• Vanity Fair pulls Jennifer Aniston from its October cover, allegedly because they fear too many details of her interview have been leaked to the press. Instead, they've replaced her with Paris fucking Hilton. Words cannot describe our horror at this crack-infused decision. [Page Six]
• Maybe the VF cover story will be about how Paris' 24-carat engagement ring is too heavy. The poor dear. [Scoop]
• Kate Moss wins her libel suit against the Sunday Mirror, which printed a false story claiming that a toxic amount of cocaine sent her to a Barcelona hospital in 2001. Of course the story's not true — she wasn't even dating Pete Doherty at the time. [R&M]
• The heat is centering on incumbent advocate Betsy Gotbaum, who refuses to release her public schedule for "security reasons." But Bloomberg's number and info are listed in the white pages? Nice try, Gotbaum, but 'fess up: We know you're at Bendel's. [Lowdown]

• After being maligned by ballerina boy Jude Law, Sienna Miller seeks comfort in the arms of Orlando Bloom, as well as those of her ex-boyfriend, male model David Neville. Sadly, David is not related to Aaron, leaving this romantic tragedy without a preprogrammed soundtrack. [Page Six]
• While Times reporter Judith Miller learns about the history of hip-hop during her incarceration, her husband Jason Epstein enjoys a fine Mediterranean cruise. We're sure he was thinking of wifey the whole time, really! [Lowdown]
• Is Karl Rove hooking up with a Texas lobbyist? And could the thought of Turd Blossom sleeping with anyone be more nauseating? [R&M]
• Desperate Housewife Eva Longoria is reportedly engaged to the Spurs' Tony Parker. Does that make up for the Emmy snub? Eh, probs not. [Scoop (3rd item)]

• Pity the fool who crosses the Robin to Lizzie Grubman's Batman. After his former client, Miami's Shelborne Hotel, reneges a free offer and ends up charging several luminaries for their hotel rooms, Jonathan Cheban uses Page Six to fight for the common man. No one will charge the Olsen twins $6000 dollars in hotel fees and get away with it! [Page Six]
• Supermodel Kate Moss is spotted out on the town with Johnny Knoxville. Not spotted: Moss' maybe-fiancé Pete Doherty, Knoxville's wife, or Jessica Simpson. [R&M (2nd item)]
• For an astronomical fee, Rudy Giuliani will gladly go to the site of terror attacks and comfort the locals. The question is, can you afford his affirmations of courage? [Scoop (2nd item)]
• Maybe it's just us, but we find it strangely amusing that director John Singleton is meeting with Paramount execs about hustlers selling pirated DVDs of his movie Hustle & Flow. [Lowdown]

After berating "negroes" for not fetching his Navy Blue Prada Sweater, Fabian Basabe wisely fled to Bologna, Italy. The PR Life Cycle© having now completed its most recent rotation, we're happy to note that the Basabe is back in town.

• Britney Spears' plaything, the inimitable K-Fed, skips the first birthday party of his son with Shar Jackson, little Kaleb. Considering he left Jackson while she was pregnant with the young boy, this really shouldn't be surprising. Besides, he was busy fetching Britney's Frappucinos, yo. [Page Six]
• Is Katie Holmes' recent face rash a result of Scientology detoxification procedures involving niacin? Are they stress-related cold sores? Or, as we suspect, are they simply the side effects of Dawson's herpex simplex? [Lowdown]
• Speculation ensues as to whether or not maligned actress Sienna Miller is still engaged to her cheating fiancé Jude Law. For the sake of a genetically perfect spawn (a dream dashed by the Pitt-Aniston breakup), we hope they can stupidly work things out. [Scoop]
• Recently convicted perjurer Lil' Kim lies outside of the courtroom, shaving a couple of years off her age. [Gatecrasher (3rd item)]
• Christian Slater hits the turntables with Maggie Gyllenhaal, manages not to grab her ass. [R&M (3rd item)]

