Despite his best attempts, Tom Cruise has officially failed his mission of keeping wife Katie Holmes off Broadway and out of New York. As we learned earlier this year, the escape-hungry Holmes was offered a role in this fall’s Arthur Miller play All My Sons, giving her a chance to remind the industry she was once an actress. But Cruise was rumored to have squashed the idea, punishing his true love by sending her off to Scientology boot camp. But Us is confirming that Holmes has signed on anyway, meaning the tight Cruise clan will be spending autumn in New York. We can only hope NBC successfully woos Jerry Seinfeld into a deal by then, lest TomKat’s previous recruitment plans for the comedian remain a high priority. [Us]

Tricia Walsh-Smith, the soon-to be-ex of Shubert Organization prez Philip Smith, posted a rambling YouTube video about how the old man never sexed her a couple weeks back (Oh, here's that other story about it). She has returned as a self-proclaimed "YouTube Superstar" and she's still as batty and frighteningly hypnotic as ever. Fear her!

"As soon as the dessert forks were down, there they went, acquaintances, cast members, even family, out the door of Sardi's restaurant. A friend finally approached with a report on the reviews. Two words: 'the worst.' Indeed they were. The play was 'Moose Murders,' and even now, 25 years later, it is considered the standard of awfulness against which all Broadway flops are judged." [Times]

The return of 30 Rock included a spoof reality show called MILF Island, which in turn included a champion named DeBorah, alternately praised and imitated by the characters within 30 Rock. It turns out the real-life DeBorah, Deidre Goodwin, is a theater actress who plays Sheila in A Chorus Line and was Velma in Chicago. Goodwin told Entertainment Weekly that filming of MILF Island involved cockroach eating and "cooter slams:"

Socialite/playwright Trisha Walsh-Smith is the soon-to-be ex-wife of Philip Smith, president of the Schubert Organization-which means he's super rich because Schubert owns all those theaters and produces all those fabulous Broadway plays. But the silly blonde went ahead and signed a pre-nup with the old man, who's 25 years her senior, and now she's all in a fuss. In some kind of whacky bid for leverage, Walsh-Smith is hitting YouTube to air her fears that the old man and his daughters are out to destroy her-trying to kick her out of her swank Miami pad, stealing her $500k annual pension in the event of Smith's demise, and leaving her with all sorts of dirty sex paraphernalia that Smith certainly never used on her.

Finally, a good reason to shell out for tickets to a Broadway show: People reports this morning that Daniel Radcliffe and his treasure trail are set to make their stateside debut when Equus arrives in New York this September. Unlike all those rumors claiming tabloid favorites like Kevin Federline and Nicole Richie were ready to high-kick and lip sync their way through musicals, Radcliffe's smash hit in London was a far cry from stunt casting. But Harry Potter sounds a bit more nervous than he is excited:

A report is floating around that former Vanity Fair editor-in-chief, former New Yorker EIC, and Princess Diana biographer Tina Brown will be turning her book on the monarch into a BROADWAY MUSICAL! Maybe it's not so far-fetched. After all, Diana-who did some charity work, was pritty, and died-is beloved by foreigners, Elton John fans, and other show-toony types. But, then again...

After trying and failing to lure tabloid favorites like Nicole Richie and K-Fed to the Broadway stage, producers on the Great White Way have apparently reverted to seeking out stars with actual acting experience. The Daily Mail reports that Katie Holmes is in final negotiations to play a major role in Arthur Miller's classic All My Sons, opposite Broadway heavy hitters Dianne Weist and John Lithgow. But will Katie's performance top one former Mrs. Cruise's naked cartwheels from exactly one decade ago?

Often, the Broadway musical crowds can seem to be totally enveloped by two basic groups: The theater gays, and the theater tourists. Which is just fine. But when an average chump (hello!) not blessed with either the Broadway savvy of the first group or the utter lack of self-consciousness of the second has an occasion to wander into the theater, it's hard to know what to see. So we are here to give all the middlebrow people among you this valuable advice: It's all about "In the Heights."

