I don't care, just get the hell out!" [FishbowlDC]

We thought that after we'd posted a couple of clips of Andy Dick's on-camera, face-licking warm-up for his bravura, hand-biting, boob-fondling, openly urinating performance at the William Shatner roast after-party, we could finally put the whole filthy affair behind us. Today, however, Dick-victimized NY Post reporter Mandy Stadtmiller has posted a painstakingly transcribed account of the entire ordeal to supplement the excerpts she put up on her blog earlier in the week, revealing levels of chemically induced crazy previously only hinted at. Just when we try to get out, a cocaine-adjacent Dick grabs the hem of our trousers, starts humping our leg, and keeps pulling us back in:

If we were the more cynical sort, we might find ourselves wondering if a Comedy Central publicist locked Andy Dick in a janitorial closet with a handful of eightballs and a rolling yellow bucket filled with Grey Goose, refused to let him out until he'd consumed the entirety of his rampage cocktail, then whispered in his ear that the NY Post reporter wandering by just told her that she'd always dreamed of having the star of Less than Perfect give her a good, spontaneous fondling followed up by a solo watersports display. But as Occam's Celebrity Asshole Razor holds, the simplest explanation for a famous person's egregious public behavior is usually the best one, so Dick's biting and groping can probably be written off to the booze and drugs making him hungry and horny rather than ascribed to more complex PR machinations shaping his behavior.

Recent Andy Dick hand-biting/face-licking/groping victim Mandy Stadtmiller offers some highly amusing outtakes from the Page Six item on her after-party assault on her blog, which include the happy news that an informal medical consult on her Dick-inflicted wounds revealed that they probably weren't severe enough to transmit any nasty diseases, as well as all the drunken, incoherent babbling about fisherman and tuna you can possibly handle:

Stop us if you've heard this one before: Andy Dick gets wasted at a public event, runs his tongue along the faces of anyone wandering within licking range, then finds a play-by-play of his antics in Page Six soon after. The Sixies report on the C-list exhibitionist's latest Hollywood party performance art at Sunday night's Comedy Central roast of William Shatner:

We know that one doesn't turn to Page Six for classic muckraking journalism but, even so, today's first item is so ridiculous that we're a little ashamed to mention it. It is, in fact, the definition of what's not news, including these four important elements of the non-story:

Yesterday's disturbing Coachella report, in which Andy Dick grabbed a premium-priced Heineken draught beer from a Defamer operative's hands and put his lips to the cup and drank from it, just scratched the surface of the damage reaped by the black-eyed beer-pirate. A second report has just come in: