Providing further evidence we're marching inexorably toward a global economy based in the buying and selling of items once touched by Britney Spears, the banned eBay auction featuring Spears' wedding night boy shorts is back, and it's now a value-added sale that includes a matching bra! The wily entrepreneur has circumvented eBay's "used underwear" prohibition by claiming the items are a "brand new set," but we all know that if they're authentic, they're too used to foist off on even the Salvation Army. There's really no good way to get out those Cheeto smears.

· Universal decides that production of Denzel Washington/Benicio Del Toro-starring American Gangster would get too expensive after the studio canned director Antoine Fuqua, and calls it quits on the whole project. Something smell a little fishy here? Studios love nothing more than throwing money at a problem. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Jessica Simpson husband/prop Nick Lachey signs a development deal with 20th Century Fox TV and Brad Grey TV to star in either a half-hour or hour-long show. It's so cute when trophy spouses try and get a career in case they get divorced! [THR]

The Producers Guild's is up in arms about the studios and networks' devaluing of its amorphous craft, even threatening to sick lawyers on the Hollywood establishment if it persists in handing out "unearned" credits. Of course, the first step in any such campaign is raising awareness through education, i.e., what the fuck does a producer do? According to the LAT, "The guild maintains that a producer initiates, coordinates, supervises and controls all aspects of a motion picture from inception to completion." Oh, it's so much clearer now!

A-list entertainment lawyer Barry Hirsch, whose midnight defection to a new firm in August made news in Variety and the LAT (and got the business in Nikki Finke's L.A. Weekly column, where she said feeling bad for Hirsch was like "taking up a collection for the West Nile Mosquito Defamation League"), borrows the sympathetic ear of the NYT. Hirsch poo-poos the idea that's he's worked some kind of mind-control mojo on the tamper-prooof brains of clients such as J. Lo and Julia Roberts:

· Matt LeBlanc is already preparing for the day when he can't pretend to be severely retarded on sitcoms. He's close to selling a drama, The Prince, to the WB, which his company would produce. [THR]
· ABC wins this week's ratings war in the 18-49 demographic. NBC's Jeff Zucker, CBS's Les Moonves, and Fox's Gail Berman will spend the rest of the day randomly firing people and questioning the very nature of reality. [THR]
· News Corp. is planning a sports network to take on ESPN, but the decision is dependent on their negotiations with the NFL for broadcast rights. Don't they already have a sports network? Hello? Fox Sports Network? They have a building on Pico, filled with hundreds of people working on Fox sports network programming? Maybe this means they're all fired and should walk out today. That would be fun. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Tony Scott's Keira Knightley bounty hunter flick Domino corners the market on creepy actors, signing up Christopher Walken and Mickey Rourke for its cast of thousands. [THR]
· More Fox going apeshit news: Rupert Murdoch promises to up Fox's production slate from 14 films a year to 20-25. Next year, look for the simultaneous releases of Garfield: The Movie II-X. [THR]

In their nearly daily update on all things Disney, the LAT reports that embattled, glacially-retiring CEO Michael Eisner thinks things are all rainbows and teddy bear hugs in the company. Better yet, he assured investors that when he finally turns over the keys (read: messy suicide), the fun won't stop. "It's in my interest that when I leave, the company is in good enough shape that it will take a decade to screw it up," said Eisner, before pulling his Mickey ears down tightly on his rigid brow. "And on the day I step down, I'm going to scale the Matterhorn and summon the mighty winds of Hurricane Ben Franklin. The sky will open and the entire Magic Kingdom will be washed away in a purifying deluge of hundred dollar bills. Yes, everyone will perish in the flood, but my beloved Mickey shall live on."

· Yes, we realize this is incredibly boring, but bear with us: International TV market free-for-all MIPCOM is off to a strong, busy start in Cannes with is a "more glamorous and ritzy atmosphere" than previous years. The trades have yet to report if Hollywood execs find the Euro to be a more pleasing a bathroom-tissue substitute than the old French currency, which really produced some undesirable chafing issues. [THR]
· Donald Trump is in negotiations with NBC for scripted drama set in the Trump Towers. It's official: The Donald has officially branded tiny NBC head Jeff Zucker "Trump's Bitch." [THR]
· Troy writer David Benioff will tend to Hugh Jackman's mutton chops in Fox's X-Men spin off, Wolverine. Now Fox needs to keep Jackman off Broadway (and Matt Damon's lap) before he loses all action-star credibility. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· In Bob Weinstein's most recent attempt to acquire the entire Asian film industry's output at pennies on the dollar, Dimension acquires rights to Korean horror film Ryeong (The Ghost). [THR]
· Head FCC snake-oil pitchman Michael Powell was interviewed at halftime of last night's Monday Night Football to sell digital TV to viewers. We hear you could hardly see Sony's hand up Powell's ass, making him tell consumers it's time to spend for an expensive, new TV. [THR]

