The Age of the Easily Expensed Job-Perk (Assistant: "You want me to submit a receipt that says, 'Lunch with hooker Ratner?'" Agent: "Yeah, that's fine. Throw 'er in there with the rest...") are long over.
When you're just a lonely regular person, you can always post a personal ad on Craigslist. But what if you're a lonely celebrity person? And not just any celebrity person, but a celebrity person with a medical degree and board certification, who millions turn to regularly for health advice? Well, then it's not so easy. For starters, forget the Craigslist personals, and move over to the help wanted section—because what you're looking for is a PR assistant to help you weed through the available dating pool, smoking out the social-climbers, the gold-diggers, and the butterfacers in search of The One:
Gosh—are the Emmy Awards here already? While we make the last arrangements for our fabulous Emmy Awards Liveblog Extravaganza and eco-themed after-party Sunday (hey—who seated America Ferrera next to Blake Lively? There's gonna be so much eye-rolling going down, it's gonna be like it's all Scanners up in he-yuh!), we thought we'd do our part for anyone else out there scrambling to pull things together in time. We dutifully pass along, then, this Craigslist ad seeking a highly specific brand of companionship for the big show:
At this rate Craigslist might want to consider a subcategory for "Studio J.O. Break" or some like-titled catch-all for furtive worktime leisure pursuits; Casual Encounters can't possibly contain the epidemic of solicitations that began yesterday on the Sony lot and continues today with an even more ambitious transmission from Fox [NSFW]:
Now comes that portion of the broadcast where we break from our hard-hitting coverage of celebrity lingerie purchases and NBA ass-tastings to focus instead on what really matters: Bringing you, the lot-bound drone in desperate need of human connection, in contact with your perfect match. We turn to the always-fertile singles' mingling grounds of Craigslist for our latest bachelor offering, a pent-up fellow currently finding it hard to concentrate on his duties at Sony Culver Studios [NSFW] :
Because we at Defamer are fully committed to bringing together fans of seminal '80s teen comedies and Star Wars geeks in possession of both a Darth Vader mask and a burning need to get laid (of which there should be no shortage), we now pass on a personals ad, salvaged by a sharp-eyed Defamer reader before being snatched from the ether by an unseen hand and replaced with the dreaded "flagged for removal." It read:
Longtime readers of Defamer know that we like nothing better than to break up the day with a dip into the Defamer Connections basket. This is L.A., however, where every taste and mathematical combination must be accounted for in the worthwhile pursuit of getting one's freak on, and thus requiring us to sometimes stretch the definition and who and what, exactly, constitutes a "connection." Which brings us to today's installment, via Craigslist:
Because we at Defamer would like nothing more than to place visiting couples fully indoctrinated into The Lifestyle with spouse-sharing-curious members of the showbiz community who also happen to be in possession of a spare pair of tickets to the Academy Awards and Governor's Ball, we now faithfully reproduce for you a Craigslist ad brought to our attention over the weekend. (It's since been removed by conscientious members of the Craigslist community, who strongly feel that whoring out one's wife, however much mutual consent is involved, has no place in the most venerated and dignified awards show of all. Get thee to The Flackies, pervies!) The ad begins like this:
Via Craigslist's Missed Connections, our humble attempt to help one anonymous lonelyheart find her briefly encountered soulmate on this Valentine's Day: "Dark Hair, Striped Sweater, Clean Cut at The Griffin - w4m - 23
I saw you across the bar and couldn't believe my eyes. I was drinking a Guinness and you were talking to two friends. I stood near you, hoping you'd notice me. Did you? Me: dark hair, ponytail, gray jacket, glasses. You: Joseph Gordon-Levitt." [Craigslist]
From deep within the bowels of Craigslist's Missed Connections section, where crazy hopes that love will somehow find a way are nurtured, a Judge Judy fan reaches out to try and find the courtroom spectator of his dreams: "judge judy lady in audience - m4w
lady in audience sitting behind defendent 1st seat 1st row by walkway wearing black shirt with white trim on judge judy aired in iowa jan 8 08 kristen capozzola white lady vs joshua currier black man seen you on show i found you very very attractive interested in knowing who you are hope to hear from you!" [Craigslist]