• Courtney Love faints during a party at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel and awakens in Cedars-Sinai. She's adamant about her sobriety, and some are whispering about a possible poisoning. Dude, people, let Kurt Cobain go already. [R&M]
• Jane editor Jane Pratt escapes Tom Cruise unscathed: While filming her cameo in Vanilla Sky, some of Tom's friends (who we suspect were Thetanesque) approached Pratt about "getting to know Tom better." If only she had accepted, Joey Potter would still be with us. [Lowdown]
• Oh dear. After Ladies Home Journal beauty editor Nadine Haobsh gets her blog outed, Fashion Week Daily and New York mag's wee Faran Krentcil is supposedly behind Imaginary Socialite. [Page Six]
• While concert-goers in NYC, LA, and other major markets are paying up to $450 for prime seats for upcoming Rolling Stones shows, residents of "flyover country" are paying about $100 less. Nice to see that the coastal inflation isn't just limited to real estate. [Fox 411]

From Jeanette Walls' Scoop column, published yesterday:

• The Deep Throating trio of Bob Woodward, Carl Bernstein, and Ben Bradlee think Time Inc.'s editor-in-chief Norm Pearlstine has half the balls of late WaPo publisher Katharine Graham. Time whipping-boy Matthew Cooper is inclined to agree. [R&M]
• When learning that Glamour magazine is planning an exposé of Scientology with a former Scientologist for its September magazine, the "church" sent a gang of OT-IVs to bully up the Condé Nasties. Let the battle of the cults begin. [Page Six]
• Donald Trump, Jr. is rumored to be shopping around exclusive rights to his November wedding to Vanessa Haydon and looking for around six figures. Like father, like son. [Lowdown]
• Here's a shocker: Journos forced to interview celebrities say the stars don't shine all too brightly. [Page Six]

• Oil heir Brandon Davis isn't taking too well to being dumped by The O.C. star Mischa Barton. Apparently he's down in Tijuana, passed out in an alley from taking too many sleeping pills and tequila shots. [Lowdown (last item)]
• Tom Cruise has Scientology, Madonna has Kabbalah, and now director David Lynch has transcedental meditation. Finally, Lynch is normal, if only by default. [Page Six]
• Jude Law continues to beg for his fiancée Sienna Miller's forgiveness, but she's not wearing her ring. If we were the supportive types, we'd be shouting something along the lines of, "You go, girl!" But we're not, so we won't. [R&M]
• Al Pacino, Rose McGowan, vomit, rinse, repeat. [Page Six]

• Paris Latsis' ex-girltoy Zeta Graff has bent over his fiancée Paris Hilton and rammed her with a $10 million dollar lawsuit. Graff claims Hilton & Co. are responsible for a number of "vicious lies" printed in the Post. We can't imagine. [R&M (2nd item)]
• James Gandolfini, so angry about flubbing a line, reportedly punched a window while on the Sopranos set. Even more humiliating: Gandolfini didn't even break the glass. [Lowdown]
• Sexy-dirtball actor Colin Farrell serves Nicole Narain with a lawsuit in order to prevent her from profiting from the duo's sex tape. Pity. [Page Six]
• Jack-of-all-trash Anna Nicole Smith enters a wet t-shirt contest in Myrtle Beach. It's a step up from Daytona, at least. [Scoop]

• Jude Law is simply too hot for one woman. His lithe love must be shared with the world, which is exactly why he cheated on his fiancée Sienna Miller. At least he kept it close to home by doing the nanny. [SMH]
• Bonnie Fuller screws Shar Jackson the only way she knows how: Public hate-fucking, complete with photos. [Lowdown]
• Writer Robin Gregg sues Post sachem Col Allan for not paying up for Gregg's story. The catch? Gregg stole the piece from the National Enquirer. There're so many levels of wrong here, it feels right to us. [Gatecrasher]
• Happy anniversary to Courtney Love, who's now been clean and wobble-free for one year. [R&M]
• After Today co-host Matt Lauer is spotted flying solo in the Hamptons, rumors of his divorce from Annette Roque are refueled. In a perfect world, he'd hook up with Katie Couric and they'd make little NBC babies. [Page Six]
• Florida's former Secretary of State Katherine Harris gets into the healing powers of Kabbalah water. Too bad that stuff can't wash the shit clinging to her since 2000. [Scoop]