· Iconic, Psycho shower-stabbing victim Janet Leigh dies at age 77...peacefully, in her home. [THR]
· Tim Robbins and LOTR's Miranda Otto are in negotiations to join Tom Cruise in Stephen Spielberg's War of the Worlds remake. If deals are finalized, Robbins will play an astronomer and Otto will valiantly try to fend off Cruise's aggressively hetero on-set advances as she plays his wife. [THR]
· ABC's Desperate Housewives debuts to huge ratings. (Even we watched it—who knew our TV gets ABC?—and truth be told, if was kind of great.) With the network's early-season success, their programming executives may get a reprieve from their planned mass suicide during sweeps. [THR]
· I Heart Huckabees opens with a huge ($75,016) per-screen average—in NY and LA. The limited release of Woman, Thou Art Loosed cracks the top ten. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Boozy lobster-liberator Edward Furlong signs on for the indie film Jimmy & Judy. Good to see crime hasn't slowed his career. [THR]

· Justin Timberlake and Emile Hirsch to star in Nick Cassavetes film Alpha Dog. Getting excited because your favorite pop star is acting again? Not so fast! Box office buzzkiller Sharon Stone is along for the ride. Yeah, Timberlake will probably still sleep with her. [THR]
· Unsurprising news of the Fall season: Joey gets a full season pick-up after three airings. NBC-Uni mogultini Jeff Zucker also threw in three years of piggy-back rides for Matt LeBlanc from his car to the set. [THR]
· Disney gives up on adult movie-goers, vows to stick to the family-friendly schlock they are known for from now on. And if that doesn't work, Michael Eisner is going to grab children by their ankles as they enter Disneyland and shake them until their souvenir money falls out. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Paul Resier is probably not dead: Paul Reiser signs a two-year first—look deal with Paramount TV. [THR]
· The Chris Columbus-directed film version of Rent goes from Warner Bros to Revolution Studios. Two straight days with Chris Columbus news? It's like a really shitty Christmas! [Variety, sub. req'd.]

Even with a self-imposed two-year adjustment period, turning over the reins of a media conglomerate that you've controlled for 20 years can be a psychically draining experience. We've broken down a recent picture of obsolescent Disney CEO Michael Eisner to illustrate the things that every mogul-in-twilight needs to ease the transition into month-long golf trips and unreturned phone calls.

· SATC's Darren Star gets a script commitment from Fox for a half-hour behind the scenes restaurant series based on the book Kitchen Confidential. Let's hope the term "funky spunk" never comes into play. [THR]
· The relationship between Disney and partner Pixar is likely coming to a sad end. They've "outgrown" one another, according to Disney president Bob Iger. True, the relationship has evolved; Pixar's a money-printing machine and Disney really isn't interested in that kind of thing anymore. [THR]
· MGM puts new Bond on hold while they hunt around for a director. Also, they're probably busy combing all of Australia to find an actor to actually play James Bond and figuring out who to fire when they merge with Sony. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Nothing can stop Chris Columbus, director-lite of annoying confections. He's made a deal with Warner Bros to develop and direct Slanted and Enchanted, a dramedy about a recovering pathological liar with magical elements. So...Liar, Liar meets Harry Potter? That sounds about right. [THR]
· Harvey and Bob Weinstein's Miramax and Dimension get into the CGI game, signing a deal with Wild Brain animation company. Evil, corpulent mogul Harvey just canned everyone he couldn't strang—-Hey! They're making an Opus movie! That's fucking awesome. All is forgiven. [Variety, sub. req'd.]

From the LAT, breaking news: Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is fond of the industry that made him a multimillionaire, international star, and gave him enough exposure to indulge his political ambitions. He's showing his love by fighting runaway production and piracy, and, no doubt, personally answering every mash note he receives from head movie-biz pimp Dan Glickman.

· The House passes the Piracy Deterrence and Education Act, which allows up to 6 years in prison for camcording a movie. Still, former MPAA chief Jack Valenti's probably a bit upset that the House passed on the provision that pirates are castrated and forced to eat their own testicles. [THR]
· Columbia self-consciously tries to cast nearly every quality actor in Hollywood to distract from the fact that they're unimaginatively remaking yet another classic movie, trying to add Meryl Streep to the All the King's Men super-cast. Also assisting the subterfuge are Sean Penn and Jude Law, with Kate Winslet, and Mark Ruffalo to potentially sign on. [THR]
· It's so cute when executive mouths write checks that their studios can't cash: Tom Freston promises less crap from Paramount Pictures. Good one, Tom! Why not just promise us Paramount will find Bin Laden? [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Lion's Gate picks up the rights to A Love Song for Bobby Long. in which we think Scarlett Johansson's old-guy fetish is satisfied by—grab your stomach pills—John Travolta. God, we hope we're wrong on this one. [THR]
· Melissa Etheridge's "reversed Will and Grace with a kid" sitcom gets a script commitment at ABC. We don't have any idea what that means, but ABC seems to have bought it. Network TV really needs a few more nonthreatening gays who constantly make puns about how gay they are, so why not? [THR]