Though we at Defamer realize that the primary function of CAA's Century City Death Star is to wreak havoc on behalf of its clients, we hope—delusionally, perhaps—that the temporary evil-slowdown the agency is experiencing due to the writers strike might allow employees to use the space to achieve happier, less detructive ends. In the hopes of promoting this briefly opening window of opportunity, we pass along this Craigslist plea by someone hoping to reconnect with a staffer who caught his eye:
Surely the author of this posting can't have been the only one to emerge from an Imax theater screening Beowulf thinking of nothing other than the overtly sexualized title character, whose "third leg," as the Danish serving wenches blushingly referred to it, was practically within 3D grasp were it not for a strategically placed mead stein in the foreground. To their credit, however, the anonymous poster took to Craigslist's virtual medieval marketplace to make their warrior-blowing fantasies come alive:
While we usually delight in using this space to bring people together, Defamer Connections is occasionally called upon to step in and lend a hand in prying a stalker and their celebrity prey apart. Never, though, have we encountered an instance like the following—a curious reversal of the traditional male/female, celeb/stalker dynamics, in which a local gymgoer has turned to the Craigslist Bureau of Ships in the Night to address heightening concerns over the hungry eyes of Rachel "Formerly of The O.C., Tomorrow, Who Knows?" Bilson. The posting:
You: A fellow contestant with me over three years ago on that Jaywalking ripoff game show Street Smarts. Me: Totally hot for you, but had a girlfriend at the time. We: Totally meant for each other! Remember when we both agreed that 17-year-old chick wouldn't be able to name Bill Clinton's daughter? And we were both right? That was the moment I just knew. [Craigslist]
As we all learned yesterday through two minutes and eleven seconds of the most affecting moving images ever transmitted over the YouTubes, even though it sometimes seems as if the entire world has turned on turned on VMA exploitation victim Britney Spears, there are still those willing to reach out to her as she tries to navigate this seemingly endless dark night of the erstwhile-pop-star soul. In the interest of connecting Spears with the generous, but anonymity-valuing, individuals offering to help her through these difficult times, we pass along this note from a Craiglister:
So distraught was one of our readers after watching the heartbreaking, lightly scripted Two Coreys moment where Corey Feldman devastates Corey Haim with news that a straight-to-video sequel to Lost Boys would be going forward without him (hell, even the Lesser Frog Brother probably got a call) that our compassionate operative immediately took to Craigslist to try and find the wounded Haim some companionship to get him through this difficult time. And Craigslist, that online lamp inhabited by millions of anonymous genies ready to fulfill even the most outlandish of wishes, predictably yielded help:
While we at Defamer realize that any of our female readers with acting aspirations hardly need our help in procuring the services of "producers" willing to exchange sexual favors for empty promises of career assistance, we nonetheless feel it's our duty to occasionally serve as middleman between parties seeking this classic, mutually beneficial show business arrangement. Lounging in a VIP booth in Craiglist's virtual Hollywood nightclub is this anonymous starmaker, who's looking to send a drink over to the table of any struggling actress willing to blow him in a bathroom stall if he passes her headshot on to his favorite agency:
"If you look like David Beckham, let's have a NSA affair! - w4m - 25
This sounds crazy, but I'm nuts for David Beckham. He's so so cute. And I've been daydreaming that his clone will arrive. Tonight is free. Can my David Beckham roleplay come true? Me: Cute, bubbly, trim, great natural boobies. I don't look like Posh Spice but I get no complaints. 5'7" Long brown hair, sexually adventurous. Fun, good in the sack. I work out. I also have a good day job that leaves me with plenty of energy for the night. Send pics, mine gets yours. And let's talk." [Craigslist]
We realize that between gas, parking, exorbitant ticket fees, and outrageous concession stand prices, the enjoyment of the latest chapter of your favorite fantasy film franchise can often turn into a cost-prohibitive affair. We here at Defamer are therefore more than happy to connect Harry Potter fans of limited means to those of you looking for moviegoing companionship with the potential for something more. Or, to put it more plainly, who'd like to get some hot Craigslist action for the price of a movie ticket?