This is the face of hard newsiness incarnate. Unknown outside the skeeve-infested circles of gossip-mongers, its name is Page Six, and it serves as the gossip column for the New York Post. (Incidentally, the Post is owned by Rupert Murdoch, who isn't even American.) Page Six, which eats only the kittens they choose not to drown, loves to set fire to your furniture while wearing last season's skeevy H&M. Page Six hates Live 8 and was thrilled to hear about what happened in Iraq this weekend. On their way to a vacation in North Korea, Page Six tried to kill a recently adopted Ethiopian baby. Word to Page Six: Watch your step, 'cause Brad Pitt ain't gonna have none of that.

Today's LAT examines the Job-like trials that fauxteur fashion plate Michael Bay had to endure (budget problems! an abbreviated shooting schedule! torrential downpours sent by a God who's obviously not a fan of his work!) to finally ready The Island for release. In the course of recounting the various obstacles he surmounted during production, Bay once again touts the film's philosophical and ethical underpinnings ("I wanted people to leave the theater saying, 'If I could own a clone, would I?'" a query previously discussed at length here), perhaps to demonstrate that his struggles were for a higher purpose than the frequent detonation of futuristic-looking shit. However, the Times saves Bay's most troubling existential mind-fuck for the final paragraph:

When Michael Jackson was felled by a "severe flu" in the middle of his child molestation trial, we speculated that he was preparing for the worst by buying time to "fake his death, gather the seeds of a new, utopian Neverland society from the talent roster at Nickolodeon, and escape to the secret colony he’s prepared on the dark side of the moon." As it turns out, Jackson may have had a far more rational plan for self-preservation in the event of a conviction:

A mysterious man called Page Six for advice on how to sell the "authentic, 14-minute" Colin Farrell/Nicole Narain (and just like that, the former Playmate is famous—look how easy it is!) sex tape and described the hot, amateur action to the Sixies. The column then dutifully passes on the movie trailer version:

Despite the effort the Defamer Special Correspondent on Celebrity Jurisprudence expended pressing his ear to the courtroom door, he was unable to come away with any advance snippets of Diaz's testimony. Instead, like the rest of our Hollywood-obsessed nation, we had to wait for a report to hit the wire services. The AP capably sets the scene:

Let's reveal your guesses for this week's Blind Item Guessing Game before we lose any more of today to such idle, wildly speculative pursuits. Take one more peek at One Nearly Hairless Blind Vice:

Defamer's Special Correspondent on Celebrity Jurisprudence has finally arrived on the scene at the Cameron Diaz "Sexy" Photos Trial, joining a legion of other bored reporters sitting outside of the downtown LA courtroom and waiting for Diaz to emerge following her testimony. One photographer who spoke to our man-on-the-scene placed the odds of actually seeing Diaz at "slim to none," as she entered through some sort of private entrance. The SCoCP did manage to get scolded by someone who demanded that he delete pictures he'd snapped of courtroom sketches depicting Diaz on the witness stand "gesticulating with her left hand, palm facing upwards." The Special Correspondent's afternoon's highlight so far is a close call with an angry bird who buzzed by his head "four or five times" in an attempt to "peck [his] skull" as he walked through the parking lot on the way to the courthouse. Surely, this is some sort of harbinger of the swift justice awaiting the photographer who may or may not have tried to sell pictures of Diaz's uncovered breasts using a forged model release.

Even with The Wedding Crashers opening tomorrow, Thursday has been somewhat lighter on Owen "The Butterscotch Stallion" Wilson news than the promotional orgy of yesterday's wall-to-wall Stallion gangbang. Luckily, a reader with basic cable and the constitutional fortitude to withstand MTV's TRL teeny-bopper onslaught is able to momentarily patch the gap in our coverage, recounting Crashers co-star Vince Vaughn's (perhaps unwitting) nod to Wilson's equestrian legacy:

We really need to get out more, because if we'd somehow made it to Chi the other night, we might have learned some smooth moves from Cuba "Chill Factor" Gooding Jr. Reports LA.com's blog: