It was exactly one year and one day ago that Richard Matt, the big-dicked murderer, may god rest his soul, escaped from Clinton Correctional Facility alongside his friend David Sweat, the murderer whose dick is of indeterminate size, pictured above. According to a scathing report state investigators released to mark the anniversary, Clinton guards made the two men’s escape much easier than it should have been.

In the days after convicted murderers Richard Matt and David Sweat escaped Clinton Correction Facility, corrections officers allegedly beat, choked, and threatened to waterboard the inmates remaining in their block, prisoners told the New York Times. The abuse was ostensibly part of an effort to find the escapees, but the Times reports it seemed more like “a campaign of retribution.”

It’s been quite the week for Joyce “Tillie” Mitchell. Yesterday, she pleaded guilty to helping convicted murderers Richard Matt and David Sweat escape from prison. And today, we learned that the she told investigators that she gave Matt—the allegedly big-dicked escapee—at least one blow job and several secret hand jobs underneath a huge jacket. Tillie!

Joyce “Tillie” Mitchell pleaded guilty this morning to helping convicted murderers Richard Matt and David Sweat escape from Clinton Correctional Facility last month.

David Sweat, the presumably regular-size-dicked member of the infamous duo that escaped an upstate New York prison last month, has been moved to solitary confinement in his new home at Five Points Correctional Facility.

According to CNN, the big-dicked killer escapee Richard Matt gave his lover and supervisor Joyce “Tillie” Mitchell more than just companionship and a beautiful painting: he also gave her pills to “incapacitate” her husband, who the pair were planning on murdering.

Now we reportedly know when and where Joyce “Tillie” Mitchell changed her mind about wanting her loyal, if delusional, husband murdered by the formerly escaped killers David Sweat and Richard Matt. It was while dining at a Chinese restaurant with her husband, Lyle, the night of the escape that Tillie realized that maybe he wasn’t so bad after all.

Escaped convict David Sweat, shot and captured by police last weekend, has returned, after four weeks on the outside, to prison. Sweat and his deceased partner-in-crime Richard Matt escaped from Clinton Correctional early last month.

David Sweat, the surviving member of Clinton Correctional facility’s prison escape duo, claims he never had sex with Joyce “Tillie” Mitchell, the prison employee who was supposed to be their ride to freedom after they escaped.

Practice makes perfect, my mom always says, and apparently so did the two convicted murderers who escaped for three glorious bug-bitten weeks (before they were both shot this weekend.)

The fallout from Richard Matt and David Sweat’s historic prison escape continued Tuesday morning, when the New York State Department of Corrections announced that a dozen correctional officers and prison executives at Clinton Correctional facility have been placed on leave.

The big-dicked murderer Richard Matt and his killer buddy David Sweat originally planned on escaping to vibrant, scenic Mexico after their daring prison break earlier this month, according to New York governor Andrew Cuomo. The duo’s scheme allegedly fell apart when Clinton Correctional Facility employee Joyce “Tillie” Mitchell failed to pick them up outside the prison. Tillie!

David Sweat, the surviving Clinton Correctional Facility escapee, was reportedly shot twice by a state trooper on Sunday near Constable, N.Y, just south of the Canadian border. According to CNN, Sweat is in custody and in critical condition. From The New York Times:

According to reports, escaped convict Richard Matt was just shot near Malone, New York and may be dead. He was free for almost three weeks.

New evidence suggests that Gene Palmer—the Clinton Correctional Facility guard who allegedly accepted paintings by allegedly big-dicked murderer Richard Matt as payment for aiding Matt’s escape alongside David Sweat—has spent years indulging his own artistic inclinations in addition to those of convicted felons. Just like Orange Is the New Black’s Joe Caputo, Palmer played guitar in a shitkickin’ bar band on the weekends.

Escaped murderer Richard Matt’s DNA has been discovered in a second cabin in Franklin County, New York, according to the Press Republican.

Gene Palmer, the New York prison guard who allegedly passed hacksaw blades hidden in uncooked meat to escaped killers Richard Matt and David Sweat, has been arrested, CNN’s Shimon Prokupecz reports. On Tuesday, Palmer’s attorney said his client was unaware “there was something in the meat.”

Last we heard from escaped murders Richard Matt and David Sweat they were leaving their underwear and bloody socks in an upstate New York cabin. Now comes news that they’re probably heavy armed and possibly injured…with a blister.

According to a New York Post source, Joyce “Tillie” Mitchell, the prison worker accused of helping two convicted murderers escape, had sex with one of them in a closet at least 100 times. “Wait, that’s not what I heard,” her husband told NBC :(

Citing an unnamed law enforcement official, CNN reported on Tuesday that Clinton Correctional Facility employee Joyce Mitchell hid hacksaw blades in frozen hamburger meat, tools that convicted murderers Richard Matt and David Sweat later used to escape the prison.