In last night's penultimate episode of the season, we saw all the problems of the season converge in a screwball comedy of manners that sank this season even deeper into the mire.

O Meo my! It's true! Because their movie Shutter Island just did so well again this week, the longtime pair has agreed to make it official. To celebrate their nuptials, they'll next be making a romantic comedy with Katherine Heigl.

She couldn't whore herself for fame, so now she's just a whore. This celeb is a slut with some funky spunk. A sober actress, a gay athlete, and a cheating golfer put out as well. They should get paid!

Everyone was puzzled upon learning that Jerry Seinfeld's triumphant return to NBC would be as the producer of a reality/game show called The Marriage Ref. After seeing the first episode, we are still puzzled. The Marriage Ref is a mess.

I like love NYT film critic Manohla "#RealTalk" Dargis' work. Which is why it hurts to (predictably) point out how cringeworthy it is that even the Times still uses The Big Lebowski as the headline-worthy reference point for Jeff Bridges.

Housewives. They just never stop, do they? They just keep going and going and going and they will continue to do so until we are all, every one of us, dead in their acrid wake. I mean, until next week.

Last month, Variety panned a thriller called Iron Cross. But the review has been disappeared from Variety's web site, which probably has something to do with the $400,000 Iron Cross' producers paid to Variety for an awards campaign.

Let's take a brief moment to discuss last night's first big eliminations episode. Are you surprised? Disappointed? Thrilled to the point of exploding?

Cheating with one lady wasn't enough, so he went for a pair. These band members are feuding because of husband swapping. This reality star wants to bed all the Twilight boys. Today's Blind Items are sponsored by Big Love.

Gold medal-winner Evan Lysacek seeks Dancing with the Stars fame. Gossip Girl Leighton Meester is in an indie drama, as is Lucy Liu. Zach Galifianakis will play an exorcist. The Trade Roundup is proud of all our Olympic athletes.

The geniuses at Everything is Terrible have gone and tracked down a copy of the dreaded late night scourge's 1989 film Collision Course and it is embarrassing. It's mostly one long ching-chong Chinaman (from Japan) joke. Yikes. Poor Pat Morita.

Here come the men! Well, boys, I suppose. Young men? Whatever they were, they sang last night. And, after the fairly disastrous ladies, hopes were high. Were they satisfied? Ohhh. I don't know. I don't think so?

A crime most foul was committed on the night of August 21, 2009 at the residence shared by eight simpletons at 2000 S St., NW in Washington, D.C. One of them must be (duh, duh, DUN!) the murderer.

If she were a Sade song, she would be the "Sweetest Taboo." This actor is no "Smooth Operator," yelling at a scalper at the Olympics. There's "No Ordinary Love" for this star on set. Actually, there's no love at all.

Natalie Portman makes a road trip film about drugs. Drugs could null Charlie Sheen's contract. Drew Barrymore is a whalehugger. Zoolander 2 is on the move. Winter storm warning: The Trade roundup is expected to bring 5-10 inches of AWESOME.

She hasn't had a good song or a hit movie in years, and now her record label dropped her and the opening of her new movie has been repeatedly pushed back. It's official, J to the Lo. You're done.

[Delicate, perfectly-constructed flower Joan Rivers waves kindly to paparazzi in LA; image via INF]

Well, America's favorite shining whirligig finally got to whirling and gigging last night. Though for a big "Here are your choices, America!" debut, it certainly wasn't very graceful, was it? Actually, it was kinda downright urgly.

They'll get over their recent break up but just for the PR. This actress gets good publicity for being nice on set, and this actor is looking to avoid negative notices for plastic surgery. All press is good press!

Last night brought us to a mysterious Alexandria-esque lighthouse, one that didn't necessarily lead the way for incoming ships. No, it seemed to serve another purpose entirely. A magical purpose.