An incoming sixth-grader named Joey is crying into his Starbucks today after his girlfriend caught him cheating on her by going to the park with another girl. She bluntly ended their relationship via perhaps the greatest series of breakup texts ever composed by an 11-year-old.

On Sunday, record-breaking skier Lindsey Vonn announced on Facebook that she and boyfriend of three years Tiger Woods had broken up. Ice cold.

Don't fucking cheat on Cassy, aka @NessLovnTrey247 (she really likes Trey Songz), because she finds out everything.

It's a he-said-she-said story of Hamptons houses, accidental arson and a court-aided break-up, and everyone involved sounds terrible.

A young bride shocked her fiancé by showing up to her wedding shoot in Shenzen, China, with grey hair and elaborate makeup that made her look 70 years old. If he would still love her at 70, she reasoned, he shouldn't mind her taking the pictures that way.

According to an exclusive E! News report, America's Sweetheart Jennifer Lawrence, 24, and England's rocker dad Chris Martin, 37, broke up. Be not afraid, children, for Gwyneth Paltrow's hex—that bottle of Kiehl's she buried with some twigs in the backyard this summer—worked.

A heartbroken woman in Chengdu, China did the right thing after she was dumped by her boyfriend; instead of going on a partying bender or staying in and watching Friends reruns, she staked out a spot at the local KFC and went to town on some chicken wings.

After covering all the bases in his attempt to win back estranged wife Paula Patton—crying at the BET awards, sending sad texts, writing her a commercially unsuccessful album—Robin Thicke is finally throwing in the towel. Sources "in Thicke's camp" told Perez Hilton the singer knows it's over and has an attorney working on a financial settlement.

Eighty-three-year-old billionaire George Soros had to literally hide behind his lawyers after his soap opera actress ex-girlfriend started hitting him during a deposition today, knocking his hearing device off his head in the process.

Miley Cyrus and her fiancé, The Fiancé of Miley Cyrus, have officially broken-up, according to her rep. Cyrus initially intended to celebrate her mature, grown-up love with three separate weddings. Recently, she put her face in a butt.

The Pixies have announced that singer/bassist/McCartney Kim Deal has quit the band, or at least that Kim Deal perceives herself as having quit the band, while the other three Pixies "will always consider her a member." Given that the Pixies had never really re-formed as an album-making unit after 1991's Trompe le Monde, either take on the transaction makes sense. Rather than her spotlight turn on "Gigantic," which could suggest Deal's role was isolable or separable, here's the band in youth and unison doing "Bone Machine":

Seven months after they first broke up, America's best-matched couple, John Mayer and Katy Perry, have again called it quits. According to US Weekly, the two, who have dated since last summer, split because of issues over their schedules. But don't worry! There's hope they might get back together, according to the magazine's surely reliable sources.

Alas, it seems that Miley Cyrus' wedding/Super Sweet 16 three-part organza extravaganza blowout bash will not happen after all; Page Six reports that she and Australian actor Liam Hemsworth have separated.

Well it started romantically: Rachel McAdams and Michael Sheen not only met in the city of love, but they met on the set of a movie about love taking place in the city of love. Sigh, l'amour.

Here's a lesson on how to write about your break-up in a veiled-revealing way: When Your Ex is Nominated for an Oscar.

Mrs. de Prisco's 8th grade World Civ class was rocked Monday by the news that the celebrated relationship between entertainment behemoths Taylor Swift, 23, and Harry Styles, 18, had at last run its course, crashing violently onto jagged rocks off the coast of the British Virgin Islands and sending splinters of its hull into the surf.

Yup, Taylor Swift is still buying that mansion across the street from the home of Ethel Kennedy, AKA her ex's grandma.

Ho-lee shit. No one believed Jessica P. when she told everyone in AP Calc that Conor Kennedy would be hers by Fall Formal, but it looks like that bitch somehow managed to pull it off: Us Weekly reports that Taylor Swift and Conor Kennedy have broken up.

Tiny adult Daniel Radcliffe has broken up with his girlfriend Rosie Coker, according to a recent story published in the Daily Mail and confirmed by her father.

I think I may be the first person on Earth to be blocked by my own cat on Twitter. That sounds ridiculous, I know. It's an outcome fit for a crazy cat lady, which I know that I qualify as regardless of my penis.