The New Yorker's Jame Surowiecki examines embattled, time-delay retiree Disney CEO Michael Eisner succession plans. Or rather, the lack thereof, since the closest he's actually come to making those plans happened in the moments before quadruple-bypass surgery:

· Since the term "celebutante skank" has no analog outside of America, Paris Hilton is getting left behind. The Simple Life will be reborn in Belgian and French Canadian versions, featuring new, region-specific non-heiresses getting into wacky situations. [THR]
· Steve Zahn joins Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz in cast of Fox's comic western Bandidas. Finally, a follow-up to Three Amigos! But with hot chicks with impenetrable accents! [THR]
· Greedy Emmy-hoarder Mike Nichols and Julia Roberts are in talks to develop romantic comedy Seven Year Switch, about a woman who gets to see what she might have done different in her life upon reaching the seven-year mark in her relationship. Insert joke about the odds that a Julia Roberts marriage will last seven years. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Fox orders a pilot presentation of The Barenaked Ladies Variety Show, a comedy/revue starring the annoying Canadian pop stars. Doesn't Fox know that we're supposed to dump our shit over the northern borders and not take any back? That's what a trade imbalance is all about. [THR]
· With each having an Oscar-baiting movie being released later this year, Annette Bening and Lenonardo DiCaprio will pretend to care that they're being honored at the upcoming Hollywood Film Festival. [THR]

From Variety's "Inside Move" analysis of the DGA's contract agreement with the movie studios and television networks and its impact on the WGA, the filthiest thing you are likely to read today:

· West Wing second-stringer John Wells dutifully conforms to the rule that all non-reality television shows must be police procedurals and is close to a deal to produce drama The Evidence for ABC. The Evidence will be exactly like CSI or L&O, except for the fact that people responsible for the show claim that it's a "different approach." Refreshing. [THR]
· Legendary Full House and Raising Dad widowed TV dad Bob Saget will take his career in a completely new direction, returning to ABC to star in a pilot as a divorced dad who takes custody of his children. Should the pilot go to series, expect his ex-wife to be killed off in the first three episodes. You don't fuck with that kind of success. [THR]
· Film and oil mogul Marvin Davis died this Saturday at the age of 79. Davis bought 20th Century Fox in 1981, then sold it to Rupert Murdoch in 1984, touching off a reign of evil that culminated in Fox News' coverage of this year's RNC. [THR]
· Ben Affleck and forgotten Friend David Schwimmer will star in an improvised poker comedy directed writer/director Zak Penn. We'd point out that this is yet more evidence that poker is hott, but the film is backed by a company that promotes the risk-free wonders of casino gambling. Wasn't it obvious Schwimmer would wind up in infomercials? [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Hollywood Out of Ideas 16, The Vaguely European Job: Paramount looking to produce Italian Job sequel—which, naturally, will be set in "St. Tropez, Paris and the French Alps." [Variety, sub, req'd.]

Whereas once there was a "pretense of civility" in relations between heads of television networks, intense competition for ratings has plunged those once (openly) cordial dealings into gory, Nielsen-fueled cockfights. Yes, that's meant as an analogy, but it would be no less valid to picture Viacom/CBS' destroyer of worlds Les Moonves and NBC's Napoleonic minimogul Jeff Zucker swinging their penises at each other, splattered in the blood of innocents. Says Variety:

· The DGA agrees on a new three year deal with the networks and studios, getting better health care, but losing out on issues of DVD residuals and reality TV jurisdiction. The WGA's strategy of sitting around and seeing what the directors could get has officially come back to bite them on their collective-bargaining asses. [Variety, sub. req'd]
· SAG shows the status-quo-loving WGA how it's done, using their elections to enact a change in leadership. [THR]
· The MGM and Sony deal is finally done, freeing us up to never think about it again. Well, at least until the layoffs start. [THR]

· Homecomings are always so sweet: Will and Grace creators David Kohan and Max Mutchnick return to the set for the first time since NBC invited them "not to show up" after they filed a lawsuit against the network. The lawsuits are still pending, and we're sure the W&G writing staff is super, extra thrilled to have Mutchnick and Kohan hanging around again. [THR]
· CBS deploys its newest instrument of Jerry Bruckheimer franchise evil, CSI:NY, to win Wednesday night. Somewhere, Les Moonves is cackling maniacally and giving his teeth an extra victory-polish. [THR]
· The FCC votes to levy the maximum penalty against CBS stations for the Janet Jackson incident,
bringing the total up to $550,000. Somewhere, Les Moonves shrugs off the news and gives his teeth an extra polishing just for staying classy. Also, he orders a random MTV staffer killed. [THR]
· Never underestimate the nerd economy: The Star Wars DVDs and video game, released on Tuesday, have already taken in 115 million worldwide. [Variety, sub, req'd.]
· Mark Burnett teams up with Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia to develop a primetime series, presumably after the domestic empire builder/celeb inmate is released from jail. We expect a rote Apprentice knockoff, but maybe they'll at least get creative with the title. How about Mark Burnett Presents: Martha Stewart's I'm Not Going Back In, You'll Never Fucking Take Me Alive!? [THR]