Now that tabloid queen Bonnie Fuller is permanently cast as the Wicked Witch of the Westside, Us Weekly's Janice Min is being forced into the role of her opposite. Could someone write a Broadway musical about this? Janice in a white gown and pointy little shoes, Bonnie with warts and a broom? They could have a kung-fu movie fight scene where they pummel each other with glossy magazines. In today's Times: a profile of Janice where she successfully manages to say absolutely nothing. I suppose the point is that her staff doesn't blow snot into her food.
Celebrity Weekly Shocker: Editor Is No Diva! [NYT]

More analysis of David Gest's scary fucking signature. (I know, we're one step away from astrological charting here, and yes, I'm totally obsessed. But if there's one person in the world that needs explanation by any tool necessary, it's David Gest, right?) From our in-house analyst:

A student of handwriting analysis writes in about David Gest's freakish signature. NYU's Andy Bellatti kicks the hard science thusly:

Please let someone out there be a handwriting analyst. David Gest's signature on his medical records is one of the most disturbing things you'll ever see. Oh yeah — and the list of drugs he's on isn't pretty either.
David Gest's Signature [TSG]

The braintrust that is Norah Jones, Inc., scorns TV but she loves books:

If only Paris Hilton's long-suffering dog could keep a diary:

A million trend stories about younger men and older women are being recanted right now: SHOCKING! NEW! "EVIDENCE!" claims that Ashton Kutcher is actually 30 years old, not 26. The source is the National Enquirer, so do with that what you will.
How Old Is Ashton Kutcher? [ABC local]

BREAKING! Joyce Wadler, the NYT Boldface Names gossip columnist who always makes it abundantly clear how much she hates her job, has promised to die. The following magic words must be spoken by a celebrity on a red carpet, thereby inducing Ms. Wadler's promised instant death:

Rarely do we see such impressive graphics used for such nefarious — and silly — purposes. But, if you're really interested in consuming large amounts of Pepsi to steal mp3s you could have stolen elsewhere without the calories, hey, knock yourself out.
How to never lose Pepsi's iTunes giveaway [MacMerc, via MemeFirst]

Writer Jami Attenberg weighs in on the Hipster-Hassid battles of Williamsburg:

"Question: Ever since the song "Hey Ya" by Andre 3000 of Outkast came out, everyone is shaking their Polaroid pictures. I have always been told that you should not shake a Polaroid picture, but I'm having a hard time convincing those around me that this is true. What is the answer?"
Should I really 'shake it like a Polaroid picture?' [Polaroid, via Kottke]
Polaroid warns buyers not to 'Shake It' [CNN]

Finally, you can drink Christina Aguilera's bathwater. The EBAY bidding is up to 150 pounds (that's like 32,000 American dollars, right?) on the following item:

One important thing you can learn in Manhattan is this: if you're cranky and young, you're just a nasty bitch. But if you're cranky and old, you're a fun eccentric, and you should be interviewed in the NYT magazine. Take Sunday's Q&A with kooky recluse artist Robert Rauschenberg:

In keeping with today's theme that NYC is so boring that we'd rather fall out a window and die than live here, let's reminisce with filmmaker and man about town Greg Allen in today's Gothamist interview:

I'm sure you'll enjoy this little bit of what just sleazed its way into our office: Paris Hilton's book proposal. Reportedly, the book, written with Merle Ginsberg, has actually been sold to Trish Todd at Touchstone/Fireside. We'd love to serialize the whole 13-page proposal — you know, just like Dave Eggers did at Salon!

Recent sightings of unwashed and vacuous new "It" Boy Michael Pitt — and, of course, the obligatory nude pictures over at Fleshbot. Two readers check in:
· "I saw him at a film event last year and he couldn't check himself in on the list (this was before anyone was supposed to know who he was). It was like he didn't know how to formulate a complete sentence. Some retard publicist was there with a picture of him in a magazine and was all like 'Let him in if you see him.' Not the brightest bulb to say the least."
· "now that he is sooo close an "it" boy, i can report i saw michael pitt at pete's candy store two saturdays ago. he didn't do much except hang out with this guy and a girl (isn't that the plot in The Dreamers?) but he did look exceptionally greasy. he was dressed like a homeless man (big green coat, big boots, black jeans, fingerless gloves) and kept pulling his ski cap lower on his greasy head. he occasionally peered over his shoulder and nodded, as if to see if anyone had acknowledged his presence."
Michael Pitt Naked? [Fleshbot]
Michael Pitt: Duuuuude... [Kicker]

We just didn't want to mention it (because we're SO nice). But it is really horrifying that, directly underneath the aforementioned pictures of black people at the University of the West Indies benefit on New York Social Diary, there's an ad for "Hamptons Domestics" employment agency. The ad has little black Victorian silhouettes and a pineapple as its logo. Yikes. Context aside, Hamptons Domestics makes us vaguely ill anyway. (Though, East Village Domestics, hmm... maybe we could get a bunch of unemployed scenesters to use their parents' money to do our laundry.)
2/5/04 [NYSD]

Karen at Cinecultist finally clears up for all of us who the hell that guy is on the cover of Time Out/NY this week: why, it's Dawson's Creek graduate Michael Pitt!

Of course, Tori Spelling registered at Willliams Sonoma for all the cheap stuff that Tiffany didn't have: you know, stuff that her husband's family can actually afford to buy. (We presume the famous Candy Spelling gift-wrapping room will be quite occupied.) Nonstick muffin pan — 26 bucks! Cheese grater — 19 bucks! It's so cute when rich people pretend they actually cook food.
Victoria Spelling Registry [Williams Sonoma]

Aww, little Tori Spelling is getting married. And, guess what? Over at Tiffany, she's registered for the same damn $2800.00 menorah that Gotham mag publisher Jason Binn registered for when he got married. Is this the new hot Jewish thing? Is it compulsory to have a menorah as expensive as the monthly rent on an three-bedroom East Village apartment? Is the Kabbalah Center involved in this somehow? Someone call Sandra Bernhard and get some answers, stat.
Registry: TORI SPELLING AND CHARLIE SHANIAN [Tiffany]
The Binn Wedding: Priceless Moments [Gawker]