Big fat loudmouth and Broadway fanatic Rosie O'Donnell is getting her own stage show. Directed by Spring Awakening's Michael Mayer, it will be based on O'Donnell's tumultuous, high-volume life. It will mostly be a solo show, though she might get a little support on stage, possibly from Awakening producer and Amadeus actor Tom Hulce. The way we see it this could be one of two things: a mild success like Billy Crystal's 700 Sundays or a complete, glorious flame out like Suzanne Somers' The Blonde In The Thunderbird. Either way: blech. [NYP via Intelligencer]

In 2001, Broadway star James Barbour received an illegal blowjob from (or, as the Times invariably refers to it, performed a "sex act" with) a 15-year-old groupie. He first met and "fondled" the aspiring actress when she met him backstage after a performance of "Jane Eyre" she attended with her parents, thanks to her drama teacher. The 'sex act' happened a month later at his place. As part of the plea bargain, Barbour has agreed to admit his immoral behavior "to anybody he works for in film, television or theater for up to the next three years." Which seems equal part sex offender punishment and total bragging. How often do stage actors get groupie action?! Even if they did play the damn Beast! Barbour's next role: Sidney Carton in "A Tale of Two Cities." Far, far better thing he did, etc. [NYT]

A naked Harry Potter is headed for Broadway next year, says the Post! Equus is coming! Hide your horses. [NYP]

Local 1 of the International Alliance of Theatrical Stage Employees has proclaimed itself to be "firmly behind" the contract ironed out yesterday with producers and Broadway theater owners: Broadway will be reopened and the new contract for stagehands is likely to be ratified in a few weeks. While the pay rate for name-brand actors and directors (who can command fees up to and well beyond $100,000 a week, while no-name actors and tech employees take home as little as $1200 a week) remains a main reason for the absurd cost of both productions and tickets, the new contract will at least ensure that there's still money coming in to enable plenty of stagehands to sit around for hours until a single chair needs to be moved. So congratulations to the strong-arm union; though there is no bigger piece of the pie to be had on Broadway, at least they've successfully squabbled for a larger chunk of the stale old crust.

Broadway negotiations are going about as expected: "About 2 a.m. yesterday, a union official who was outside with other officials for a cigarette break got in a fistfight with a panhandler walking around 48th Street."

You bastard stagehands! You're making little kids sad with your selfish demands! These precocious youngsters are forced to sing on streetcorners, as seen in this NY1 story featuring interviews with the sad children, the producer of Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas! The Musical, and B-roll footage of some lazy stagehands smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee and slowly walking in a circle. There was also a clip run incessantly yesterday of one of the child actors weeping, as not making kids sad seems to be the primary argument for keeping The Grinch open during this terrible strike. Producers filled a courtroom with wide-eyed Dickensian Whorphans Jimmy Stewart-style yesterday as they attempted to keep their limited-engagement public shitting on a universally-beloved children's book classic alive. We are thankful for labor disputes that put expensive ends to terrible, childhood-raping cash-ins.

Producers Of "How The Grinch Stole Christmas" Ask Judge To Reopen Show [NY1]
Will 'The Grinch' Escape a Strike? Ask the Judge [NYT]

Still struggling to make sense of the Broadway stagehand strike that's ruining tourists' 'Beauty and The Beast' theme weekends? Maybe this interview with a striking stagehand will help! "You can't get drunk and do this job anymore," he reveals. "Music stand lights, extension cords, bulbs, what kind of bulbs? You're the one." Okay, no.[NYT]

Sunday's newspaper coverage of the Broadway stagehand strike, the first-ever work stoppage in IATSE Local 1's 121-year existence, delivered news of an event designed mainly to break children's hearts and confound tourists who apparently cannot think of anything to do but see expensive musicals, Disney slop, and tired old revivals. (The strike undoubtedly traumatized scores of theatergays as well, but nobody's mentioning them). What's going on?

God let's hope she already hired the accent coach already, for real.

· Aaron Sorkin returns to Broadway with The Farnsworth Invention, a play about the birth of television, the deliciously flawed storytelling medium he recently sought to redeem with a little-seen primetime serial about the life-or-death stakes involved in producing a weekly sketch comedy show. [Variety]
· Thomas Haden Church is in negotiations to join Sandra Bullock in All About Steve, a romantic comedy that should reinvigorate the moribund genre by focusing on the previously unseen pairing (we think?) of a lady who writes crosswords and a CNN cameraman. [THR]
· Michael Moore's Sicko sells out the single NY screen on which it debuted, bringing in $70,000 over the weekend. [Variety]
· The Agent Dance, Abbreviated Mid-Level Actresses We Can't Get Excited About Edition: Heroes' Hayden Panettiere signs with WMA, while Julia Stiles hooks up with ICM. [Variety, THR]
· Cartoon Network and Hasbro are co-producing a new Transformers animated series, which will reimagine the property as a "superheroes story" with robots featuring "a lot more human qualities, allowing kids to identify with the characters" they will soon mindlessly consume in an all-new toy line. [THR]